Just a vent...

[calvinandmommy]

Ok so not really looking for advice just need to get this off of my chest and people that don't personally know me are the best to tell lol. Oh and I may not make any sense what so ever.

So the husband and I have been married for almost 2 and a half years. We are "happy" as in we don't fight. I can't find a job around here that will hire me and allow me to go to school for a few hours twice a week. Since I can't find a job the husband is really restrictive on what I can and can't do. I have to ask him if I want to buy something or go somewhere. If I don't have a good reason then it is a no. If he wants something though like a major part for his car then he just buys it no talking to me about it. If I go grocery shopping alone I get a max amount I can spend. But he won't let me near the finances at all since it is all his money. I feel like I am losing myself in this marriage. Since I can't find a job I have mentioned that I would like to get back into painting or crafts again but since it would cost money to start it up then I can't. I had a friend ask me if I still painted and when I said no he was really disappointed that I let it go. I hate this feeling! I have had a friend tell me to just leave him but I have nothing. I maybe have $50 to my name. Where would I go? Back to TX to live with my parents....I would rather be miserable then do that. Back to FL to be close to friends that would help me out....can't no money. I would lose everything I have and everything that I am right now....which right now feels like I am just known as that girl married to Josh who really loves Harry Potter and England. Others have said talk to him about it....yeah way easier said then done. I don't have a clue where to start. And his parents will be here on Saturday for a week so I really don't want to talk about it now and then it becomes a big thing while his parents are here.

I don't feel loved I feel like we are just roommates. We don't really spend time together. If we are together then he sits at his computer or plays his game. Or we are always at our friends house. I love our friends and all but dang can we hang out together for once.

I am so stressed. I want to just go away for a few days to spend time by myself. I already asked him if I could go to FL for a few days after this semester is over and he said "no why do you want to go back you didn't like it when we lived there." Wrong I would have liked it more if we did something besides sit around at home or go over to our so called friends house all the time!

I hate that I can't just go that I have to ask him! I feel like I live at my parents house again!! My friend in FL has a spare ticket that he got for free from the airline and he has offered me the ticket if I want to use it. That would be awesome but then the husband would probably be mad because another guy is giving me a plane ticket. And me and this guy were never together just really close friends....I've known him for 5 years now.

Oh and I may have depression too! Ugh so much stupid stuff going on!!

Ok rant/vent over sorry if you read this. But thanks for reading if you did.

[BingBlaze n Skyla]

Big hugs hun I don't know what to suggest not sure if u get it over there but could you apply for job seekers? , basically u get a small amount ov money paid to you and the agency looks for jobs for you which u have to attend interviews for (you don't get the money if u don't attend) not sure if u have something like that there?

Sent from my ST18i using Forum Runner

[Removed #5]

Jennifer, I really hate that people are in your position. Just checked, Col isn't a community property state so you have no claim on his income - that sucks!

On the other hand, you are not a slave and you do have the right to come and go as you please. Ignoring the temper tantrum he'd have if you took the friend up on his offer - he really has no legal right to say you can't go if you want to.

You can't take the car, it's in his name and even though you are his wife he can file theft charges.

What is it with some people who seem to think that they have the right to have ultimate control over another? Not only is not fair, taken much further than he has - you can take him to court for - I forget the legal term - but essentially holding you hostage. He just cannot (legally or morally) do that!

I wish you the best - but that's a bad situation you're in ...

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

thing is, hes earning the money. Im terrible with money. so we have sepetate accounts and i have a part time job to earn money i can spend. still i get told off if i overspend.

[AutumnAlicia]

Thats not a good situation. I know how you feel with being with someone and its just like a roommate thing. It really sucks. Im sorry you are unhappy.

[LittleLuka]

that sucks really bad. have you thought about just finding a small part time job to have some spending money? i got an additional job waiting tables just for some extra spending money. at the end of the day, marriage is a partnership, not an ownership. He should respect you as his equal and not limit every single thing you do.

i'd go to florida. just sayin.

[simhauu]

The reason I got us Ghost was because I felt alone. A city where I have only 3-4 friends from university, a boyfriend with whom I live and who spends most days working or playing games on PC when he wants to relax and me doing nothing (no part time job to go to at the time; about to start one finally though). I don't really have much to offer him either and I know that if we broke up it'd be just like your situation.

I know it's hard and even I don't know how to tell him things either. But it's better to start because once you get very frustrated, you'll get in a big fight in which I'm sure he will tell you that you give nothing in money-wise.

He's playing games to relax, just like my bf I believe. To rest from work. I remember days when he'd offer to go out for a walk, now it's usually asking me if he'd go for a walk with me and Ghost and 9.5/10 times he says no. Tell him sooner than when you'll be frustrated so much like me that you'd like to go for a walk at least that you don't want to sit home all day and that you FEEL he doesn't care about you as much as he used to and should.

If you really didn't want any reply or advice, sorry, got a little talkative in writing. >>'

[calvinandmommy]

Thank you everybody!

I am going to try to talk to him soon but we will see how it goes. I need to do some "soul searching" and figure out what is best for me right now. It is hard with my choices being loose everything or loose myself.

If we end up splitting eventually who is going to take me in lol.

[tracey8]

Aww hope things get better for you, it is easy for people to say do this or that,but your the one that it effects and only you know whether you can carry on living like this !

[LuvMyKai]

Oh, big hugs, really feel for you, must be a very difficult situation but a marriage means you share your lives, money, house everything...if you feel unhappy you should tell him and try and work it out, its not fair on yourself to carry on like that. Really hope you work it out...x

[Osinn11]

Sorry that really is a tough situation. I Hope everything works out. My wife works for a company that would be perfect for your job situation. Maybe there is something like it over in your area. She waters plants, both business and private. They a very flexible and she can basically make her own schedule. (but drives alot)

Does your hubby ever go out on walks with you and Calvin? My wife and I are very close and do almost everything together. We walk the dog together every evenning. It's nice we spend time as a "family" and can have un-interupted casual conversations while we walk! Is this a possibility for you?

[storm_marsden]

Sounds like a selfish pratt.

Sorry I know he's your husband but its not on.

I run my own business in the UK and employ 5 staff, one of whom is my dad. We don't make millions unfortunately and my wife, married just over a year gave up work in January 2010. She was bullied at work, became depressed and basically forced out. I told her not to worry, this was the first few months of me setting up my business. We survived with no help at all, just. I have not once stopped her shopping, seeing friends, been the person I fell in love with and to make her feel how your feeling would kill me. Fortunately we are solid, have a 6 month old daughter, just bought a new 5 bed 4 storey house( moving soon) and things are good. The main reason it's good is because we work together and understand each others needs. Having said that her friend is going through the exact same thing and its awful. I really do feel for you and hope your husband sees sense and apologises for been a complete idiot with you

[Stormy]

I really hope you manage to sort this out sounds like an awful situation

[calvinandmommy]

Oh goody! So I had to take a quiz in my history class on Tuesday. Of course I find out today that I failed it. And guess why!? Because I was so stressed out I couldn't focus! Why does this stuff always have to happen in the middle of school.

I really feel like just driving away and never coming back some days.

[Povodny]

You're depressed, suffering anxiety, low self worth ( because of the way you're being treated, second rate). You'll be highly emotional which is totally understandable but unfortunately works against you in a discussion with someone like your partner by the way you e described him.

I know you don't want loads of advice. But eventually when you feel ready you will talk to him. All I would suggest is talk about how it all makes you FEEL. He can argue the toss about anything factual. But he can't tell you how you feel. And he can't tell you you're not feeling it.

If hrs unaware of how you feel, once you tell him if he cares he will do something to help change that

[mydiamond]

don't have anything to say, but here's a hug it's one tough situation

[Austinville]

I lived that life for a few years. The thing I needed to figure out and help my husband figure out was that while I shared his dreams, I also had dreams of my own. And until I stood up for myself (and this doesn't have to be a 'war') He didn't understand. Men don't think like women. What I learned was that when I allowed him to control things, it only confirmed to him that I was 'weak' and needed more 'restrictions', so to speak. Once I explained that what he was doing wasn't helping, things changed.

Occasionally, he falls back into his old ways. For example, when I lost my first husky, I desperately wanted another. He refused. I did it anyway. He wasn't a happy camper for the first few days. I explained that there had been several purchases on his part that I hadn't approved of, but I'd supported his wants and needs and he should be doing the same. It really made him take another look at things again.

The thing is that with men such as these, they'll always fall back into that role - if you let them.

My OH enjoys fishing. I don't hate it, but don't like being stuck in a boat for hours upon hours (and pee-ing in a bucket ---- the worst!) Once I explained that it's not the fishing I don't like, he began to understand. Now he goes fishing and I mess with the husky. Sometimes I still go, but he understands the "rules".

The thing is, if you don't stand up for what you need in the relationship, things are never going to change. If you can't or won't verbalize it to him, you need to be prepared for the end of the marriage OR to be "second" in everything (and to be content with that).

The way it sounds, is you're really not very happy with the way things are going. YOU are the only one who can change it. It's a risk, but you need to decide whether the risk is worth it or not. To me, it would be - you'll either have the marriage you want, or the freedom to find one that is.

Been there, understand exactly what you're going through and pleased to say we just celebrated our 29th anniversary. The road isn't always smooth, but I can always count on my OH - we didn't always know that about each other. Make life what you want it to be.

He can only make you feel the way he is IF YOU LET HIM. Stand up and stop letting him. Best advice I could live or give.

[Removed #2]

Oh goody! So I had to take a quiz in my history class on Tuesday. Of course I find out today that I failed it. And guess why!? Because I was so stressed out I couldn't focus! Why does this stuff always have to happen in the middle of school.

I really feel like just driving away and never coming back some days.

Jennifer dear, I just looked at your profile and at 22 years old, you should not be feeling this way. I don't know what it is these days with young people, but it sure sounds like the boys, who are not quite men love their games more than their wives or significant others or girlfriends. Obviously, you weren't aware this is how it was going to be or hopefully you would not have made these choices. Mutual property state or not, I would suggest you get in that car with your dog and go, keep going , till you get somewhere safe, away from the controlling man that you call your husband. I don't normally give advice to strangers, but I know the feeling also, like Austinville, and you are young enough now for this not to affect your entire life. If you are a stay at home wife and he wants you to be that way, then it's his job to care for you financially, not control you. Aren't you seeing this? You are in a parent child relationship, not husband and wife, and unfortunately, you are the child in it. Why did you marry in the first place? Are you madly in love? Doesn't sound like it. Maybe you should suggest some marriage counseling. If that is not something he'll do, your answer should be clear. Sorry you have to suffer like this, but you have to be the one to choose not to and get a different life.

[calvinandmommy]

First thank you everybody for the support.

Why did you marry in the first place? Are you madly in love?

Before I was married and even now I was afraid of being alone. To the point that I would we will say "date" guys once or twice and then find another. I hated being without a man in my life. I had known the husband for 4 years and he was in Iraq when we started talking again. We had tried to date before but it was going to be long distance and at that time I didn't want to be tied down. When he came back from Iraq I went to FL and visited him and he took me to Minnesota to meet his parents. While he was still in Iraq we talked about how it would be funny if after 4 years of knowing each other we got married. I really thought I knew him. He came back in late May and we were married in late July. I should have listened to my gut. A few times I had a feeling of just run, don't do this. But unfortunately I listened to what my mind thought was going to be fun. How stupid of me!

The really bad thing is the guy I still have strong feelings for and he still has strong feelings for me....we both hate that I was so messed up that I pushed him away and he hates that he let me push him away. I would feel like a tramp if I left the husband and went straight to another guy though. Ugh!!

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

First thank you everybody for the support.

Before I was married and even now I was afraid of being alone. To the point that I would we will say "date" guys once or twice and then find another. I hated being without a man in my life. I had known the husband for 4 years and he was in Iraq when we started talking again. We had tried to date before but it was going to be long distance and at that time I didn't want to be tied down. When he came back from Iraq I went to FL and visited him and he took me to Minnesota to meet his parents. While he was still in Iraq we talked about how it would be funny if after 4 years of knowing each other we got married. I really thought I knew him. He came back in late May and we were married in late July. I should have listened to my gut. A few times I had a feeling of just run, don't do this. But unfortunately I listened to what my mind thought was going to be fun. How stupid of me!

The really bad thing is the guy I still have strong feelings for and he still has strong feelings for me....we both hate that I was so messed up that I pushed him away and he hates that he let me push him away. I would feel like a tramp if I left the husband and went straight to another guy though. Ugh!!

you dont love him, that is clear.

you may like him, but thats all thats coming through.

hes controlling u and making u u.happy.

leave, material things can be got again.

take the dog tho lol. ;-)

[Osinn11]

Every Friday I receive a blog from the owner of a company that we do business with..I just read today's blog and it seemed appropriate.

Sorry it is a little long but is a good read.

There is an age-old question: How do you boil a frog?

The answer: You can't just put the frog into boiling water because the frog will just jump out, so you put the frog in cold water and continue to turn up the temperature one degree at a time until the water is boiling and your frog is cooked.

My friend Julie was recently in negotiations to sell her medium-sized plumbing business to a much larger company. She has been in business now for about 30 years and has seen her company grow substantially over the years. She had grown tired of the plumbing business and wants to branch out into other areas.

Her business has several employees and it makes Julie a comfortable living each year, although she doesn't put in the hours or the energy she once did.

The concern trying to buy her company is a much larger company based on the east coast who is looking to break into the west coast market. The larger company is professionally managed and has made several acquisitions in the past.

The bigger company has a great reputation in the industry for treating employees well and prides itself on the quality of its customer service and customer satisfaction.

Through the help of a local investment banker, the two sides quickly settled upon a fair price for the business. The deal was structured to where 65% of the purchase price was to be paid up front with the remaining 35% paid over a three-year period based on the future performance of the company.

By structuring the pay-out in this way, the acquiring company could mitigate some of the inherent risk by forcing the seller to continue operating the business in a profitable manner. This way, an orderly transition from one owner to another could be made. If the customers were to go away, so did a substantial portion of the sales price.

Once the deal was initially agreed upon, the purchasing company began their due-diligence process. This is a period of time when the acquiring company reviews the books, records, contracts, financials and other key pieces of information related to the company that they are acquiring. This is standard practice in most mergers and acquistions.

Although Julie gave them most of pertinent information upfront, the new company wanted to perform their own audit of the company. The aquiring company sent in their team of forensic accountants to review all of the records and to meet with key personnel.

After a few days, investment banker called Julie. The acquiring company had found several things during their initial due-diligence that concerned them. These items were not major problems but they were issues concerning the concentration of accounts.

Julie's company performed a lot of work for one really larger property management company and that this customer represented about 30% of all of Julie's company's revenues. This was a concern for the new company in that if this customer went away, so would 30% of their revenue.

Due to this "issue", the acquiring company proposed that only 55% of the purchase price be paid upfront and 45% would be earned over the next three-years but overall the price would remain the same.

Julie understood their concerns but felt confident that their key customer would remain with the company, so she agreed to this new change in terms.

A few days later, the due-diligence team found another possible issue. This time it concerned the company's insurance rates which were much lower than the industry average.

Julie explained that the insurance rates were low due to her conscientious employees who rarely had accidents on the job. Since the front-line employees were staying with the company, she sensed that her lower rates would remain the same.

The acquiring company explained that this was really an aberration and that rates would surely go up in the near future, therefore the company's future earnings would affected and therefore a slightly lower purchase price would need to be negotiated.

Once again Julie, who really wanted the deal to go through, accepted the new terms.

A few days later the due-diligence team found yet another problem...and the terms were renegotiated...and then again another problem...and the terms were renegotiated...and so forth.

Soon the deal hardly reflected the deal that they had first struck only a few months ago. However, by this time, Julie had already spent several tens of thousands of dollars in legal and accounting fees. The acquiring company had also spent a great deal of money doing all of their legal and account investigations.

Julie had agreed to all the little changes in terms but the deal was now substantially different than the original deal.

After some deep soul-searching and counsel from some of her good friends, she realized that she couldn't sell her company under the terms and conditions that were now on the table.

She mustered up the courage to call the acquiring company and told them that she wasn't able to sell under these terms and conditions and needed to just walk away from the table. There were threats of legal action and recourse but in the end the deal just died and ultimately both parties went their own ways.

Julie's story isn't atypical. How many times in our own lives do we continue down a path seemingly longer than we should even though we know in our hearts that it is the wrong path?

We continue to stay in a bad relationship...we stay at a bad job...we let ourselves be bullied or taken advantage of by relatives, friends, bosses and/or colleagues...

Maybe we allow this to happen to us because we give ourselves excuses...we have kids...because we feel fortunate just to have a job in this economy...because we we're afraid...or maybe because we just don't know any better...

We rationalize our situation by saying to ourselves, "Better to live unhappily than to live alone or to live poor"... (I'm told that to "rationalize" is nothing more than telling ourselves "rational lies")

The sad part is that we aren't even aware of what is happening to us until many times it's too late...we started in cold water...but the temperature has been increasing over time...and now it's boiling...but we're too afraid to jump out of the pot.

Changing our lives takes courage and determination...but we can do it...we need to just take that leap upwards and forward...to a place outside the boiling water...

[calvinandmommy]

Every Friday I receive a blog from the owner of a company that we do business with..I just read today's blog and it seemed appropriate.

Sorry it is a little long but is a good read.

There is an age-old question: How do you boil a frog?

The answer: You can't just put the frog into boiling water because the frog will just jump out, so you put the frog in cold water and continue to turn up the temperature one degree at a time until the water is boiling and your frog is cooked.

My friend Julie was recently in negotiations to sell her medium-sized plumbing business to a much larger company. She has been in business now for about 30 years and has seen her company grow substantially over the years. She had grown tired of the plumbing business and wants to branch out into other areas.

Her business has several employees and it makes Julie a comfortable living each year, although she doesn't put in the hours or the energy she once did.

The concern trying to buy her company is a much larger company based on the east coast who is looking to break into the west coast market. The larger company is professionally managed and has made several acquisitions in the past.

The bigger company has a great reputation in the industry for treating employees well and prides itself on the quality of its customer service and customer satisfaction.

Through the help of a local investment banker, the two sides quickly settled upon a fair price for the business. The deal was structured to where 65% of the purchase price was to be paid up front with the remaining 35% paid over a three-year period based on the future performance of the company.

By structuring the pay-out in this way, the acquiring company could mitigate some of the inherent risk by forcing the seller to continue operating the business in a profitable manner. This way, an orderly transition from one owner to another could be made. If the customers were to go away, so did a substantial portion of the sales price.

Once the deal was initially agreed upon, the purchasing company began their due-diligence process. This is a period of time when the acquiring company reviews the books, records, contracts, financials and other key pieces of information related to the company that they are acquiring. This is standard practice in most mergers and acquistions.

Although Julie gave them most of pertinent information upfront, the new company wanted to perform their own audit of the company. The aquiring company sent in their team of forensic accountants to review all of the records and to meet with key personnel.

After a few days, investment banker called Julie. The acquiring company had found several things during their initial due-diligence that concerned them. These items were not major problems but they were issues concerning the concentration of accounts.

Julie's company performed a lot of work for one really larger property management company and that this customer represented about 30% of all of Julie's company's revenues. This was a concern for the new company in that if this customer went away, so would 30% of their revenue.

Due to this "issue", the acquiring company proposed that only 55% of the purchase price be paid upfront and 45% would be earned over the next three-years but overall the price would remain the same.

Julie understood their concerns but felt confident that their key customer would remain with the company, so she agreed to this new change in terms.

A few days later, the due-diligence team found another possible issue. This time it concerned the company's insurance rates which were much lower than the industry average.

Julie explained that the insurance rates were low due to her conscientious employees who rarely had accidents on the job. Since the front-line employees were staying with the company, she sensed that her lower rates would remain the same.

The acquiring company explained that this was really an aberration and that rates would surely go up in the near future, therefore the company's future earnings would affected and therefore a slightly lower purchase price would need to be negotiated.

Once again Julie, who really wanted the deal to go through, accepted the new terms.

A few days later the due-diligence team found yet another problem...and the terms were renegotiated...and then again another problem...and the terms were renegotiated...and so forth.

Soon the deal hardly reflected the deal that they had first struck only a few months ago. However, by this time, Julie had already spent several tens of thousands of dollars in legal and accounting fees. The acquiring company had also spent a great deal of money doing all of their legal and account investigations.

Julie had agreed to all the little changes in terms but the deal was now substantially different than the original deal.

After some deep soul-searching and counsel from some of her good friends, she realized that she couldn't sell her company under the terms and conditions that were now on the table.

She mustered up the courage to call the acquiring company and told them that she wasn't able to sell under these terms and conditions and needed to just walk away from the table. There were threats of legal action and recourse but in the end the deal just died and ultimately both parties went their own ways.

Julie's story isn't atypical. How many times in our own lives do we continue down a path seemingly longer than we should even though we know in our hearts that it is the wrong path?

We continue to stay in a bad relationship...we stay at a bad job...we let ourselves be bullied or taken advantage of by relatives, friends, bosses and/or colleagues...

Maybe we allow this to happen to us because we give ourselves excuses...we have kids...because we feel fortunate just to have a job in this economy...because we we're afraid...or maybe because we just don't know any better...

We rationalize our situation by saying to ourselves, "Better to live unhappily than to live alone or to live poor"... (I'm told that to "rationalize" is nothing more than telling ourselves "rational lies")

The sad part is that we aren't even aware of what is happening to us until many times it's too late...we started in cold water...but the temperature has been increasing over time...and now it's boiling...but we're too afraid to jump out of the pot.

Changing our lives takes courage and determination...but we can do it...we need to just take that leap upwards and forward...to a place outside the boiling water...

That was really awesome! Thank you for posting this! This entire situation is def taking me courage and determination but I plan to get through it alive some how. Ive talked to my mom and she said even though they dont have much room in the house they have now I am welcome back anytime. Which is def a nice feeling.