I hate this!

[HuskyMom09]

I apologize in advance but I need to blow off this steam. As most of you have read in my other posts I lost one of my fur-babies yesterday. Since then I have been on an emotional roller-coaster. I know, I know, it's normal.....But my face is raw from the tears now and that doesn't show signs of stopping....I randomly start crying and my heart sinks out of what seems like nowhere. Then I get mad and of course more tears. I'm physically and emotionally tired but I can't seem to sleep. I have a migraine and feel sick to my stomach. I'm mad at myself, at life, at everything. I keep reliving the things I regret, like not being there with him when he passed away, not having that moment to tell him its ok and that I love him and goodbye for now....all I keep thinking is WHY!?! Why did this have to happen!?! I know they don't live forever but I never expected it to be Timber first....I was so unprepared for this! My world has been dumped upside down and I don't know how to get my feet back under me.

[Rosemary]

Lani, I know it is not easy, but give yourself this time to grieve, you need to work through it at your pace - and the world will still be there when you are ready to face it head on.

Don't beat yourself up with 'what ifs' or 'I should haves" you will drive yourself crazy. I have been there too, so know how difficult we can make it for ourselves, just because we loved them so much.

Hugs girl, take it easy on yourself

[Sarah]

you need time to grieve hun - it's not easy to go through something like this

I agree with Rosemary, don't beat yourself up hun xxxxx

[HuskyMom09]

I understand needing the time to grieve....I was feeling like I'm bottling up everything. My husband seems like its just back to 'business as usual', my friends want to go out and do things like nothing even happened, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and when I do talk about it I get the feeling I'm being judged for 'dwelling' on it. But I can't even function. I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time, I fear people at work asking about what happened or trying to console me because I know I'll turn into a blubbering baby. I skipped my work meeting last night for that very fear.

[Removed #2]

I totally understand and can tell you, the people that I worked with when I lost my Stormy girl did not get it at all. She was "just a dog" and I would say under my breath, you have no idea. She was the 3rd dog in 5 years that I held while she slipped away to the Rainbow Bridge, and I tear up just typing about it. You are not crazy and it will get better, and you are fortunate to have the others there, because they understand. If I were you, everytime I started to feel like crap I'd get 3 or 4 to gather round and just have one big husky hug. They know something is not right, and you probably see it. What I hated was coming home to the empty house. THus, the 3-pack we now have. I know she would have wanted it that way. Nothing I say now will probably make much difference, but time does heal, and memories stay with you forever.

[Devildust76]

I understand needing the time to grieve....I was feeling like I'm bottling up everything. My husband seems like its just back to 'business as usual', my friends want to go out and do things like nothing even happened, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and when I do talk about it I get the feeling I'm being judged for 'dwelling' on it. But I can't even function. I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all the time, I fear people at work asking about what happened or trying to console me because I know I'll turn into a blubbering baby. I skipped my work meeting last night for that very fear.

Just reading your post made me well up I'm still very sad at losing both of our previous dogs within months of each other. There were days when I thought I wouldn't ever get over it and in some small way I guess I'm not. Don't let what other people may think of you let you stop the grieving process unless they've owned a dog they will never know how you feel. I had to take a couple of days off of work I was such a mess and didn't care what anyone else thought about it. You know you will always have people to speak to on here and a lot of us will have been through this. Take your time and remember all of the good times you had with him. Hugs. x

[Rosemary]

I have never understood how people can just pick up and move on after the death of a much loved pet, as if they were just a temporary distraction

I suppose when you open yourself up to love an animal the way most of us love our huskies and other animals, we will be hurt when they pass on, but that is what makes us human, and we should embrace it, as painful as it is. Life without them is just not the same, I know.

[simhauu]

I think it's because you had a strong bond with him. I can't relate to it as much yet, I've only lost hamsters, and I blamed myself for not being there when they died. When my rabbit died out of blue I blamed myself too that I didn't spend more time with her. When my dog ran away for the second time and parents didn't go look for him at shelter I was and still am very sad (he's a security dog now, step-father met him some years after that). You have every right to grieve, let it out.

I hope I don't make you more sad but have you said your good bye to Timber yet? To get off your chest most of the grief saying to the sky, to his favourite spot or somewhere else what you didn't have time to say. And, please don't think crazy of me, but I didn't get to say good bye to my grandfather who loved me dearly, and one night, I don't know how long it was after he passed away, I had a dream about him walking away.

Could it be that unconsciously you are afraid to sleep because if you wake up you will know that that is the reality?

[Removed #5]

I can only echo what others have said, we who love our friends in fur have as much need to grieve their loss as we do when a human relative passes. If the others around you don't understand that then that's their problem.

Over the years I've lost way to many and there are still times that I'll turn around and see Lady laying at my feet, or Blondie bowing for play ... it hurts because they're not here but I do have the memories of all these friends to keep me company till we meet again 'over the bridge'.

If you have to go out and set at a car park overlooking a mountain and cry your eyes out and scream, then do it! If someone asks if you're crazy you can honestly say 'Yes!' with the loss of a dear friend.

[Elyse]

I felt the same when I lost my budgie, Pepi, years ago. I wasn't there when he died. I still miss him a bit, but the pain has mostly subsided...I mostly have happy memories now.

[HuskyMom09]

Thank you all, though reading most of your comments makes me well up I do realize you all are right. This is normal grief for a loved one, one I loved very much. [MENTION=6960]simhauu[/MENTION], I don't think that's crazy at all. A few days after my grandfather had passed I had a dream I woke up in my room at their house, I looked out into their kitchen and he was sitting at the table almost in a glow, he turned and looked at me smiled and then disappeared. I think that was him saying goodbye. But you're right I haven't said my goodbye to my boy. And he was MY boy, as much as I was his person. I don't think I'll be able to until his cremains are returned to us. It's then that I plan we'll have our moment for him. Until then I don't think it's finalized in my heart. Beyond that I will be taking the advise of another friend to write him a letter to put in his urn.

I also realized my husband is grieving too, just in his own way. He may not have the random crying attacks like I do, but he's not just cruising through this like he appears on the outside. He called for Timber earlier today without thinking about it. When he realized what he'd done we both had a good cry. It breaks my heart not having him greet me in the morning when we let the kennels loose into the yard, at night when I kennel them up for the night, feeding time having one less bowl....I spent some extra time at dinner tonight while picking up bowls to just hug and kiss each of my fur-kids...if anything this has taught me to appreciate every single moment because you really don't know when it will be your last with them.

[Osinn11]

Thank you all, though reading most of your comments makes me well up I do realize you all are right. This is normal grief for a loved one, one I loved very much. @simhauu, I don't think that's crazy at all. A few days after my grandfather had passed I had a dream I woke up in my room at their house, I looked out into their kitchen and he was sitting at the table almost in a glow, he turned and looked at me smiled and then disappeared. I think that was him saying goodbye. But you're right I haven't said my goodbye to my boy. And he was MY boy, as much as I was his person. I don't think I'll be able to until his cremains are returned to us. It's then that I plan we'll have our moment for him. Until then I don't think it's finalized in my heart. Beyond that I will be taking the advise of another friend to write him a letter to put in his urn.

I also realized my husband is grieving too, just in his own way. He may not have the random crying attacks like I do, but he's not just cruising through this like he appears on the outside. He called for Timber earlier today without thinking about it. When he realized what he'd done we both had a good cry. It breaks my heart not having him greet me in the morning when we let the kennels loose into the yard, at night when I kennel them up for the night, feeding time having one less bowl....I spent some extra time at dinner tonight while picking up bowls to just hug and kiss each of my fur-kids...if anything this has taught me to appreciate every single moment because you really don't know when it will be your last with them.

might have to have a cry with ya. After loosing a beloved fur-baby...one of the hardest parts I think is the loss of the routine. I don't know how many times I've made one too many dishes of food or called for one of my "kids" after they are gone. We are all here for you....and are all good listeners. Hugs from our family to yours.

[sutsibe]

Hugs, Lani... Things do get easier, as new routines take the place of old ones. Look for him, at odd moments. There are times I swear my Rainbow Bridge pack gathers around to give me hugs and kisses - I will always miss them, but I believe that they watch over me...

[Tanya-Meika&Keeva]

We lost our Meika back in July. For weeks afterwards i could not stop crying. The day of her passing kept replaying over in my mind. I could not sleep properly most nights as my dreams had her in them. During the day was the feeling of something missing. I can tell you that it does get better. I recently had a lady do a picture for me of her that we have framed and hung in our lounge room so that she will always be with us.

[Tala]

What people don't realise is that a dog is not just a dog, it becomes a part of the family so when they pass it's not just as simple as moving on, getting another pet and carrying on as though it's passed, you have to mourn the loss of a loved one. Through the years memories are made, good times are spent and even the little squabbles when they have their moments of petulance. It really is like having a child. It's brilliant you have fellow friends on here to help you through even if it's just to have a rant. As others have said you need to grieve, but more importantly remember the good times and the good life you gave him.

[Emma]

So sorry Lani. You've got every right to feel this way, at the end of the day it's a loss of life: human or animal is irrelevant, a life is a life. I had to have my baby boy cat pts in the summer (he was 19 years old but still my baby). I still have flashbacks of his last moments regularly playing out in my head that I just can't control. Ever heard of someone screaming without any sound coming out? That was me on that day in the vets.

Things do get easier over time but it's funny how it's always the little things that get to you the most. Picking up and removing his food bowl, grocery shopping and automatically stopping in the pet section without thinking, I could go on forever but I think you know what I mean.

All I can really say to you is that as the weeks have gone by, the tears have mostly dried up and there are increasingly longer periods of time between me thinking and remembering. Like the others have said before me, this is just part of the natural grief process. It's still very early days right now for you both, the pain is still very raw and unbelievably strong. However, gradually bit by bit, your heart and mind will start to heal. It will just take some time. remember we're all here for you if you need an outlet for all your pent up feelings.

[HuskyMom09]

Thank you all, I feel a little less crazy seeing so many posts that describe exactly what I'm experiencing. I finally got some sleep last night, not nearly enough but I'll take what I can get today. So far I haven't felt like I'm going to burst into tears, but one step at a time.

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

oh Lani that bit about you husband made me cry.

Men grieve in different ways.

Its different situation of course but way back before angel when we tried to home another female and it went wrong (some old ones may remember) Alex didnt say goodbye to her. He couldnt without getting upset and didnt want anyone to see him upset.

Men hate showing their emotions as it makes them look weak.

hugs n love xx

[HuskyMom09]

oh Lani that bit about you husband made me cry.

Men grieve in different ways.

Its different situation of course but way back before angel when we tried to home another female and it went wrong (some old ones may remember) Alex didnt say goodbye to her. He couldnt without getting upset and didnt want anyone to see him upset.

Men hate showing their emotions as it makes them look weak.

hugs n love xx

He's holding onto a lot of guilt. He was at work when it happened and he really didn't even say goodbye to Timber when he left for work. He would give anything to have a do-over. I feel guilty for going to bed instead of sitting with Timber just a while longer. We're both feeling a lot of regrets, guilt, and overall loss. I know we shouldn't dwell on things we can't change but this is too much.

[Niki]

How I wish I could take your pain away...like everyone else here, I know how it feels, but it feels so helpless when someone else is going through it. I do congratulate you on bringing it HERE, where people understand. Letting it out may not seem like it helps now, but at least voices who understand and can counteract the unfeelingness of others may make you feel less alone.

Everyone has said what I would--as far as most men are concerned, they are "fixers". When they experience something they can't fix, they have a hard time dealing with it. Some get angry, some reject whatever it is or seem unemotional, some dive into physical activity or work. It's good you know he's grieving in his own way and not just ignoring it; you both need support, even tho' men don't accept it well!

Others don't understand, we all know that. To some of us, our dogs are the children we never had, or for the older among us, the children we don't have any more. The bond is just as strong as losing a loved one, never forget that.

They don't live long enough, dammit, so when we get a dog we know we will have to face the pain of loss. As far as I'm concerned, the pain is a small price to pay for so many years with such a wonderful creature, but that doesn't help when the pain is HERE.

There is only one thing I can say: May your grief pass soonest and be replaced by all the wonderful memories instead.

[vicky4484]

How I wish I could take your pain away...like everyone else here, I know how it feels, but it feels so helpless when someone else is going through it. I do congratulate you on bringing it HERE, where people understand. Letting it out may not seem like it helps now, but at least voices who understand and can counteract the unfeelingness of others may make you feel less alone.

Everyone has said what I would--as far as most men are concerned, they are "fixers". When they experience something they can't fix, they have a hard time dealing with it. Some get angry, some reject whatever it is or seem unemotional, some dive into physical activity or work. It's good you know he's grieving in his own way and not just ignoring it; you both need support, even tho' men don't accept it well!

Others don't understand, we all know that. To some of us, our dogs are the children we never had, or for the older among us, the children we don't have any more. The bond is just as strong as losing a loved one, never forget that.

They don't live long enough, dammit, so when we get a dog we know we will have to face the pain of loss. As far as I'm concerned, the pain is a small price to pay for so many years with such a wonderful creature, but that doesn't help when the pain is HERE.

There is only one thing I can say: May your grief pass soonest and be replaced by all the wonderful memories instead.

This is lovely x

[HuskyMom09]

[MENTION=8823]Niki[/MENTION], what you wrote is beautiful. Thank you, and ring more true than you may know. Today hasn't been too rough, I finally was able to sleep last night and work has thankfully been busy enough that I haven't had much time to sit and dwell on things. I fear tonight might be a different story though. Tonight my husband works the night shift and I'll be home alone with my thoughts...He was my baby, my fur-kid, and losing him has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to endure. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, thank you to all the wonderful fellow dog parents here

To everyone else that replied, thank you for letting me vent and not judging and helping me through such a difficult time. For those of you who may not know Timber's story we rescued him from a breeding operation (a horrific one) and a couple years ago we were blessed to have found what we believe to be a Timber son. A piece of me smiles to know that even though Timber left us, his son still romps and plays with the pack.

[Leyka&Diva]

nothing really to add but just wanted to send some:grouphug: xx

[Niki]

Thanx, guys; if it gave any small comfort at all, I'm grateful. I DO know, believe me; I've never willingly been without a dog. I've always said "a cat is a luxury, but a DOG is a necessity!" We lost two littermates once (not huskies, not "my" dogs, but I ended up with them because my husband rejected his for being too dumb and we had to take the other one away from his son, who was teasing it) within six months of each other--and neither went "easy" (I'll leave it at that!). It tore me apart; my own dog had died some time before, and Rocky and Idaho had been "my" dogs for years. So I immediately scoured the Bay Area for anything with shephard and/or husky in it, and found a litter of husky/shephards over at the Berkeley shelter. I raced right over, and named the dog as I was going over the Richmond-San Rafael bridge: "Keine trane mehr", which is German for "no more tears".

I was on the floor trying to pick a pup, and there was this little red one who kept jumping in my lap. I was trying to evaluate each pup, so kept putting her back down and she kept bouncing back on me like some kind of ball. I figured she'd picked me, so took her home. We had Kiya (as we shortened her name to) for 14 years...the longest we've ever managed has been 14, and that with almost all our dogs. Both Jim and I have agreed she was the best dog we ever had or will have--you know, one of those "special" ones, I'll bet like your fur-baby.

I may have mentioned I sleep outside, in what we all my "Outback"...it's one of those canvas pavillion things with a double bed inside (and "dog bed" of the same height right next to it), which I cover with a plastic tarp in Winter. Haven't slept indoors at home for about ten years now, since one hot Summer night when I escaped to the back yard and discovered how wonderful it was. So my dogs and I sleep out there year round, and Kiya had ALWAYS slept back-to-back with me. When I went to sleep, I always said quietly, "Dog at my back, all's right with my world".

I was lucky in that our vet was pretty special...with the prior two (and my own before that) we'd had heavy vet expenses, and he was willing to let us pay them off over time, plus just being a really special guy. I've always hated taking a dog or cat (despite what I said about cats, we DID have as many as eight rescues at one time) into the vet's to be put down, and to do it to Kiya was just something I couldn't bear. I was going to try and find a vet who'd come to our home to do it, and Rob volunteered. So he came to the Outback, where Kiya was laying, and quietly walked her over the rainbow bridge himself. I was so grateful...of all our dogs, it was right that she especially would go that way.

So you see, I do know. Would tell you about the only dog I've had who was exclusively "my" dog (after I moved from home, before Jim and I got together), but I'm a rambler (if you hadn't noticed!) so I'll stop now.

Just never doubt, Mom, that we HERE know what you're going through, so in a way, you're not going through it alone. There are souls all over the world who are grieving with you in their own small ways, and we're all sending you our love. Hang onto it to help you through however it can, post your feelings here as much as you can, and keep busy...that does help, even if just a little.

Thinking of you,

Niki

Edited October 25, 2012 by Niki

[HuskyMom09]

Last night was hard, I couldn't bare turning out the light so I slept with the light on. Being alone was hard, I woke up in tears a few times so I know there's still more to go. I've decided that next spring we'll be getting a Japanese Maple tree to plant in the dog yard special for Timber. This tree has the most vibrant fall color I have ever seen and will be a good tribute to the most vibrant soul I have had the pleasure of sharing my life with. My husband is having a memorial stone made for my rose garden as well. He will always be a memory, just want it to not hurt so much and be able to remember the good times without crying.