parenting advice please - older kids

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

My son is 10, 11 in February.

He has been going to a friends house and told me they have been playing on the xbox 360.

Playing on this http://wheelmangame.uk.ubi.com/site/ its a 16. The drive around crashing cars etc and im sure there is some gun violence.

Is it wrong for me to want him not to play this or should I lighten up? I mean we all did it didnt we? watch older films etc?

Im leaning toward banning him from going to the house, I dont know the parents enough to talk to them casually about it.

[valkyries]

if your not comfy with it don't ban him from going to his mates, speak to the friends parents asking that they don't play that stuff when your son is there xxxxx i never allowed it with my son i was never comfy with it, to much violence for me xxxx

[Removed #2]

Talking to the parents will be useless, as if your son's friend is playing it, they are allowing it. Are the parents home when they are there? I learned really quick when mine were young that everyone has different rules. You could tell your son that he can have this friend over to your house, but he probably won't come if you don't have xbox. AND...when some of us did things we shouldn't, times were different and we didn't know better. Follow your gut. Your kid may hate you, but then, you aren't supposed to be his friend, you are supposed to be his parent!

[Sarah]

i'm kinda on the fence with this I think kids can differentiate between video games and real life - if it doesn't bother the kid or freak them out - have bad dreams etc I don't see the issue

Matthew's 9, he plays similar things although nothing with sexual reference as I don't believe things like that are appropriate for kids

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

Talking to the parents will be useless, as if your son's friend is playing it, they are allowing it. Are the parents home when they are there? I learned really quick when mine were young that everyone has different rules. You could tell your son that he can have this friend over to your house, but he probably won't come if you don't have xbox. AND...when some of us did things we shouldn't, times were different and we didn't know better. Follow your gut. Your kid may hate you, but then, you aren't supposed to be his friend, you are supposed to be his parent!

the house has several kids, the one he was playing on it with is a 4 year old boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 years old!!

SO talking to the parents wont work you are right.

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

i'm kinda on the fence with this I think kids can differentiate between video games and real life - if it doesn't bother the kid or freak them out - have bad dreams etc I don't see the issue

Matthew's 9, he plays similar things although nothing with sexual reference as I don't believe things like that are appropriate for kids

Ive not seen the game as we dont have an xbox so I dont know what it has in it. Thing is jordon is badly behaved and he does live in fantasy a lot.

[mike_p]

That game was rated 16+ because of realistic violence and strong language.

I think you are very sensible to be concerned about your son playing it.

Where you say "I dont know the parents enough to talk to them casually about it." I think it would be advisable to make a point of getting to know anyone who has care of your child for a reasonable amount of time for just this reason.

So, yes, do talk to the other parents. If they react badly, ban your son from going to their house. If they're really nasty about it, as a last resort, you could consider reporting them to social services.

If the other child is a friend from school, then I think you should address the matter with the school so that they can help. I come across exactly the same problem with a the child of a friend and one problem they needed to get round was the peer pressure at school. "I want to play that game 'cos everybody's talking about it at school and I don't want to be left out."

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

That game was rated 16+ because of realistic violence and strong language.

I think you are very sensible to be concerned about your son playing it.

Where you say "I dont know the parents enough to talk to them casually about it." I think it would be advisable to make a point of getting to know anyone who has care of your child for a reasonable amount of time for just this reason.

So, yes, do talk to the other parents. If they react badly, ban your son from going to their house. If they're really nasty about it, as a last resort, you could consider reporting them to social services.

If the other child is a friend from school, then I think you should address the matter with the school so that they can help. I come across exactly the same problem with a the child of a friend and one problem they needed to get round was the peer pressure at school. "I want to play that game 'cos everybody's talking about it at school and I don't want to be left out."

basically we live down the same street so I know of them and I know where he is and what house he is in. Ive spoken to the mum a few times but not the dad, who is obv letting his 4 year old play it.

[Andy]

My eldest son has been playing the Grand Theft Auto games (and lots of other of that type of game) for a looooong time now.

While he is now an adult he's been playing them since his middle teens.

We live on one of the largest housing estates in Europe, and as such has a "bad" reputation for

teenage crime etc.

Despite this, and playing the games a lot he has never been tempted to hotwire and steal a car, tool up with Uzi's

and go out shooting and raping, innocent people and prostitutes, or gunning down druglords and taking over their

criminal empires.

Why ???

Because most kids understand the difference between video and reality.

Personally I don't like those types of games (Don't get me wrong I love a good FPS)

but I think any kid who gets sucked into a life of crime and violence soley on the influence of video games

has to be very suggestible and will probably have underlying mental problems.

If your kid is a normal healthy, youngster, I wouldn't worry too much.

However I would still monitor the type of games he's playing as they tend to have a LOT of swearing and bad language

and THIS they can and probably WILL pick up on and repeat in the playground and around their mates.

[stormchaser09]

Oh I have had the same problem with my youngest, Last summer he had really bad nightmares after playing a 15+ game at his friends so I did speak to the boys mum and explained, but I also have to trust that he doesn't play them when he goes there( which is infrequent anyway). My concern with my son is he does play obsessively if I don't seriously watch the time he spends on it and his personality does change. ( not for the better either) so for the majority of the time it is confiscated and lying in our room. The latest incident was when he borrowed an 18 game from his friend and hid it from me, so he is now banned for the forseeable future. I have had kids coming into the nursery saying they have been playing particular games that are at least age 12+.

I have tried to explain to my son why I don't want him watching/playing these sort of games but he thinks it's cool cos his pal's mum buys them all for her son. -seriously spoilt child. Had 3 xbox 360's as he wanted a black one then changed his mind and wanted a white one then when the new kinect she bought a full new system.

I have no advise just wanted to say fully understand your problem and sypmathise.

[Sid_Wolf]

my mum was always very strict regarding what films i could watch, and music i could listen to, i never really played games but my 13YO brother does and shes the same with him

tbh, it done my head in, when i brought an album home i had to give her the insert so she could check the lyrics, if it didnt have on she had to listen to it 1st. And tbh i just went round mates houses and listened to it, and listened to it at school, and never told her. I told her that me and a mate watched the ring at a sleepover (i was 13, its a 15 i think) and she grounded me and i was banned from that friends house for a long time. I never forgave her for making me miss her bday party.

I just hid it from her, i wasnt gunna be the only one in school with a psycho mum who wouldnt let me listen to the same music or watch a film.

My OH on the other hand, had no bounderies regarding that sort of thing, he was watching aliens at 8. He's fine! and has a better relationship with his mum than i do with mine, i love my mum to bits, but his relationship with him mum is much more open, he tells her anything

I think that as a parent you can take it too far, and become over protective, Im not saying he should be allowed to watch Hostel or anything, but playing a game with a bit of swearing and violence isnt gunna mess him up for life

[stormchaser09]

it's a bit of a minefield really and it's good to hear the views of younger folks on the subject. To start with I was probably a bit more relaxed and the boys did have a few racing type games aimed at 15/16+ and I didn't mind but when Ryan had the nightmares I felt so guilty that I was being a bad parent for not taking the age guides more seriously.

[RedJasper]

This is a tough one. As a parent of a 17year old. When My daughter was 10 I never would have allowed her to play such games. Simply because of her developing mind at that age. However I also knew banning her ment she would lie, manipulate, and do what ever it took to do what I said not to.

However I work with incarcerated teen boys who have committed felony crimes against others (rape, robbery, car jacking, assault). We do not allow them to play such games at our facility for the same reason. These boys (most of them) can not differenciate between the game and relality. It amps them up and they start assaulting each other. Then again these being boys that have been brought up to idealize prison and what it brings.

From parent to parent talking to the other parents probably wont do any good. I would say give it a shot if there is an older sibling in the house. Such as the younger one may have took the olders game with out consent. It is also likely that the parents bought it simply because the kid wanted it and they never took the time to read the box. So while it probably wont do much good I can think of reasons to have that talk. By doing so at least if it does not turn out you can say that you tried when you have to explain to your son why that particular kid needs to come to your house from now on.

Not all kids who play violent games listen to sexually explicit music will turn out bad seeds. It really depends on the child and the parents and the raising of that child. I still think 10 is to young reguardless. At 10 they should be worried about transformers, leggos, and sponge bob. I just those are to mature for a 10 year old.

[BingBlaze n Skyla]

if u click the website theres a trailer - imo it doesnt look that bad - just car stunts mainly with the occasional small amount of things blowing up

my 12 year old bro plays ALOT worse (grand theft auto, saints row ect) n hes fine - he LOVES games with zombies in too n just recently got dead island - he also loves zombie films n has them all recorded on sky plus

so i think it depends on if ur son is gonna get scared from games like this

otherwise i would just let boys b boys

also in response to redjasper - he loves all ov the above - but for him u cant beat lego n spongebob

my mum listens to stuff like eminem aswell so hes been exposed to that from a young age n he is fine

[Removed #1]

Everyone certainly has their own opinion on this and so many other parenting topics...I can only share my own thoughts and feelings on the matter and meh you do what you feel is right for YOUR child.

I am the jerk mom in the neighborhood...it took some time for the other children to understand that I had no issue with hurting their feelings or meeting their parents for the first time for no reason other than to discuss the latest ridiculously unsafe, or rude thing their child has done whilst visiting. It's not because I want to be a jerk...but because the rules at our house are different...and quite frankly kids are kids and when they're out of that little structured world of home they're going to push things...

As a result I have good open communication between other parents in the neighborhood and when one of our kids muck off it's gotten to the point where we can tell the kids...."You have until X time to tell your mum...then I'm calling." and we haven't had an incident where they haven't gone home and failed to confess their ill behavior yet...doesn't mean we don't check up on it at x time...but so far it's worked out well.

Rated blah blah blah video games and kids...

I really feel this is up to the parents to determine...if you're not comfortable with it then do talk to the parents...but please do keep in mind that not only is this going to perhaps stop the video game playing...but some parents and children are more tactful than others so you end up putting your son in a position where he's essentially the reason that his friends can't enjoy something that they've been enjoying specifically because of his presence. Kids are cruel...it's not always the way we'd like to see things...but it's the way things are sometimes.

In regards to him already having bad behavior...and fears that this video game may escalate it...

• 
  
  
• is his behavior WORSE after he goes to his friends house and plays for a bit?
  
  
• Does he have access to guns to run around shooting people?
  
  
• Do you plan on leaving him in a situation where this would be appealing?
  
  
• Does he seem to lack the ability to tell (or care about) right vs. wrong...or fantasy vs. reality?
  
  
• Is him continuing to visit his friends house going to have a long term detrimental effect on his ability to grow up into a productive member of society or someone that you can be proud of?
  
  
• Are you worried about him being desensitized...or is it the prospect of again, him imitating these actions or failing to recognize that they're wrong to take?
  
  
• How are you going to be letting him know he can't go to his friends house? Children often misintrepret what parents say and don't say anything about it for YEARS...is it going to be presented as him having done something wrong? you not trusting him to do the right thing? or you just not liking his friends? How's this particular dialogue going to set into things when he is a full on teenager preparing to enter into adulthood? Is he still going to be able to come to you about things? Or is this video game incident going to be that one moment when he decided that he would be punished or judged for sharing with you?
  
  

Some of the questions to consider may seem a bit extreme...but I would seriously look at the whole picture. When I was a kid we ran around whacking each other with sticks, playing pirates, peter pan, and cops and robbers...Yeah there was the nintendo and such but most parents i knew didn't let their kids play all the time...sure we got bumps and scratches and bruises (I can still remember the lessons learned from the great cactus throwing war of 1990...remember boys an girls just because it's a little cactus doesn't mean that your palms aren't going to be full of those little spikey things if you throw them at each other)...yes there was always someone who got to be the bad guy physically pretending to shoot at...or actually whacking at with the wooden stick swords we imagined and the majority of us didn't grow up to shoot at people, or run around stabbing people...

Above all...again only you can decide what the right thing is for your family and your children...and I'm certainly not judging anyone...just sharing my own thoughts on things...My Dah used to tell me all the time, "Stephanie...just enjoy being a kid...you've got the rest of your life to work and worry...just a few more years to be really carefree." I really wish I'd have understood what he meant then...instead it gets to be one of those things that I pass onto my own kids knowing full well that they won't understand it until they're working, worrying and running around in the joys of adulthood...

[Removed #1]

basically we live down the same street so I know of them and I know where he is and what house he is in. Ive spoken to the mum a few times but not the dad, who is obv letting his 4 year old play it.

4 years old?????

:angry:

Sooooo...essentially just out of that forming attachments and a basic understanding of whose supposed to love me and how I should behave for the rest of my life developmental period?

[stormchaser09]

I think sometimes parents simply use games and tv as babysitters for their kids, You wouldn't believe the number of 4 year olds that can barely speak cos they don't engage in conversations with their parents, they are just left sitting in front of an electronic child minder. - leave them while their quiet. ( I am not implying anyone one here, just observations from some kids I know)

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

ok heres what we as parents have decided. He is not allowed to play it. I am trusting him to say no and I am not involving the parents in it. I trust him to say no im not allowed to play it. Thus giving him some responsibility, we have also explained why we dont want him playing it. If it was in my house, under my watchful eyes I wouldnt be stopping it. I dont like the fact its not in my house and I cant control it.

[willbacker45]

It really depends on your kid...I have been playing those types of games ever since I had an xbox about 8 I would say I played grand theft auto ect...I am now 21 and I am normal haha studying civil engineering at university with no desire to steal cars or shoot up banks my parents allowed me to play as they knew that I understood e difference between real life and video games

[jules dief taz tor]

my son has been playing these sort of games for years hes now 18 and has turned out ok, no trouble with the police, he hasnt robbed a car or shot anybody . and tbh i would rather he was in a house playing on the games than out on the streets being bored and getting into trouble.

but i know my son knows the difference between real life and fantasy , if you think your son has trouble in that area you are wise to stop the game playing at other ppl houses, can the children not come to your house to play so you can keep a closer eye on it

[Marc]

OK here is the problem that I have with this. IMO the games should be rated as a guidence to adults who are buying them only. I very much believe that you dont shield your children from bad things, you educate them in what is right and wrong. I have been taught this from a young age by both my mum and dad, have not been shielded from violent films, horror films, games etc etc.

So going off the governments advice in that it causes children to do xyz I would love for someone to explain to me why I have no criminal record, have never had so much as a subtle warning for the police, have never had a major problem with drugs, never stolen a car etc. Its because I was educated. You cant no matter how much you try shield your children from the world around them, you can only educate them enough to know the difference between what they see and what they do.

[sutsibe]

OK here is the problem that I have with this. IMO the games should be rated as a guidence to adults who are buying them only. I very much believe that you dont shield your children from bad things, you educate them in what is right and wrong. I have been taught this from a young age by both my mum and dad, have not been shielded from violent films, horror films, games etc etc.

So going off the governments advice in that it causes children to do xyz I would love for someone to explain to me why I have no criminal record, have never had so much as a subtle warning for the police, have never had a major problem with drugs, never stolen a car etc. Its because I was educated. You cant no matter how much you try shield your children from the world around them, you can only educate them enough to know the difference between what they see and what they do.

The problem is that too many parents - on both sides of the pond - don't parent like your parents did!

[Removed #1]

OK here is the problem that I have with this. IMO the games should be rated as a guidence to adults who are buying them only. I very much believe that you dont shield your children from bad things, you educate them in what is right and wrong. I have been taught this from a young age by both my mum and dad, have not been shielded from violent films, horror films, games etc etc.

So going off the governments advice in that it causes children to do xyz I would love for someone to explain to me why I have no criminal record, have never had so much as a subtle warning for the police, have never had a major problem with drugs, never stolen a car etc. Its because I was educated. You cant no matter how much you try shield your children from the world around them, you can only educate them enough to know the difference between what they see and what they do.

Government trying to raise kids is a whole nother topic in my head...their overall judgement is questionable...and one has to wonder how many people making these decisions have actually raised children of their own...and of course what THOSE children are up to now. I'm sure there are some upstanding people in government...and some whom I genuinely agree with...but there are just as many who don't fall into either category...and to put it bluntly it's rather nice of them to say what you should do when they don't actually have to deal with the physical, or emotional consequences their 'guidance' imposes on family units...

My own kids don't tend to play alot of video games, and I do monitor what they watch...there are things I don't allow them to watch or play...but it's not because of some age restriction put into things...rather it's my own judgement regarding how it will impact them personally...are they sheltered from some things? Yes, but that's largely because I don't think that shows or games with sexual content are appropriate for children...not because it's icky, but because more often than not it's either above a level they can understand...or because they are children and quite frankly alot of the viewable movies, and games with such content tend to make light of things, confuse, or put the responsibility related to make those sorts of adult choices into an either unrealistic light, or make light of things that are in fact rather serious life changing decisions. The same thing goes for violence...the things I don't allow them to watch aren't obstructed from viewing based upon some government recommendation...rather, it's based upon my desire to have them still be affected by truely heinous things when they reach adulthood...this may be a good or a bad thing...but I really don't want them watching some tragedy unfold on the news...only to greet it with a cavalier sort of 'huh...didn't happen to me' sort of attitude.

[Kechara]

As a gamer with somewhat sheltering parents (my mom wouldn't buy me Assassin's Creed because of the title when I was 18 ), it can be pretty frustrating lol. I've played lots of violent, scary, crazy games but in reality I live a nice quiet life, no criminal record and would never think of starting one

Hell, I find it hard to kill some animals in games like World of Warcraft still XD I skip all the quests asking for wolf furs and such lol.

If you have faith that your son is a smart cookie and knows the difference between right and wrong, then you're probably fine letting him play more mature games If he's a down to earth person who can tell the difference between fiction and reality, he'll have no problem sorting out video games vs real life!

[Elyse]

In all honesty...I think the rating system on video games is making parents too overprotective. I've started playing games that are 'M' (Mature) rated (18+) when I was 11 years old (nothing sexual in the games...just very violent). I turned out fine and so did my brother; we both know the difference between games and reality...and we know that the violence stops when you finish playing the game. We don't do drugs, steal, smoke, or go out on random killing sprees. Neither of us has a criminal record, none of us has gone to jail or commited animal abuse...

Heck, I get upset when I have to kill animals in games. I usually find mods that prevent me from killing the animals by setting the animals to see me as a 'friendly'.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of messed up kids these days that don't know the difference between the virtual world and reality...and these video games get the bad rap.

I believe the situation is different for each family: if you KNOW your kid understands the difference between games vs reality, I wouldn't worry about it. But, if you know that your kid doesn't know the difference...I'd restrict them from playing the games that are rated 'above' his age level.

In ll honesty, though, I think the overprotectiveness of today's parents is a bit over the top. Either that, or today's parents are getting worse. Stupid reality TV shows like 'Super Nanny' aren't helping, either. The advice she gives, IMO, is stupid.