Final Straw, No More Treating Me Like A Total Mug.

[Emma]

So bloomin angry right now, I can't see clearly coz i'm crying with anger.  so much anger and hurt.  Double standards from my own parents!  over and over for years has finally taken the pi** and tipped me over.

Lets start right back at the beginning, in 2001 I got my first dog Brooke, my mother hates dogs with a passion and has given me no end of grief over the years for it.  When I got Bear she stopped coming over and made odd comments like "shame she wasn't run over" (oh yes, she really is a huge bit**) when I got Ice, things got even worse, all  down my facebook wall over any picture I post of my furry babies, she comments on how horrible they are. My mother has bi-polar but this is no bloomin exscuse for this behaviour.  I've suffered from depression myself but I've never acted so selfishly and without thought for others feelings.  My eldest son is on fb and can see comments she makes and this must hurt him but not nearly as much as the fact that all she ever talks about is her precious ruby (my neice) and how much she loves her and how wonderful she is.  Repeatedly. She never even mentions her grandsons (my children).  

We've had  really bad luck job wise over the last year but still I kept and fed and cared for my family, furry and human.  I had to ask my dad to help for a couple of months with the mortgage.  The first month he did but then he turned around and told me "if you can afford to feed your dogs then you can afford to pay your own bloody mortgage", to which I smiled politely and said "yes, that's fine, don't worry dad we'll be ok"  This was a lie, but I had to respect his decision he's my dad and entitled to his own opinion.  What I really wanted to say was "you can't help me with my mortgage but you can afford to buy a house for my sister to live in, whatever."  I wouldn't mind if my sister tried as hard as I do to support her own family but all she's interested in is running up huge debts she has no intention of paying and worrying about where her next party or raving holiday is coming from!  Things like food and electric, just don't compute with her.

And now I have imploded and the reason as always is dog related.  I have just seen that my sister is moving into a house that they are buying her but that she can't take her dog with her (my sister is a terrible dog owner so this will be a good thing in the long run).  However the reason she can't take her dog is because they looked after it for her whilst she was working (yes, the dog haters LOOKED AFTER HER DOG) and because my sister never trained her she broke a glass panel in the door from being too bouncy and underexcercised.  And now for the icing on the cake THEY ARE GOING TO BUY HER A LOVELY LITTLE FLUFFY DOG, SOMETHING SMALL LIKE A KING CHARLES AND WHEN SHE'S OUT WORKING THEY WILL TAKE IT TO THEIR HOUSE AND LOOK AFTER IT!!! 

 

DOUBLE STANDARDS MUCH?!!  I've tolerated so much from them over the years, my husband is always shaking his head and commenting over how they treat my sister like a princess but me completely differently and i'm embarrased and so hurt, I don't know why they can't love me?  My sister has adhd and caused so much trouble over the years, you name it and she's done it and I'm just me.  Stupidly taking whatever they throw at me and biting my tongue, time and again.   WEll not anymore. 

[Kells xx]

omg emma thats awful

i hope you get things sorted and you end up appy

[loops]

having lost a brother I hate family feuds but In this instance I cant blame you for feeling the way you do. sorry I have no advice and no in depth knowledge of adhd but I been to the gym and have broad shoulders! x

[Asslinn]

Omg this sounds awful.. I can't offer much in terms of advice only that I know a little about ADHD and the effects it has/had on my family, 1 brother and sister have it. I think may son might have it as well but doctors won't do anything yet because of his age, but maybe your parents treat you like they do because they know you won't talk back and will bite your tongue plus you're the well behaved, stable one. But what they are doing is totally unacceptable. I wish you the best of luck, fingers are crossed that you can sort it out. Just a shame you can't choose family. 

[dogsruleok]

hope you don't mind me putting my opinion in Emma, you have your own family furry and human don't waste your energy on anyone else they are hurting you so much. to talk about your dogs in that way is unforgivable, I have family I hate with a passion and I don't care who knows it I would choose my dog over any human every time. you know the saying you cant choose your family well just let them get on with it, hope your o.k.

[Devildust76]

Awwww Em's Really sorry to hear this. You know we are here if you need a rant. And I think you sound like you've taken as much as you can from them for the time being. Maybe some time not interacting with them will make them realise you've not been the problem all of this time. Hope you can come to a solution that makes you happy

[Emma]

Thanks.  To be honest there's nothing I can do to make them change as it's all been said before and they seriously don't see themselves as being unreasonable.  They turn it back on to me saying I am being childish and to stop complaining.  Another example of what I mean is this.......my mother rants and raves about what an ungrateful bi*** I am because I haven't called her for so long and tells my dad how much I'm upsetting her.  I get a call from dad having a go at me about how I don't call my mother and perhaps I could try picking up the phone sometimes and make an effort. I  replied to dad that perhaps the phone line works both ways and perhaps she should try calling me.  He was shocked "oh, doesn't she?"  and changed the subject, no apology. The reality is she has a telephone too and yet never calls me and I mean never, but I do occasionally call her just not as much as she expects me too.  Yet she's on the phone to my baby sister every day.  I'm supposed to run around after her whenever she chooses like a good little girl and keep her happy at all times but noone else apparantly has to do this.  Where's the compromise or fairness exactly?  I work and have a family to support, on mothers day I'd like to spend the day with my children but I can't because she'd go mad if I wasn't over there showering her with gifts and attention.  So I sacrifice my mothers day and get no recognition at all, it's just a given that I must do it.  I'm not after a medal or anything silly but an acknowledgement or thanks for the effort I make would be nice, rather than the ear bashing for all I've done wrong to her. 

On the good side, I've finally blocked her from facebook, so she can't touch me there, but right now I don't want to speak to them or see them.  They've pushed me too far this time.  And believe me it takes  A LOT to tip me over this bad. 

Edited July 8, 2013 by emma1979

[Austinville]

Hold your head up, do your best and step away.

 

The best advice I've ever been given was when someone told me that no one can hurt me without my permission. Once I understood this, my life changed. People can do what they want, treat me how they chose and it makes no difference in my life because I no longer allow their opinions to hurt me. It's just some a$$-wipe that makes silly comments. It's not easy, but once yo deny them permission to cause you pain, they honestly cannot hurt you any longer.

 

Things that my MIL says still 'smart' sometimes. But she can no longer make me feel like a loser! My kids, my husband, my grandkids and my two Sibes, are what makes my world go 'round. I don't need her approval to make my life good. You don't either!

 

It's not easy, but once that permission is refused, it's just like some a$$-wipe on FB making a stupid comment. It seriously doesn't matter. You are doing what you can....don't ever give up. Keep fighting for your home and family, but don't ever let them get you down. You know what kind of person YOU are....no one else matters!!!!

 

Best wishes and hugs from one who understands!

[dogsruleok]

just because they are family doesn't mean you have to like them sounds to me that its them that have the problems like a lack of personality for a start, try to stay positive cut contact with them till you feel ready to talk again. you get slated anyway whatever you do so focus on the good things in your life, although this is a horrible situation it seems to me they are jealous of you and your family. try not to get so bitter that it affects your health as this is what happened to me.

[BingBlaze n Skyla]

Big hugs hun wish I had some advice for u but all I can offer is a shoulder should u need it x

[goingsolo]

Aww sweetie, a big hug from here ♡ . My parents are in battle with one of my nieces (well her oh) and keep trying to drag everyone in. Saying no to your parents is hard as they teach you to obey them from an early age but give yourself permission too believe me it us so liberating. Your sister is an adult until. They see that it won't improve but you have proven you can do it. Here if yih need to scream x

[Jay]

sounds like a difficult situation.  I agree that taking a step back and worry about yourself instead of trying to please them, which no matter how much you try, it doesnt seem like they will be happy.  Awful to have double standards like that, so obvious!  It will probably take some time, step back and write a letter or something that way you can get it off your chest without being interrupted.  

 

Hope it gets better for you!

[mydiamond]

Aww Emma it sure sounds like you've done more than enough I believe you already have problems of your own that stressed you up.. this extra burden is totally not worth it. You are too good to be treated like this. You don't have to come on Mother's Day if you don't want to. IMO it is much better to show her that you are not happy with her attitude than putting on a forced smile for nothing at all in return  

[love4Luna]

WOW. Really scary, I could have written this post myself! Only exception is that my sister has slight Asperger syndrome. She is the princess, paid vacations, entire college paid for, etc. What about me? "Well Amber, you're married. You should support yourself. You are 21 years old, time to step up" Yes, well that was 7 years ago. Never have had help. My sister however, now 25 still has mom and dad pay for things. Then she has the audacity to tell me how to manage my money better to up my savings.

And the whole animal thing... Yep. I have 3 dogs, 1 cat, and 1 bird. Even when it was just one dog, I always got crap for it. My sister gets pets, everyone is over there and posting on Facebook about their fur grand babies. Never once are my real children ever mentioned.

Sorry so long. But I guess in short, what I'm trying to say is I TOTALLY KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. ITS NOT RIGHT, AND IT HURTS.

[jmscott]

I had the exact same problem and eventually I had to settle it the same way. I blocked my mother, changed my phone number and she is no longer a part of my life. This website has really helped me come to terms with my decision. http://www.controllingparents.com/

[Andy]

All I can give you is.

[winterchillz]

Big hugs hun wish I had some advice for u but all I can offer is a shoulder should u need it x

 

This

 

I have a similar story with my dad's mother and my aunt (dad's sister). I used to be quite a crazy head during my teenage years, getting flesh piercing, tattoos, drinking, listening to "crazy", as they used to say, music etc etc. Throughout that whole time they just kept on telling me that being like that is savage and so on, calling me names and stuff.

 

Something else that really pissed them off was the fact that my mum is unemployed for quite a while now and during this period I'm the one taking care of my family as only I can afford it. I'm still getting "feedback" on that as how my family is sucking out my paycheck and so on, which seriously drives me nuts.

 

On my b'day last week I got yet another tattoo and I was still called savage for keep on "painting myself"

 

Be strong, Emma

[Sarah]

Oh hun that's not right at all maybe pull yourself away for a month or two and enjoy your life, don't worry about them x x x x

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[Emma]

Thank you for letting me get this out of my system somewhere.  I appreciate that a dog forum may seem an unlikely place for problems such as this but in all honestly I trust and listen to your opinions more than I do my own families and yes I do know that's not how it should be, but that's the truth plain and simple.

 Thank you Jaimie for that link, I have looked at it and to be honest I feel a bit gobsmacked because if you were to ask me if I had controlling parents I would say "no, they are very strict but not controlling".  However I indentified with every single point bar one from the top 3 checklists.  That's a staggering 29/30.  So now, I don't really know what to think.  I would say though that a lot of their parenting skills come from their own backgrounds, they were both treated very strictly and therefore so were we, more so me as I was the first child and therefore the 'learning curve' or 'experiment' if you like.  I bore the brunt of things and my sister got it easy in comparison, which kind of started this whole double standards thing.  But the odd thing is I don't dislike my sister at all for it, in fact I know our parents play us off of each other.  Even though they treat us so differently, she still gets told  "why can't you be more like your sister?" which then leads to her resenting me and thinking she's the black sheep of the family, when in reality I'm always a constant disappointment to them, starting right back when I refused to go to university and err....after a few too many booze fuelled nights with my then boyfriend who is now my husband, I ended up.... um.....pregnant.  (lets not go down that path, if you've read what they said about Bear and how they treated me, try taking those behaviours and words and multiplying them by 10.  You'll be close to the truth of what happened.)  I think maybe that's what's at the root of all this, in their minds they could see my potential academically and had all these plans for me but I failed to deliver this graduate daughter who was climbing the ranks of the social class ladder and earning shed loads of money.  I cheated them of this daughter and instead gave them one they couldn't respect.  Nothing matters more to them than money.  Money is power and power is everything.  Amen.   

But that's not all they are, they do have their good points too.  I'm not very well and haven't been for 10 years now.  Basically there's something wrong with my stomach.  I regularly feel incredibly nauseous, to the point where my body involuntarily starts shaking in response.   I struggle to move, can't face drinking even a sip of water and nothing the dr's give me controls it.  It usually happens when I wake up or go to bed and lasts for hours sometimes all day or night.  Usually get an attack like this 2-4 times per week.  If I get a cold, it usually ends up going to my stomach and I spend 24 hours being sick because of it.   I have had to care for a newborn and an infant school child, whilst holding down a part-time job and trying to deal with this problem which back was worse as it was happening every day.  They have helped me in their own way then.  Dad picked up my eldest from school a few times, and offered me the use of his private health care plan which I was covered under, for an initial consultation.  However my GP refused to transfer me over, so it didn't happen but my GP did finally refer me to the nhs specialists earlier this year, who so far haven't found anything but hey ho.  The point I'm making is that sometimes in their own way, they do help.  It's  just that every offer of help has to come with a list of terms and conditions that leaves me thinking that I'm better off doing things alone. 

Sorry to go on like this.  I feel quite selfish talking like this and I promise I'll stop soon.   I'm aware that there are bigger problems in this world to worry about this and I probably have no right to bang on about this when at the end of the day we're all alive and living in a fairly safe country with access to things some people in third world countries do not.  I know there's a heirachy of priorities and this is most certainly not at the top of the list, but right now and to me,  it's pretty damn close. 

[*jax*]

Having been frowned upon most of my life i do appreciate where you are coming from. I have learned in my long life that i will never get the approval of my family and actually to get that approval i would have to become someone i wouldn't like. So self acceptance and a thick skin have led to a more contented life. I lost my Mum last year and it affected me really badly and i have been left with some unresolved issues. But having said that I do know she loved me and everything she did she believed was in my best interests. Hope you can find some peace with your family but don't let it eat you up xxx

[jmscott]

The list of resources and links is also really good. I've spent hours browsing the website.

[Sarah]

Do what's right for you hun if that means having a time out take one and reassess your relationship with them x

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[Austinville]

Most importantly - forgive them. Not for their peace of mind, but for yours. You don't have to forget - and probably won't, but allow your heart and soul to heal by forgiving them. Then, step back and live your life!