Povodny Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 Grrrrrrr. You think when you've got wee ones its hard work until you get the teenage variety. Then you wish they were younger and more biddable. Then comes the young adult stage. And you long for the teenage years. Then you get the return from university stage. That's rough as all the pieces on the board have moved and even the pieces themselves are now a different style. It's horrible when they go but also a relief because too many cooks really do spoil the broth. Relations improve with independence and space. But simultaneously as one leaves another one moves up the chain to take its place. So the problems only change they never leave. I was told by my younger daughter she thought although I was a good mother when she was at school, she felt I should have been more strict. For those parents out there, imagine that!? How well in the real world would that have gone? While at the same time after my eldest daughter moved out my youngests bf moved in with us. He's a lovely lad, works like a demon is an adopted son ( I already have three including a stepson) if I'd been more strict and less me, he wouldn't be living here. Has she considered that? Has she considered that I financially support not only her but her bf as they're saving (so called) to go travelling when she graduates with her degree. Yet today after I text her when I came home from work early this morning very frustrated because the cat I allowed her to have is still unspayed and in season yet again, sprayed the speaker in the living room in front of me. She's upset and tired of my texting her in a morning! She makes references to the dogs as by way of an excuse. Tells me she feels picked on, like a punching bag for everyone to have a go at and that she's under enormous pressure from home and university. All I said was, she's sprayed, clean it up. I didn't cover the issue of her not having got the cat spayed which would stop it happening again. I didn't remind her it's two weeks since the cat was last in season and acting in the same manner. I didn't mention how when previously told to sort it she's cried poverty as a struggling student but can find the money to buy going out clothes and weekends away on the lash. But she feels like a punch bag. I can only assume its her own conscience punching her. I left home at 18. I had bought and was running a house and caring for a baby at 19. By the time I was 27 I had four children, a house and a job. At 35 I had four children a job no home and no husband. I managed, I found a place to live, we had beds, a fridge, a cooker and couch someone gave us and I worked my job round my children. We never had much but we didn't have nothing. I've supported two children through university, the first two lived away, the one currently in uni didn't want to live away, I sometimes think she should have experienced being totally self reliant. The youngest is currently contemplating uni. I have my partners two to consider. That has been a very difficult adjustment for me. With one I've had to contend with stealing and deceit, the other had difficulties resulting from Aspergers which were compounded by having been thoroughly spoiled. That's now resolved and he's a lovely boy. The daughter however is still being deceitful and hurting everyone who cares for her. But this isn't about her. I come on here and read young people's gripes about their parents and I understand totally. It's very frustrating being young and wanting to do your own thing. Unfortunately society isn't allowing young people the freedom to become independent as early as I was able to. Living with parents longer is generally their only option. But also the parents are struggling living with their adult children. There's a clash of personalities and conflict over how things aught to be done. Everyone wants their opinion considered. Some will say its your home, your rules. And it is. But I'm also not so draconian. My children were taught right and wrong very early, then given enough rope to either self govern or hang themselves, while I guided the way. Law laying causes more conflict than it resolves in a house with six adults in it, not counting the weekenders. Im not sure what I'm trying to put across. I think I just needed to empty my head. Sorry it so long but I just got carried away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valkyries Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 how i know what your saying i ended up a single parent when my 2 kids where young, it's not easy and though i miss them i'm glad they made their own way now and i so don't think i could cope if they came home xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biggles Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 My friend has a sign which says "Being a Grandparent is the reward for not killing your kids when they were younger." I've told my two I can't wait to be a Grandparent so I can spoil the Grandkids rotten and hand them back hyper-active. My kids have told me it's the best contraceptive going. I do think when kids are at the Uni stage, if it can be afforded, they need to move away. Its a great maturation process and they have to rely on themselves for a change. My eldest is 25 and still at Uni and moved home to study for his Phd in London after 3 years away. It took a while to adjust, but just because he is back home does not mean to say that I will cook, clean or iron for him. He has learnt to be independent and that's the way I'm keeping it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLuka Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 i couldn't imagine living with my parents again. and honestly, i don't think they could imagine me living with them again. haha it is funny how now that i'm almost 23 i look back and see many of the fights i had with my parents were so petty and stupid. and that at the end of the day they really were right and just trying to help me become the person that i am today. i know this will just continue as i get older. sometimes i think kids forget to appreciate their parents and don't realize that they won't be there forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosemary Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 You have done an amazing job. Not many people can say they achieved what you have achieved as a single Mom. I don't think I would have been strong enough to cope, I have been pretty sheltered and protected my whole life, first by my father and then by my husband I only had the one child, and she towed the line, pretty much She says I was very strict - and I suppose I was to an extent, I have never been able to cope with bull...t. Kids are a blessing - and sometimes, not ......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Povodny Posted October 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 My friend has a sign which says "Being a Grandparent is the reward for not killing your kids when they were younger." I've told my two I can't wait to be a Grandparent so I can spoil the Grandkids rotten and hand them back hyper-active. My kids have told me it's the best contraceptive going. I do think when kids are at the Uni stage, if it can be afforded, they need to move away. Its a great maturation process and they have to rely on themselves for a change. My eldest is 25 and still at Uni and moved home to study for his Phd in London after 3 years away. It took a while to adjust, but just because he is back home does not mean to say that I will cook, clean or iron for him. He has learnt to be independent and that's the way I'm keeping it. To be fair, they do quite a lot in the house, I haven't washed clothes for anyone but myself for about four years, food preparation is shared, someone chooses what they cook for everyone, I rarely cook on a work night. Cleaning, if it needs doing someone sees it does and does it. Even food shopping, people pick things up if its needed an they're out. I've reached grandparent stage, my eldest who is 30 next year has a daughter 16 mths and she and her partner live four an a half hours away in Salisbury. I don't get to see her too often so when I do she is thoroughly spoiled. This is where the dog reference comes in. When I go to visit, the dogs are left behind under the supervision and care of my other children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollys_mum Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 Lol! I was having a very similar conversation at school the other day with a couple of colleagues. I do wonder if the 'coddled' aspect, which has somehow crept into the invisible (and illusive) Parents' Handbook over the last 10/15 years, has something to do with teenagers being more needy and in need of parental support. :SIt isn't just financial, that's for sure. When I was in my late teens (late 1980s), there was an expectation via the whole of society that as a young adult, you made your own way in the world, even if your opportunities were less than what either you or your parents wished for. I left home one month after my 17th birthday with a desire to work for a while, have my own space without the watchful gaze of my mum and dad nagging me about my b/f choices, and to eat what I wanted, whenever I wanted. I think Social Services might question my upbringing if I were 17 now and wanting to live that sort of lifestyle. Whatever the root causes in this societal shift, there is definitely an emphasis these days on keeping hold of your child's childhood for longer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollys_mum Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 My friend has a sign which says "Being a Grandparent is the reward for not killing your kids when they were younger." I've told my two I can't wait to be a Grandparent so I can spoil the Grandkids rotten and hand them back hyper-active. My kids have told me it's the best contraceptive going. I do think when kids are at the Uni stage, if it can be afforded, they need to move away. Its a great maturation process and they have to rely on themselves for a change. My eldest is 25 and still at Uni and moved home to study for his Phd in London after 3 years away. It took a while to adjust, but just because he is back home does not mean to say that I will cook, clean or iron for him. He has learnt to be independent and that's the way I'm keeping it. My mother - in -law has a sign on her fridge which reads: 'Live long enough to be a problem to your children.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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