fighting fighting always &$%£%%$ fighting!!!!!!

[sutsibe]

clever you gigi, no kids but a shedload of huskies, why didnt I think of that? lol

Originally, I wanted kids, and my ex didn't - so we never had kids. Getting huskies was a bit easier...

[jules dief taz tor]

So I openly admit I have smacked my kids!

So shoot me now!

I have been dealing with this for 7 blooming years!!!!

Not one profession has given me anything that has helped.

Not one parenting course has helped or worked.

I posted here because I needed to have a rant and now im being slated because I smack my kids. Red X here I come.

cya

you are not alone. i smacked all of my lot. doesnt work now they are bigger than me, but to be fair they have never raised a hand to me .

[Marley & Lumikkis Mummy]

Right so question, If Your child get grounded and then go screw this im gonna go out anyway, how do you up the consequence from there? do you up their grounding sentence? just for them to say im going out anyway again?

I jsut think there has be a point when words lose effect and fall on deaf ears.

The kids in schools would probably be better behaved if they actually brought some real consequences bk. Detention, the real trouble makers do not give a toss about detention and just won't go, so they get excluded, they get a day off, they don't care.... etc

My kids wouldnt dream of going out when ive told them not too, admittedly my eldest is only 9 nearly 10 but I can safely say that I dont think they would. Ive grounded them, its about respect.

[James]

My kids wouldnt dream of going out when ive told them not too, admittedly my eldest is only 9 nearly 10 but I can safely say that I dont think they would. Ive grounded them, its about respect.

Yeah I was like that to, until i hit 12 / 13, got in with some of the bad kids and that all changed.

I'm not for a second saying that will happen to you , but thats just what I did ^_^

[Dazzlin]

Me and my brother still fight I'm 36 and he's 31 lol

[Tan J P]

oh Lou i didnt realise things were so so bad for you

does Alex not do anything to help,or do they take no notice of him either?

did your son have any consequences for attacking you?

have you any idea at all where the gross lack of respect comes from?

my way with dealing with this would be

to sit down when you are both a bit chilled,deep breath and start telling him how it is going to be from now on.

ask him why he likes hurting you and disrespecting you? and cant he understand how hurtful and upsetting he is being to all the family.

i would take everything away from him.......literally leaving him only with his bed in his room

he then needs to seriously earn his things back and thats not just a quick apology and behave for half hr.

i would put a lock on his door and if he is grounded,thats where he would be going until he's told to come out

each and everytime time he starts i'd march him straight back in there.

as hard as it must be for you,i wouldn't be screaming and shouting,i'd warn once then carry out the threat with no shouting

so you are near enough ignoring him,his behaviour at the moment is getting him attention albeit not in a nice way

so stop giving him the attention!

lastly hugs hun......you know where i am xx

[stormchaser09]

Have you tried omega 3 and 6 ,if not it's honestly worth a try

[Zeus and Hades]

sometimes I really wonder seriously If I do and why I had them Id much rather have more Huskies

I have been there. I truly hate to admit it, but sometimes my children just drive me to want to drink... again. My oldest I swear she needs therapy or something. She is turning into a habitual lier and she NEVER listens to me. She is only 7 I am terrified of what is gonna happen as a teenager. They live with their dad most of the time, but once my week is over I am ready to collapse. It is sad. It has been a very long time since I have been 100% full time mom I feel for you. I do have my times when I wonder why in the heck I ever wanted kids. So I understand that feeling. Hang in there. Oh and as far as smacking them. I have done that and I do not hesitate to give a smack on the mouth when they are back talking or a smack on the rump if they are not listening and acting up.

[Biggles]

Part of the problem as I see it is you are four weeks and a bit into the six weeks plus a bit summer holidays and your sons are probably bored and want to be back with their mates at school and into the routine of school even if they loath it. You are also getting tired with having them home as well. Having two children of this age at home is both mentally and physically tiring. Are there any clubs that you could possibly send one of your sons, doesn't matter which, so you can get him out of the house for a few hours and give you some breathing space and separate them?

Kids (or family in general) from my experience know what buttons to push to send you or their siblings into outer space. Your kids may love each other but that doesn't mean that they like each other and there is probably a bit of sibling jealousy/rivalry going on between the two. Kids can start arguing because one has looked at the other in the "wrong" way. Are you sure it is your eldest starting it off because at four your youngest is capable of knowing how to start a confrontation e.g. Mum x did so and so, or x just hit me at which point x thinks if I'm going to be in trouble I might as well be in trouble for something. With kids they are into whatever is fair in their eyes. Unfortunately your eldest is much bigger than your youngest and is also beginning to have his hormones kick in as well so this is probably not helping the situation.

I wouldn't go down the route of locking him in his room unless their are window locks as I have known kids that I have taught when at home climb out of windows. What I have found is the cause and consequence route and for this you have to be firm and not shout. Kids get used to shouting and realise if you start shouting they have in their eyes won. I know it's hard and it takes practice to go against your instinct to shout at them. What you do is clearly and quitely state that if, for example, he hits his brother the consequence will be. This is valid for both your kids. Explain to him he is old enough to make a choice and if he makes the wrong choice the consequence will be e.g. if they have an allowance no allowance that week or tv or trip out, no internet, mobile phone etc. However explain that if they get on well for to start with half a day then a day without arguing/fighting the consequence will be and then give them a reward (not monetary) eg can invite a friend around to play xbox, rent a game etc.

It is difficult to deal with a child with ADHD whether or not it is diagnosed and what you need to think about is what matters to him and what can you do to work with him to try and live in harmony. Unfortunately negative attitude once it takes hold is very difficult to deal with and takes time and I wish I could say there are quick fix solutions but I don't think there are. You need to take a long term strategy and play the tactical game to win. You may not win every battle but eventually you will win the war.

I would say that you need to tell your son that although you love your son very much that if he physically attacks you again you will call the police. Say it calmly and mean it and if he does attack you physically in any way follow it through. It is amazing how kids change when confronted by the police in their own home and their bravado goes out the window very quickly. Of course, this is last resort but your son has got to learn that this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

I wish you the very best and you will come through this, the tunnel may seem very dark and very long but try to keep moving forward even if it is a small baby step. There will be days when you feel like you are in reverse gear but keep plugging away at it and you will succeed.

[Zeus and Hades]

Me and my brother used to fight. You could say let it fight out, but then let me give it to you from my experience.

My brother is a lot bigger than me in height and strength and he's 2 years older than me. When my mum wasn't in, we used to fight a lot. Then as my brother got older it turned more into me having to defend myself because he was hurting me. I remember balling my eyes out because my brother picked me up by my throat once. Psychologically, allowing us to get on with it, really didn't help me at all.

I think you need to be firmer Lou. Everytime they fight, take something away from them, don't threaten it, just do it. No Xbox, No Tv etc. Eventually they'll realise that fighting creates more hassle and boredom than it's worth.

Stacey xxx

Just a thought after reading this and a few others. My ex husband's brother would make his son and daughter stand there in time out hugging eachother everytime they would fight. If they didnt successfully complete the time out that way it was a spanking with a belt or paddle. It worked, for the most part. I mean no siblings never fight, but they got to the point where they would rather leave each other alone then stand for 10 minutes hugging eachother. Just a thought.

[Removed #5]

Just a thought after reading this and a few others. My ex husband's brother would make his son and daughter stand there in time out hugging eachother everytime they would fight. If they didnt successfully complete the time out that way it was a spanking with a belt or paddle. It worked, for the most part. I mean no siblings never fight, but they got to the point where they would rather leave each other alone then stand for 10 minutes hugging eachother. Just a thought.

:offtopic:Boy did that bring back a real flash. I was in basic training - that'd put me at about 18. We were supposed to be getting ready for 'tomorrow" when a group play scuffle broke out - nothing serious, just a bunch of kids having fun. Our drill instructor marched into the bay, told us to all line up in the hallway and count off; odd turned left, even turned right - now hug that man! Since we were scared shitless of our DI - we hugged, it probably wasn't more than 10-15 minutes but it sure seemed like forever. Needless to say that was the last of the rowdy horseplay.

Sorry, you may now resume your regular thread!!

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

Thankyou all very much.

Locking him in his room isnt an option as we had to change his normal door for one of those which folds in the middle! He kept slamming the door and caught his sister in it a few times.

and climbing out of the window is impossible our upstair windows are really dangerous, they are tiny windows you cant climb out of. If we have a fire we have to climb out of the hallway one and slide down the garage roof! Straight into the holly bush!

@Biggles sometimes she does instigate it but its someitmes stupid things like she says something he doesnt like! At 10 he should be able to ignore what she says. I mean shes 4 she doesnt know half of the things she says and where does he think she learnt it all from anyways?? HIM!

[Biggles]

Seems to me like you've got a vicious circle going on and you need to do something to break the cycle. I bet you're wishing school was starting back tomorrow. I like the sound of the hugging. Your 4 year old won't mind it as much but I'm sure your 10 year old will, especially if you say you will do it even if his friends are in the house. It might also stop your 4 year old starting trouble if she's not keen on this or get her to sit on the bottom step of the stair for a time out. Also if your 10 year old is he going into Year 6 there may be a touch of big fish in little pond syndrome going on which he may also be taking out on his sister. If the problem started before the summer holidays have a word with the class teacher to see how he behaves in class/playground. He may be different, or he may even being bullied. Often behaviour problems can be caused by upsets in school. Sorry I thought your son was 12 and that's why I mentioned about the hormones kicking in. Not relevant yet.

[Sid_Wolf]

i was smacked, had my mouth washed out with soap all of that, once when i shouted at my mum that i hated her and made her cry my dad slapped my arse so hard i literally flew across the bed. I tell you what, I never done it again, and neither have i turned into some deranged adult who thinks violence is the answer.

We made smacking (that leaves a mark) illegal, and look at the state of kids now, they are untouchable, and they know it and use it to their full advantage, they know they can get away with smacking their parents and swearing at adults, because nothing will be done about it, if they are threatened with a slap they threaten the parents with social services and childline. Its bollocks!

Im not saying beat your kid, but if they step out of line then smacking them across the arse isnt gunna screw them up for life.

[Biggles]

There is also an organisation called Parentline which is very similar to Childline.

[Sibe77]

I have 3 boys 7,6 and 4 and they are always fighting! i gave up telling them to stop, so i just joined in! now the other half has to deal with 4 kids fighting....lol

I always find a pillow works wonders tho, it dont bring up the bruises but gives you a nice satisfaction of beating the little shits and eases a lot of tention....

I love my kids more than anything in the world and just like you they fight from morning till night, it is what kids do!.Im going to sound really harsh and im sorry but deal with it!!, there are people out there who cant have kids and would die to be in your shoes there are kids out there dying with parents wishing they were home fighting with there siblings, you have no idea how lucky you are! self harming yourself is not the answer, do you not have any family that maybe could take the kids for a day or 2 and maybe give you a break?

[Tikaani'smum]

I'm a single Mum, and I have 3 kids, two boys 9 and 11, and a girl aged 14.

The eldest and youngest used to fight from the minute they woke up until their heads hit the pillow at night. Like you, it was driving me mad. I tried everything I could think of - shouting, grounding, taking away toys/privileges, ignoring them, sitting them on the stairs or in a corner - none of it worked. Add to this the fact that my youngest had a really bad anger issue, where if my eldest breathed the same air as him he would punch walls/doors/fencing, he would smash his toys to pieces, he would shout, call everyone names and be completely uncontrollable until he'd got it out of his system.....this could take up to an hour! It was scary to think that this problem could only get worse the older he got!

Eventually, whenever they started to fight I would separate them into their rooms. They had to stay there and not communicate with each other. At meal times I would call one down to eat, send them back to their room and then call the other one down. This went on for 4 days! I was NOT going to give in though. On the 5th day they both called me upstairs and apologised for fighting! I was amazed! They told me they would try their hardest not to fight any more, but could they please come out of their rooms. I agreed but told them as soon as it starts again, they would both go back to their rooms. This was last Summer and so far, so good. Obviously we still get arguments, I expect that, but they haven't hit each other.

As for the youngest and his anger.....this was quite difficult to change. When he was calm I sat him down and asked if he could tell me why he got SO angry about things. He didn't know, he said he couldn't control it. I tried giving him ideas on what he could do when he got angry, like going and hitting his pillow - no one gets hurt - or I have a punch bag in my garage and he could use that, go for a run around the block. He did do these things and it helped to calm him down. He eventually learned to realise when he was getting angry and could defuse the situation himself, and he learnt to walk away from things.

He has done so well to help himself with this, I am SO proud of him as this could so easily have spiralled out of control. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he didn't know how to stop it until I gave him some ideas.

I can understand completely how you feel, Louise.

I felt like I'd failed them, that I was a useless Mum, that I couldn't control them and that I'd lost their respect. The way I see it now is that it was THEM who couldn't control themselves, I could only direct them and they chose not to listen..

The one thing I didn't do though, was smack them. I learnt from them that this was not the way to deal with things. You see, they go to their Dad's at weekends, and they used to come home now and again saying that their Dad had hit them for something, usually trivial. They used to tell me they hated him. They used to tell HIM they hated him. He used to ask me why the children would behave for me and not for him, well, I didn't hit them and he did. I had rules and boundaries, he didn't. He used to shout at them, I'd stopped shouting - I think children see you shouting at them as you losing control. Never lose control.

My kids have never told me that they hate me. That tells me I'm doing something right!

It is hard bringing up children, and it does test you, but you DO come out the other side. Stronger.

Perhaps you could try completely changing the way YOU are? It may unsettle them into wondering what's going on. Stop shouting, stop smacking etc, calm down and your children may follow your lead.

Isn't it the same with husky pups....when they are barkers/howlers....do not shout at them because they will think you're joining in

I really hope you get things sorted. I do feel for you

[Aramek]

I was under the impression that British children were very well behaved, soft-spoken, timid, and all wore little grey wool outfits with bowties.

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

I was under the impression that British children were very well behaved, soft-spoken, timid, and all wore little grey wool outfits with bowties.

yeah in story tales maybe!

[Removed #5]

yeah in story tales maybe!

but .. but .. but ... don't all you britishers live story book lives?????

[Keir]

but .. but .. but ... don't all you britishers live story book lives?????

And we think Americans are all 'The Waltons' LOL

Seriously though, Good Luck! My Mum and I have a really good relationship now, but by God I was hateful when I was a teenager (although the wife has her views now) Just keep loving and I'm sure you'll work it out

[Kissu & Aara]

Do they have any programs there that are something like boot camp? My friends sister stabbed her mom in the hand when we were all around 11 years old. She sent her off to boot camp and she came back as a totally different person.

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

Do they have any programs there that are something like boot camp? My friends sister stabbed her mom in the hand when we were all around 11 years old. She sent her off to boot camp and she came back as a totally different person.

god i wish they did lol

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

on a better point yesterday we went to see mr poppers penguins at the cinema and they were ok.

Today yup you guessed it little shites again!

[BingBlaze n Skyla]

on a better point yesterday we went to see mr poppers penguins at the cinema and they were ok.

Today yup you guessed it little shites again!

how good is mr poppers penguins! i saw that yesterday too

i like Claires idea of having them in their rooms n that