I Don't Want Kids, Damn It!!

[Elyse]

Okay. So:

 

I don't want kids. Partially because childbirth scares the living crap outta me, and partly because I don't think I'd be a good mother for a few personal reasons: such as I couldn't handle the pressure of raising a frickin' new person (baby) if I can't deal with the pressure of school.

 

But my Mom and Dad both said it would break their hearts if I didn't have any. I told them my brother can have the kids, but they said it isn't the same as having kids from your daughter.

 

I cannot see myself having a kid in 10 years (I'll be 31), not even close. And anything after 35 is too late - the risk of the baby developing things like down's syndrome and etc increases by like 10 times.

But I'll feel really guilty if I don't have kids because that's the one thing they've [my parents] really bugged me about, the only thing they've really wanted, and I'd feel like I would be letting them down...and it only makes it worse when I see them looking at other babies all smiley and stuff - they'd make excellent grandparents.

 

Then, I wondered "when I'm old and grey...will I regret not having kids?" I wouldn't have any grandchildren as a result, and being a big family person (raised to put family first), that would really hurt.

 

So I said I might have one and ONLY one, but then my brother piped up and said: "But being a lonely child would suck! I can't imagine a life without you!" (d'awww)

 

Sigh. This sucks. I mean, you only have one chance at life...and if you mess something up or make the wrong decision ruled by fear or whatever, you're screwed.

 

I heard a puppy is similar to a kid and that young couples sometimes 'practice' for a kid by raising a puppy?

 

I feel really conflicted. I'm used to somebody ordering me around growing up (big brother, parents, etc), I feel like I can't handle a decision this big!

 

Okay, I'm done. If you got this far, thanks for sticking with me...

 

 

EDIT: And I thought posting this would make me feel better. It doesn't really...

[Mobezilla]

I don't want kids either. My moms the same way. I told her she already has two grandchildren, Cloud and Yuki. And thats all shes getting. 

[stormchaser09]

to be honest I felt much the same when I was younger, but by the time I had settled down with my hubby and got our house sorted my biological clock kicked in big time. I was 34 when I had my first and 37 when the second one put in an appearance. I have several friends who were 40+ and all their kids have been fine. BUT it is YOUR life and if you really don't ever want kids then it is your decision and yours alone.Your parents need to respect your choice. ( at the end of the day not everyone who wants kids can actually have them for a variety of reasons) It is a huge responsibility and at times very tough but I would not change my decision to have my boys for anything.

[Mia-Blue]

I have 3 little darlings 14, 13 & 8.... and much prefer the dog!!

Lol only joking, my kids are my world, not only do I have my 3 I am an auntie to 4 more......but I only had them when I felt ready, and thats everyones right in life, whether you have none or 10!!

The only thing a child needs from a parent is love, consistency, patience and lots of time, all the things that will come naturally if you are in a good place and ready for the big change that they will bring into your life. Your child's smile is the most precious gift in the world!

 

I work with children and families and see too many damaged children who are brought into the world without thought, and the result is damaged children and parents......and trying to fix that mess is not usually possible, but is often a cycle which isn't broken by the children, they have often been brought up without love so go on to have a child at such a young age to feel love, but then are unable to give it as they do not know how, is often so sad and has had me in tears many nights

 

You may never know when the time is right for you, and it may never be, but the gift of children which we are given is a gift which has to be re-paid to the child with unconditional love regardless of the child's needs or abilities, no child asks to be born, but deserves to be loved and cared for <3

[Devildust76]

Okay. So:

 

I don't want kids. Partially because childbirth scares the living crap outta me, and partly because I don't think I'd be a good mother for a few personal reasons: such as I couldn't handle the pressure of raising a frickin' new person (baby) if I can't deal with the pressure of school.

 

But my Mom and Dad both said it would break their hearts if I didn't have any. I told them my brother can have the kids, but they said it isn't the same as having kids from your daughter.

 

I cannot see myself having a kid in 10 years (I'll be 31), not even close. And anything after 35 is too late - the risk of the baby developing things like down's syndrome and etc increases by like 10 times.

But I'll feel really guilty if I don't have kids because that's the one thing they've [my parents] really bugged me about, the only thing they've really wanted, and I'd feel like I would be letting them down...and it only makes it worse when I see them looking at other babies all smiley and stuff - they'd make excellent grandparents.

 

Then, I wondered "when I'm old and grey...will I regret not having kids?" I wouldn't have any grandchildren as a result, and being a big family person (raised to put family first), that would really hurt.

 

So I said I might have one and ONLY one, but then my brother piped up and said: "But being a lonely child would suck! I can't imagine a life without you!" (d'awww)

 

Sigh. This sucks. I mean, you only have one chance at life...and if you mess something up or make the wrong decision ruled by fear or whatever, you're screwed.

 

I heard a puppy is similar to a kid and that young couples sometimes 'practice' for a kid by raising a puppy?

 

I feel really conflicted. I'm used to somebody ordering me around growing up (big brother, parents, etc), I feel like I can't handle a decision this big!

 

Okay, I'm done. If you got this far, thanks for sticking with me...

 

 

EDIT: And I thought posting this would make me feel better. It doesn't really...

Awwww Elyse you can't tell how you might feel in a few years time. At the moment you don't want them but as you get older these things change. Speaking personally I have always wanted kid/kids and it has taken some years for the OH to feel the same way and now we are going through our adoption process. Everyone feels differently about having children and you shouldn't feel guilted into it no matter how much you love and respect your parents. I agree that raising a puppy is akin to having a young child but social services would frown upon using the crate method of training where kids are concerned I'm sure

[Povodny]

My daughter had her first at about the same age I had my fourth lol. I don't know what it's like not to be responsible for someone else's well being. I've spent 12 yrs as a single parent and just at the point I gained some freedom, I added four huskies lol

[Keanu]

Elyse, your life is your life and ONLY yours. Most of mums and dads in the world want their kids to have their kids so they can play roles of grandparrents, but this is what they want, and they are separate from you. Their life is not your life. And if they really love you (and I believe they do!!) they would not like anything that could cause you suffering.

I would take it with a smile and a joke, however CLEARLY stated that I am not going to have kids whether they like it or not.

If you ever change your mind in your life time this is entirely up to you. Nobody will live YOUR life. this your business. having kids is not an obligatory!

 

I felt like you for ages, I even escaped to another country to live the life that I wanted myself. Just an accident I met my other half in my thirties and we wanted babies. My "old" friends would never believe that I become a mum LOL

 

Do not feel guilty to live your own life in your own skin.

[Jakeo]

Yeah I'm not having kids either. Never wanted em. My mom always said "ooh but when you get older you'll change your mind" or "yeeah but once you get married you'll change your mind". Well, I'm older and only a few months away from being married, and I still can't stand the idea lol. My mother is constantly guilt-tripping me about it... but I will not allow anyone other than myself (or maaaybe my OH) to make such a life changing, important decision. It sucks for her, but it's my life! My OH and I share the same opinion on kids, so I don't see his mind changing any time soon either.

 

I don't like babies. I don't like teenagers either. They have this short period of being slightly cute between there, but still fairly annoying. And I couldn't handle it if I ended up having one of those terrible kids because I failed at parenting. My (to-be) sister-in-law has 2 small kids and every family get together is a reminder of why I'm not having any lol. She's a great parent too!

[BingBlaze n Skyla]

It's your life n your body your parents would have to accept your choice, don't have a child to please them , you'll resent them for it n the child would suffer, u never know u might change your mind one day but u should never do something just to please others

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

I originally never wanted them either.

However, i do wish id waited (i had my first at 18)

With the wrong person. Ended up on my own with a behaviourally difficult child. He still is difficult at 12 years old. And i sometimes regret having him which makes me feel bad

And yes having a pup is similar.to having a baby. Except babies were nappies, dont have needle sharp teeth and.dont chew your.stuff till theyre older

[Mia-Blue]

I originally never wanted them either.

However, i do wish id waited (i had my first at 18)

With the wrong person. Ended up on my own with a behaviourally difficult child. He still is difficult at 12 years old. And i sometimes regret having him which makes me feel bad

And yes having a pup is similar.to having a baby. Except babies were nappies, dont have needle sharp teeth and.dont chew your.stuff till theyre older

its a sad reality that many children grow up to have behavioural difficlties as a result of an unsettled early childhood But with love and understanding they can come through it, but as a parent of a child who is believed to have Aspergers, I know only too well the heartache that these problems can cause for us parents and their siblings. Unfortunatley it is often the children of the parents who are not proactive in seeking support who go on to have children whose behaviour spirals in early adulthood, and then it is often too late to make the changes needed to turn them around

Having a child is the hardest job in life and once you are committed there is no going back, its often unrelenting, and kids know how to hit us when we are down.......but as I said before my kids are my whole life and i would not be without them

 until you are ready for that commitment the time is not right for you to make it, do not be pressurised into making it by anyone else, because you are the one you will have a lifetime of care to provide, just ask your own mum, no matter how old you are being a parent is a lifelong job xx

 

and some babies do bite!!! lol

[RedJasper]

I originally never wanted them either.

However, i do wish id waited (i had my first at 18)

With the wrong person. Ended up on my own with a behaviourally difficult child. He still is difficult at 12 years old. And i sometimes regret having him which makes me feel bad

And yes having a pup is similar.to having a baby. Except babies were nappies, dont have needle sharp teeth and.dont chew your.stuff till theyre older

I always loved kids.  I had my daughter when I was 17 and was a single parent pretty much the whole time.  She is now almost 19.  We struggled a lot.  She was very difficult and had several psychological disorders.  She is still difficult but things have improved since she realized that trying to control herself is easier then listening to mom yell.  I  love her with my whole heart but would not like to re-live all the issues and problems.  I much rather would have a house full of pups to raise.

[RedJasper]

Elyse hunny it is your body.  My almost 19 year old is scared to death of the pain as well and told me she does not want kids.  She is my only child and there for I will not have the chance to be a grandmother.  I am okay with that.  I think it is selfish of your family or friends to expect to do this for their happiness.  You do what you want.  I figure I have friends that have small kids so my life won't lack the need for having biological grandchildren.  Your parents should respect your decisions.  To be honest you are not the only one to fear the pain...that is why I only had one.  Good luck girlie hopefully your fur-kids are a great substitute for grand-kids.  They are cheaper too.

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

its a sad reality that many children grow up to have behavioural difficlties as a result of an unsettled early childhood But with love and understanding they can come through it, but as a parent of a child who is believed to have Aspergers, I know only too well the heartache that these problems can cause for us parents and their siblings. Unfortunatley it is often the children of the parents who are not proactive in seeking support who go on to have children whose behaviour spirals in early adulthood, and then it is often too late to make the changes needed to turn them around

Having a child is the hardest job in life and once you are committed there is no going back, its often unrelenting, and kids know how to hit us when we are down.......but as I said before my kids are my whole life and i would not be without them

until you are ready for that commitment the time is not right for you to make it, do not be pressurised into making it by anyone else, because you are the one you will have a lifetime of care to provide, just ask your own mum, no matter how old you are being a parent is a lifelong job xx

and some babies do bite!!! lol

unfourtunately u cannot control others. His dad left me when he was one and a half.

I did my best on my own and it was hard

No doctor sees what i do. They believe hes normal. He isnt but he behaves at doctors etc and fools them.

[Mia-Blue]

We cannot control others, just be there for our babies when they need us to help them through the inconsistentcy caused by absent or irregular parents

My advice to you would be to shout as loud ad you can, no one knows your child better than you, and if it doesnt feel right then it probably isnt :-( you say you have spoken to the doctor, who else have you expressed your concerns with?

[Julieanne]

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids. Like others have said it's a life long commitment.

After all where do you think your adult child will turn if they can't find a job or can't afford to pay the bills. These days it's not unusual for 23 year olds to still live with their parents.

 

If you think of everything your parents have done and the security they gave you, could you give that to someone else?

 

If you feel used to having someone tell you what to do and be the one under authority then maybe one of the main reason's is that your still young and haven't gotten to that point in life yet.

 

Right now, I can't see myself ever having children though I do love being around them and getting to see them experience everything you did at one stage.

I've met children who have annoyed me though I've met others who are looking for authority figures and someone to look up to and being able to help them develop their interests and talents I find very rewarding. 

Sorry I'm no help, lol.

[Bambi92]

I felt the same way and sort of still do but at the same time I'm happy and over excited and can't wait for our baby boy to be born (I'm only 20 and I'm currently 20wks pregnant) I always said if I'm going to have a child I'm going to have it before I'm 25 and I only want one where my OH wants more then one but I said to him I'm going to find it hard with this one and hope I can control my depression and anxiety issues. And I don't have my family to help me my mum is in one state 14hrs away and dad is on the other side of Australia.

As everyone else has said it is your life no one else's you'll be with the child 24/7 no one else if your not ready or want to have the child it'll affect the way you are with the child and how you raise it (that's my belief anyway)

It's entirely your choice what you choose family and friends should support you either way

Good luck with what ever you choose

[Applebear]

I see you giving a lot of reasons to have kids, but really none are coming from yourself. It's your choice. Not theirs. Period. Our species is not at risk of dying out any time soon, there are no obligations to reproduce unless you feel a desire to. Many, if not most, do....but not all. I told my mom I didn't want children and wanted a hysterectomy at age 12. Then when I was early 20s, and married...ex [note, ex] wanted kids. And I tried, for HIM. Thankfully I was defected and couldn't get pregnant, because deep down...I wasn't doing it for ME. I don't really want kids when I break it down. I'm 36 now, and that hasn't changed. I got a hysterectomy when I was 35, last August in fact. 

 

Point is, this isn't your families choice and they aren't going to stop loving you if you don't have kids. If you decide to have them later in life, and don't want the risks to it then, there's always adoption. It's your life, live it the way you want...with or without, there is no wrong choice. 

[Keeonah]

unfourtunately u cannot control others. His dad left me when he was one and a half.

I did my best on my own and it was hard

No doctor sees what i do. They believe hes normal. He isnt but he behaves at doctors etc and fools them.

I have a grandson like that Louise, he has really bad behavioral problems and goes to a special speech and therapy school but he is gradually getting better so I know what you are going through.

 

Elyse, it is your life your body you must do what you want when you want. Whatever you do please do not run your life to suit others. I spent most of my life tyring to please my father and it doesn't matter what I do or how I do it it's never right. We have now had a major bust up and, although it's bad to say it, life is so much better without him bugging me all the time. Unfortunately he is now bugging my daughter but she has blatantly told him it's my life not hers and he should speak to me. Live your life the way it leads you. If others love you they will understand.

 

Gary.

[Stormy]

It is up to you not your parents and they should respect your wishes

[a7xAda]

I never wanted kids myself. Said that from when I was 10 years old. Couldn't fathom the though of raising another lifeform. Hell, I have Bipolar 1 disorder, I cannot manage myself without my meds (i'm unbearable!) and I worried about passing that on to kids. Then there was the fear of the pain.

 

I met my husband when I was 20. We got close and you know when a man loves a woman.....well next thing you know I was pregnant. Scared to death. I'm like oh god, I can't do this.

 

I learned a lot through that experience. Getting pregnant when you don't want kids sucks. Its sucks even more when you lose that baby and realize how much you actually wanted it.

 

When I had my first baby, I wanted to do everything natural. About 18 hours in, im like OH GOD GIVE ME DRUGS!! The drugs were very nice. And I don't know how I knew, but that mother instinct kicks in. I can't explain it, but something happens the first time you hold your child. All sorts of knowledge about being a mother is just all of a sudden there. I had questions still of course, but my kids survived me so I did something right lol.

 

I can't tell you what decision is right, I can tell you that it is your body and its your choice. Whether you choose to have kids or not, that is your decision and no-one else's and that being said, don't ever feel guilty about a life choice you made for yourself. You know what is best for you.

 

And sorry for the life details, I figured I would give you some perspective from someone who never wanted kids and got them anyways lol

[DuramaxDiesel]

I have a friend who is in the same boat with you. She also tells me that I don't need to have kids because she doesn't want to have to deal with them. She also refuses to marry the guy she's been with for 8 years...

 

And as being a person who was also in the same boat...I changed my mind 3 years ago...and can't get pregnant. I went through life saying I hated kids and was never going to have any. Now, my husband and I want a family...and can't.

 

I can't say that you will change your mind, and can't tell you that you should. It is your body, your life, and ultimately, your decision. Whichever one you make will be the one for you.

 

Don't let other people try to talk you into it.

[Elyse]

Thanks for replying everyone, you're all awesome!

 

My family has a history of heart disease, as well as mental illness (bipolar, etc) which is also why I probably wouldn't want kids...wouldn't want to pass that crap onto them!

 

I know its ultimately my decision, and I won't let anybody force/persuade/guilt me into it. But part of me wonders what if I make the wrong choice and I regret it later when I can no longer have kids? My brother's probably going to have kids before I do, so maybe I can babysit them to see if I can handle it? Kind of like how you foster a dog before you adopt it.

 

Gah - I guess the reason why I'm so indecisive is because I haven't found myself as person...haven't "grown into myself" yet.

[CARRINGTON]

I am personally scared to have kids. I am a type 1 diabetic and I have been since I was 2. That is 19 years!!!! So there are so many risk factors and you have to have extremely tight control as well which with my insane schedule that seems almost impossible

[Stormy]

I never wanted kids always used to say it all the time which upset my mum, she also wants me to have a kid even though she has 4 other perfectly good children that could also do it lol I am the oldest so guess she wanted me to be first!! 

 

Anyway i keep getting broody at times lately its real strange! I dont want to have one right now as it isn't the right time but i have decided that i do want children now but probably only one or two max!