I hate this!

[tracey8]

Lani you will have those wonderful memories without the hurt it just takes time and i know that because i have been in that place where you are right now.

cry as much as you want it is a process ,firstly you cry constantly ,then you can go maybe a few hours without the pain in your heart and as time goes by the pain gets a little less painful but i promise you that you will be able to think of timber with a smile on your face without the pain,they have a piece of heart that holds them close forever and nothing will ever be able to take that away from us.

sending lots of love and prayers your way

Tracey and my pack.xx

[Mazz]

I lost my father in 1985. It was a blessing as he was suffering. As far as tears, I did not shed any. My mom, bless her, passed away in 2003. She was the shining light of our family. As far as tears, I did not shed any. Elke, our first Husky, lived to be almost 15. She passed on an early June morning of 2008. As far as tears, I filled buckets. I still often think of Elke, and my eyes well up. Time does heal the wound, but thankfully, the scar will remain to always remind you of Timber.

Edited October 25, 2012 by Mazz
Unable to spell correctly, STILL!

[Niki]

Mazz, same for me. Sometimes the grief we have can't be "spilled"--either because it's too great or because the only grief we actually have is at the loss of a parent, etc., we SHOULD HAVE HAD...then it all comes out when we lose someone/some precious pet. It was that way for me. My dad died far away and we were never close, I didn't cry; my mother's death was a relief, I didn't cry; when my half-brother died, I was bereft--and same for beloved pets. It's weird that way.

Mom, is there another one of your pack you can take to sleep with you? It looks like you have many, unless those are memories. If by chance you only HAD Timber; GET A PUP, as soon as possible. Been there with friends who say "nothing could fill the gap", or "I'm going to wait". In a couple of inistances (one particularly of a special internet friend), I (or we in that case) pushed them and pushed them; when they finally gave in and got another dog, it really DID help the pain. Nothing will take it away, only time will lessen it, but having something there to focus on CAN give you longer times between tears and make the grieving go faster. Just a suggestion.

Just keep posting; you know we're all here for you.

[HuskyMom09]

Mazz, same for me. Sometimes the grief we have can't be "spilled"--either because it's too great or because the only grief we actually have is at the loss of a parent, etc., we SHOULD HAVE HAD...then it all comes out when we lose someone/some precious pet. It was that way for me. My dad died far away and we were never close, I didn't cry; my mother's death was a relief, I didn't cry; when my half-brother died, I was bereft--and same for beloved pets. It's weird that way.

Mom, is there another one of your pack you can take to sleep with you? It looks like you have many, unless those are memories. If by chance you only HAD Timber; GET A PUP, as soon as possible. Been there with friends who say "nothing could fill the gap", or "I'm going to wait". In a couple of inistances (one particularly of a special internet friend), I (or we in that case) pushed them and pushed them; when they finally gave in and got another dog, it really DID help the pain. Nothing will take it away, only time will lessen it, but having something there to focus on CAN give you longer times between tears and make the grieving go faster. Just a suggestion.

Just keep posting; you know we're all here for you.

I had thought about getting a pup, but I might wait. There will never be another Timber for me, there will be and are others that share my life but never another Timber. His loss shrunk the pack to 10, so I'm in good grieving company. I've been occupying my time biking/carting with my Siberians, one is out showing still, playing with my puppy girls (5mo sisters), and mostly just loving each one as much as I can...because I have learned the hard way when it's time it's time and there is no way to make up for lost time. I should bring my big guy Rockie in, he was Timber's kennel mate and would be a good cuddle buddy. That might be the plan tonight if he's not too soaked and muddy from all the rain.

[Niki]

Sorry--silly me, by now I AM familiar enough with you to remember the photos of your guys on the trail in the other thread, so if I'd thought about it, I'd have remembered you are FAR from alone! Even having missed the link to your kennel--I'm still reeeel new here, so don't have a handle on names, etc. Anyway, recognizing you have a whole "family" of furries, that might help explain why others don't understand your pain. There's got to be some of "you have so many, why would the death of one affect you so intensely?" going on. I know there's sometimes even a BIT of that with people who lose children, so that may be part of their insensitivity. Just don't talk to "them" if you can avoid it until you feel more in control, because all they'll do is make you feel WORSE, not better, and they mean no harm. Keep talking to "us" and others who DO understand.

At any rate, DID you take Rockie in? A cuddle buddy can be helpful, and if you're like me, you could even talk to HIM about your feelings--Dogs are great listeners! Sending good wishes...

[HuskyMom09]

Sorry--silly me, by now I AM familiar enough with you to remember the photos of your guys on the trail in the other thread, so if I'd thought about it, I'd have remembered you are FAR from alone! Even having missed the link to your kennel--I'm still reeeel new here, so don't have a handle on names, etc. Anyway, recognizing you have a whole "family" of furries, that might help explain why others don't understand your pain. There's got to be some of "you have so many, why would the death of one affect you so intensely?" going on. I know there's sometimes even a BIT of that with people who lose children, so that may be part of their insensitivity. Just don't talk to "them" if you can avoid it until you feel more in control, because all they'll do is make you feel WORSE, not better, and they mean no harm. Keep talking to "us" and others who DO understand.

At any rate, DID you take Rockie in? A cuddle buddy can be helpful, and if you're like me, you could even talk to HIM about your feelings--Dogs are great listeners! Sending good wishes...

I was too beat to bring Rockie in last night and I kinda regret that. But it was in attempt to get some quality sleep (ha! right!) since I had to be up early for work and I'm off to Vancouver after work tonight (6hr drive) to pick up my Denali this weekend...my sleep was disrupted anyway when the pack let out the most bone chilling mournful howl last night, Rockie started it and the rest joined in. I think they were mourning since usually they only howl when the sheriff runs through the area with sirens going or when the coyotes start whoopin it up and neither was the case last night.

[Rosemary]

Bless them Lani - they are probably sending him a message

[Erinc]

Time is a great healer! I am so sorry for your loss, and of course it isn't something thats going to put a smile on your face. Rest assured that with more days that pass the easier it will be for you. Timber will never be forgotten, but he wouldn't want to upset you either. My deepest condolences and bestest wishes for you and your family!

[HuskyMom09]

It still really hasn't sank in that he's really gone. Maybe it took the pack a while to realize it as well. Last night, for me, was at least busy enough that I was able to not think about it until it was time to shut off and go to sleep, still can't sleep with the lights off....but this morning as I got ready I caught myself playing the 'what if' and 'did I miss something' game....how did I not see how sick he was? Did I just not want to see it? Was it not there to see? I can't think straight most of the time and feel empty inside my soul. When I don't feel that I am just angry. I just keep playing everything over and over in my mind. What was it that I overlooked? I mean my pet sitter called to tell me Timber was acting mopey and didn't eat all of his food, but when I got home he was his normal self again. We all thought he was depressed it was the longest both my husband and I had been away from him. Especially since he seemed to improve once we got home. But then I wonder was he laying around more than he usually would? Was he not as perky as his normal self? Was he grouchier with the puppies than he was before? Should I have taken him in just to be checked after the initial worry? I don't know, and that makes me feel guilty. I wish I would have been able to do something, to change the outcome. Everyone says he's in a better place and it was his time to go...but I wasn't ready for him to leave me. Not yet and not this way.

[Niki]

Damn. I lost my post! Don't you hate that?? I see it say "auto saved" as I type, but don't know where it saves stuff, so I'll just try and do it over.

I hadn't realized Timber's death was a sudden thing; do you know why he died? It explains why you're SO tortured; when we know their time is coming, we have the chance to grieve before they leave us. The sudden ones are the worst.

I have no doubt whatsoever that the pack was mourning...it's quite possible they didn't realize he was gone until they didn't see him for a few days. The fact that Rockie started it makes me sure that they were grieving, there would have been a special bond between him and Timber. Animals mourn, we know that. Unfortunately for us, most of the time they move on far faster than we do.

Hon, "what ifs" do no good and are bad for you, you know that. I know you can't stop them coming, all you can do is try not to let them STAY. I think every time a dog leaves us we can't avoid thinking maybe there was SOMETHING we could have done, it's just natural. But you described the situation well and I believe you did everything right from what you could see. When we love something (be it dog, cat or child), we always have to weigh those "should I take him to the vet/doctor?" questions many times. If we gave in every time there was even a HINT of something wrong, we'd end up broke! I've done it, worried about something, made the decision to take him to the vet and found out it was nothing--and there went perhaps tomorrow night's dinner. It's worth it sometimes just to put our mind at ease, but in Timber's case, I don't see there was anything to seriously worry you.

The circumstances and that his brother's name is Rockie has triggered something for me which I haven't talked about to many, and I'd like to share it.

Do NOT read further if you think it will upset you!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We had a Rocky too--one of the two "not mine" dogs. He was a keeshound/weimerauner cross, smart as a whip--too smart for his own good in some ways because it made him think too much and be skittish of the unknown sometimes. He was a trash hound, so we were very careful to keep the lid on the garbage can tight. This happened some twenty years ago, but yeah, it still hurts. Tears coming as I write this. Rocky was actually a really lucky dog; he had epilepsy and had suffered injuries he shouldn't have survived from being hit by a car a few years earlier, and he made it to 14.

One time I cooked a big dinner, and there were eight chicken skins in the trash...he got into it and ate them. Pertonitis. I spent the night in a room at the emergency vet with him, praying he would live and feeling hideously guilty (even tho' it was Jim who didn't tighten the lid--he's got a problem with closing doors and stuff, and was the reason Rocks got hit by a car earlier, but I never blamed him, I didn't have the same expectations of him as of myself--bet you know how that goes). Rocky made it through the night, and I transferred him to our regular vet at the time. Jim and I went to work and worried all day, called the vet a couple of times and he was okay, and as soon as we got home we were headed to pick him up. Only we found a PHONE MESSAGE telling us he'd died (what vet in their right mind leaves such a PHONE MESSAGE?!?!). Needless to say, I changed vets immediately.

His heart had given out, the battle had just been too much for him. Like you, I went through the "what ifs", why hadn't I stayed with him that day so I could at least be with him when he passed? Why had I trusted that vet? Why hadn't I checked the lid on the trash, knowing what was in there? And on and on, just like you. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The difference is, I HAD REASON to think maybe I should have done something differently, you didn't, not from what you saw. Sometimes even when we're ultra-careful, something beyond our control happens, and sometimes even medical attention won't change the inevitable.

Like I said, we can't stop the what ifs from coming around, all we can do is TRY not to let them stay. It won't help much, but bear in mind that there are millions of dogs who never get the kind of love Timber did, and we don't all get blessed with a Timber...or a Kiya. If our Rocky hadn't died when he did, I'd never have been blessed with 15 years of Kiya, so there was some serendipity at work there. I know there'll never be another Timber, but you were incredibly lucky to have him at all.

Do take Rockie in with you, I believe it WILL help, if only a little bit, and in a way it's a connection with Timber. You might try talking to Rockie when you're alone in bed, tell him how you feel and maybe you can grieve together. It would be a sweet thing to do for HIM as well, and there is no question in my mind that, as littermates, they're connected.

However it happens, they just don't live long enough, dammit. But then, if they lived as long as us, we wouldn't get the opportunity to love more than one, I guess, and each one is its own blessing. Take care of YOU, please, and keep venting; it's all we have to give, but it helps, even if just a little bit.

Edited to add: I was going to put up some pix of my guys and went to the "photo" forum, where I found Timber's story. I couldn't look at the pix, I had a friend in Illinois who busted such places and already know more than I ever wanted about such things. I'm SO glad you were able to rescue them, especially Timber, and being a buddhist, I believe Timber was your karma paying off for what you did; a special dog like that carries karma with him. I didn't realize you only had him for some four years...but omigawd, WHAT a lucky dog to have survived that and to have found the love he did with you! Sometimes we only get the gift of something that wonderful for a short time, but what a precious short time you had together. I'm both happy for you that you had him and sad that it was for such a short time, but I know he'll be with you always.

Edited October 27, 2012 by Niki

[HuskyMom09]

[MENTION=8823]Niki[/MENTION]- Yes Timber's passing was sudden, and near the end he even tricked me into believing he was getting better. The last time I checked his temperature I was pleased he had more fight in him and his temperature actually dropped. I was sure we made the corner to recovery, even though my gut said otherwise....then I came downstairs after hearing him paw at his water bucket to find him lifeless. The more I research and after talking to our vet (who we LOVE, he's a great vet) we're sure it was a tumor that had burst....we opted not to disturb his body any further by performing a necropsy. I figured he'd gone through enough in his lifetime. I will say that since his cremains have been returned it feels like a weight has been lifted from my heart and the tears don't flow quite so often...though when I took delivery of the urn there was no problem shedding tears. I couldn't be more pleased with how it turned out and how incredibly compassionate the entire Pet Memorial team was through the whole thing.

The pack is definitely in full acknowledgment that there is a void here. Rockie's mournful howls kept me up all night last night. He's so discontent inside though, it's too warm for him even with all the windows open I've spent some time with him outside between rain pours. I'm just hoping that we don't get any fights between members as we all heal and rebuild.

[Removed #2]

I could have sworn I responded, but maybe it was an earlier one. Like everyone else, I have had to let go of furbabies. I have been with each one to their last breath, and I honestly, each time wished they would have gone on their own at home, but they could not. I'm not sure why because the pain was unbearable, for both of us. What I can say to help though, is Timber is there with you, out with the pack. Don't be surprised if they act kind of weird sometimes...it's because they will see him. It's said that dogs and kids are more succeptible to spirits. When we got home after our last Husky, Stormy had to be pts, I looked out on the deck through my tears and she was there. Young, healthy, and happy, just for a second, and then she was gone. I see her on occasion, in the yard, and in the house, and sometimes I think when Jessy is singing to "herself" she is in fact singing to Stormy. The only way we were able to heal our pain was to bring more huskies into our home, huskies that needed a good home. We had to stop at 3, but I don't think I'll ever stop. I do worry that at some point we will go before them and I worry who will take care of them. Hope you are feeling better.

[HuskyMom09]

[MENTION=2509]HuskyHijinx[/MENTION] I do feel a bit more at peace, thought I can't sleep with the lights off yet for some reason...maybe it's because it was the middle of the night when he went and I was in bed. A weight was lifted when he was brought home....but now Rockie mourns every night all night the most mournful howls I have ever heard. I think his heart is broken it makes me so sad to hear his howls for his missing kennel mate. We went and picked up a potential new member of the pack tonight, his name is Seal and we're giving him a 'test fit' with our pack. He belongs to my breeder, but he's been picked on for so long in her kennel she didn't feel it was a good home for him any more. We'll see if it works and if he can help us heal.