I Need Advice..

[musicalxheart]

I may not be the most active member on this site, but I do love coming on here and seeing all the wonderful huskies and people when I have the time, and I definitely enjoy reading about all the fun adventures that members have on here. I really hope to be more active one day and share more about mine and my family's life with Keira, and someday I hope to attend camp and meet some of you!  

 

But just as things were starting to calm down this summer and we were starting to become less busy, tragedy struck.. On the 19th last week my husbands step-dad turned 50, and on the 26th this week he passed away. We are still unsure of what exactly happened, but I think he was on life support from when the ambulance arrived at their house to get him until the hospital where he passed away. It all just feels so surreal, and he was like a father to me. My biological dad is not in my life anymore, and he was never really there for me emotionally, so my step-father-in-law filled that void and was the perfect father figure for me. He also treated my husband and his brother like they were his own, he doesn't have any biological children, but regardless we were his kids. He also walked me down the aisle when my husband and I got married. And he loved mine and my husbands son with all his heart and soul. And I really dread taking him to the visitation and funeral home for the actual service.. I don't even know how to explain to my 3 year old son that his Poppy isn't going to be here anymore.. How do you explain the finality of it all to a young child? Every time I even start to think of explaining this and trying to answer his questions of "Where's Poppy?" when we are over at his MeMe & Poppy's house.. Earlier we were over there and he started asking that and I started tearing up, because I know he won't fully understand or understand at all.. People keep telling me that he will understand more than I think, which can be true, he is a very bright child and is so very sweet. I don't like dealing with loss, and I hate it that my son has to lose his Poppy so suddenly.. They were so close and they adored each other. 

 

I just need to know what others would or possibly have told their young kids about the loss of a loved one, especially if your child was very close to that person.. Because I'm struggling, I'm starting to tear up and cry just writing all of this out, but my husband and I are just at a loss for words and don't even know how to go about explaining this... Any help is greatly appreciated..

[Val (Zebedee)]

I personally haven't had to tell a child of that age that someone they love has passed away, but from talking with friends, they tell the child that this person has gone to a new place, that they still love them very much & they are a star in the sky that they can talk to whenever they want to. Dependant on what you believe, you can say they have gone to Heaven & they will see them again one day. You can say they will always watch over the child.

 

A friend lost her Mum last year when her daughter was 2 years old. My friend told her young daughter that whenever her Nana is near, she will find a white feather - I cannot tell you the number of white feathers they find in some strange random places (in the house, out for a meal) but it keeps the youngster remembering Nana in a positive way & they talk about her all the time.

[Mia-Blue]

I echo what Val says with the feathers, its a,lovely way to remember a loved one and helps bring a smile to the faces of the adults during a very difficult time.

Last year my best friends dad passed away leaving my friend having to tell her two children ages 8 and 3 at the time that they would not be able to see their grandad again:(

She was clear in letting them know he had died and used very clear words to avoid confusion to prevent them thinking he could return at a later time. She told the children he died as part if his body stopped working and because he was old the doctors couldn't make him better. Be careful with this bit as you don't want your son to worry that other people around him might die also. Give him lots of reassurance, but don't hide your emotions from him, he need to know being sad is a natural part of grieving.

My friend has as Val says pointed out the bright star in the sky and tells her children its grandads spirit watching over them. During remembering occasions, birthdays, Christmas etc they release balloons for grandad into the sky to let him join in the celebrations.

I cannot imagine how you are feeling at the moment, but my thoughts are with you and your family xx

[musicalxheart]

I personally haven't had to tell a child of that age that someone they love has passed away, but from talking with friends, they tell the child that this person has gone to a new place, that they still love them very much & they are a star in the sky that they can talk to whenever they want to. Dependant on what you believe, you can say they have gone to Heaven & they will see them again one day. You can say they will always watch over the child.

 

A friend lost her Mum last year when her daughter was 2 years old. My friend told her young daughter that whenever her Nana is near, she will find a white feather - I cannot tell you the number of white feathers they find in some strange random places (in the house, out for a meal) but it keeps the youngster remembering Nana in a positive way & they talk about her all the time.

 

I'm not very religious, I have no idea of what I really believe.. But most of our families and friends are.. I'm very respectful of other religious views, and I'm trying to come up with something that will please everyone and isn't a lie. I think we are going to take him to the visitation and funeral service.. I'm not sure if it will be traumatic or scary for him or not.. Or even if he'll remember.. I'm just so torn and I don't want to deny him the right to see his Poppy one last time.. I would actually feel like a horrible person and mother for not taking him. Earlier today when we went to see my mother-in-law, he asked where Poppy was.. I started tearing up instantly because the reality of it is really starting to hit now that the shock is starting to wear off.. He asked if he was still sleeping at the hospital.. I just about lost it when he asked that.. I do like the thing about the stars in the sky.. I just don't know.. All of this is just a very hard situation..

[musicalxheart]

I echo what Val says with the feathers, its a,lovely way to remember a loved one and helps bring a smile to the faces of the adults during a very difficult time.

Last year my best friends dad passed away leaving my friend having to tell her two children ages 8 and 3 at the time that they would not be able to see their grandad again:(

She was clear in letting them know he had died and used very clear words to avoid confusion to prevent them thinking he could return at a later time. She told the children he died as part if his body stopped working and because he was old the doctors couldn't make him better. Be careful with this bit as you don't want your son to worry that other people around him might die also. Give him lots of reassurance, but don't hide your emotions from him, he need to know being sad is a natural part of grieving.

My friend has as Val says pointed out the bright star in the sky and tells her children its grandads spirit watching over them. During remembering occasions, birthdays, Christmas etc they release balloons for grandad into the sky to let him join in the celebrations.

I cannot imagine how you are feeling at the moment, but my thoughts are with you and your family xx

 

Yes, we want to be as clear as possible so that our son won't be thinking that his Poppy will be able to come back at a later time.. But he's only 3 and I'm not sure he can fully understand the finality of it.. I don't expect him to, but I don't want to shelter him from this part of life.. Eventually he'll understand everything but for now I just want to keep it very simple like your friend did. I have cried in front of him and I just told him I was sad, but I was okay, I didn't tell him why yet.. We're waiting until the visitation.. Other family and friends have agreed that we should take him but we are all concerned that it might be traumatic for him.. I also really like the feather idea as well as the star idea too.. Also, thank you, he was a very loved and wonderful person, and he will be missed by all who have had the pleasure to know him. 

 

 

 

Thank you both for posting.. I will be on later, it's almost 5 in the morning here and I need to get some sleep... I have just been up all night worrying about how to tell my son about his Poppy and debating on what to say and whether or not to take him to the services and take him up to the casket and everything... It's just been very hard and draining.. 

 

Also, if anyone else has other advice on this, please share it here and I will be back sometime after I get some rest and I will try to reply to everyone..

Edited July 28, 2013 by musicalxheart

[sarahjng]

When my kids were little their great-great uncle died,  he was like a grandad to them and I too told them that he was the brightest star shining down and watching over them.  As to taking the little one to the funeral home, it's a personal choice, are you having an open casket ? It might confuse him to see grandad lying there after you've said he's a star up in heaven, three is a bit young for the whole " the body is just a shell " conversation.  Don't worry about what other people think, you and your husband need to do what is best for your boy, yourselves and his mum, have you tried asking her advice ?  Obviously you know her and I don't, but A lot of people feel better when they have a practical problem to focus on, something to think about besides the pain she's going through.

[goingsolo]

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of your loss and the pain you are all going through xxxx. My brother-in-law died at the same age, it was very hard for my niece who had a son of a similar age. He was told that grampy in heaven and a star. On the day of the funeral he was looked after by his other nana for the service but came to the wake, this allowed my niece to grieve and cry and my sister to cry without scaring him and his presence afterwards meant people could focus on something positive. It is hard I know, try to answer the questions honestly and maybe find a good photo for his room. xxxxx hope it helps, thoughts are with you and your family.

[Frenchie]

So sorry to hear about your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family in this terrible time.

I havn't been on the ''telling'' sign but I have been on the other side.. My step dad, whom I loved very very dearly, I spent all my time with him, passed away suddenly on Christmas day 2004, so I was 10 years old, although not as young, I was a child and I'll always remember the way I was told, my nan just told me he was Deceased, that word really hit hard, its hard to explain but I'll always remember the shock I felt when I heard it. So from personnal experience I would avoid such strong words with a child this young (Deceased, dead, death), personally I would tell them he has gone to a happy place, where he'll be watching over you, that he's sorry he couldn't say goodbye but someday you will see him again.

That is just my personnal opinion, but I can't tell you how to do this, its up to you, good luck and again sorry for your loss xx

Sent from my GT-I9000 using Tapatalk 2

[love4Luna]

I'm sorry about your loss.

I best advice in telling children is be be honest. Keep in mind their age too of course. Its best not to overly sugar coat it. It can make it appear as that you can change death or that they will/can come back. Saying things like they went to sleep can be super harmful. They can fear sleeping, thinking that if they fall asleep, they too will die.

I went through this just a year ago when my daughter's cousin/best friend died. She and my daughter were only 5 years old. It was difficult to try and explain to my daughter Cameron, that Jadyn was really sick and her body was tired. The doctors did everything they could to help her, but Jadyn wanted to go home to heaven.

My daughter Cameron is on the left. Jadyn is on the right.

[musicalxheart]

When my kids were little their great-great uncle died,  he was like a grandad to them and I too told them that he was the brightest star shining down and watching over them.  As to taking the little one to the funeral home, it's a personal choice, are you having an open casket ? It might confuse him to see grandad lying there after you've said he's a star up in heaven, three is a bit young for the whole " the body is just a shell " conversation.  Don't worry about what other people think, you and your husband need to do what is best for your boy, yourselves and his mum, have you tried asking her advice ?  Obviously you know her and I don't, but A lot of people feel better when they have a practical problem to focus on, something to think about besides the pain she's going through.

I believe it's going to be an open casket, I haven't asked. We were over at my mother-in-laws all evening from 5 pm to 10 pm today, we just got home a little while ago. But she wants to tell him at the visitation I believe.. We're all trying to come up with something to tell him since most of my husbands family and his step-dads family are religious and I'm not. They want to respect my beliefs (which, I honestly don't know what I believe), and I want to respect their beliefs as well.. We just want one thing we can all agree on to tell him so that he's not hearing a million different explanations.. I for sure want to explain to him that his Poppy is sorry he can't be here and that his love for him (my son) is never-ending (that was a special thing between my step-father-in-law and my mother-in-law, they always made a hand sign and it meant that their love for the other was never-ending, and they taught it to my son so he knows what that means. We can ask him "How much do you love me?" and he'll say, "I love you, never-ending!" It's so sweet). Anyway, we haven't asked my mother-in-law what she wants to do about taking him to the services and what to tell him.. She has been a wreck and has been so busy with arrangements and all her family and friends visiting her. We're trying to give her some space and let her do what she needs to for herself right now.. I think tomorrow we'll ask her what she thinks we need to do. I'll go with whatever she suggests.. I just want everyone to agree on this and not make a big deal about it. When he's older he'll understand the reasons of why he passed away, but for now I just want it to be simple like everyone on here has suggested.

 

 

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of your loss and the pain you are all going through xxxx. My brother-in-law died at the same age, it was very hard for my niece who had a son of a similar age. He was told that grampy in heaven and a star. On the day of the funeral he was looked after by his other nana for the service but came to the wake, this allowed my niece to grieve and cry and my sister to cry without scaring him and his presence afterwards meant people could focus on something positive. It is hard I know, try to answer the questions honestly and maybe find a good photo for his room. xxxxx hope it helps, thoughts are with you and your family.

Thank you, that means a lot! And I'm sorry about your brother-in-law too.. I'm not sure if we are going to just take him to the visitation or just the funeral service.. Or if we're taking him to both.. I just really want him to see him one last time... So I may see what my mother-in-law thinks, I think she wants us to bring him to the visitation at least. He'll be told all the stories of them together and there are so many pictures of my son with his Poppy, so there's no shortage of memories, and I'm so glad that everyone has so many pictures of them together. I'll definitely be getting some picture frames when we have the time to and make him a special one.. I would love to do a collage of them, I think it would be very special.

 

 

 

So sorry to hear about your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family in this terrible time.

I havn't been on the ''telling'' sign but I have been on the other side.. My step dad, whom I loved very very dearly, I spent all my time with him, passed away suddenly on Christmas day 2004, so I was 10 years old, although not as young, I was a child and I'll always remember the way I was told, my nan just told me he was Deceased, that word really hit hard, its hard to explain but I'll always remember the shock I felt when I heard it. So from personnal experience I would avoid such strong words with a child this young (Deceased, dead, death), personally I would tell them he has gone to a happy place, where he'll be watching over you, that he's sorry he couldn't say goodbye but someday you will see him again.

That is just my personnal opinion, but I can't tell you how to do this, its up to you, good luck and again sorry for your loss xx

Sent from my GT-I9000 using Tapatalk 2

I'm so sorry to hear that about your step-dad.. It hurts to lose family and friends that we are so close to.. But I couldn't imagine being a child and being told in such a blunt way. But we want to keep it simple and slightly sugarcoated but not to the extent where we confuse him and make him think that his Poppy can come back at another time.. Thank you for your response, and it means so much to me that everyone of you have replied to try and help.

 

 

I'm sorry about your loss.

I best advice in telling children is be be honest. Keep in mind their age too of course. Its best not to overly sugar coat it. It can make it appear as that you can change death or that they will/can come back. Saying things like they went to sleep can be super harmful. They can fear sleeping, thinking that if they fall asleep, they too will die.

I went through this just a year ago when my daughter's cousin/best friend died. She and my daughter were only 5 years old. It was difficult to try and explain to my daughter Cameron, that Jadyn was really sick and her body was tired. The doctors did everything they could to help her, but Jadyn wanted to go home to heaven.

My daughter Cameron is on the left. Jadyn is on the right.

.facebook_-220024324.jpg

Oh wow, I'm so, so sorry to hear that..  

 

And thank you, that means a lot..

 

I don't want to tell him that his Poppy is sleeping, and I don't want to tell him that he has gone away.. I should have also put in the original topic that my brother-in-law is about to leave in a week or so to move to North Dakota for Doctorate school so we don't want to say anything that might make him think that his uncle has passed away or gone to the same place as his Poppy has.

 

 

 

Thank you to everyone who has responded! I believe that I'm going to try and talk to my mother-in-law tomorrow if she is feeling okay enough to talk about what we need to do for the services, as well as what we need to tell my son about his Poppy.

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

im sorry for your loss.

i dont feel its appropriate for a 3 year old to see a dead person lying there to be honest. it could give him all sorts of nightmares. i wouldnt want to and im 31!

a child that young wont understand what the funeral means and it could be traumatic with all the crying people.

im sorry if it seems im being insensitive, i just speak what i feel.

ultimately its your child abd your choice. just dont feel that you have to take him if you feel its too much for him. your mother in law should understand. xx

[musicalxheart]

im sorry for your loss.

i dont feel its appropriate for a 3 year old to see a dead person lying there to be honest. it could give him all sorts of nightmares. i wouldnt want to and im 31!

a child that young wont understand what the funeral means and it could be traumatic with all the crying people.

im sorry if it seems im being insensitive, i just speak what i feel.

ultimately its your child abd your choice. just dont feel that you have to take him if you feel its too much for him. your mother in law should understand. xx

 

Thank you, that means a lot. 

 

Also, please don't worry about stepping on my toes. I'm VERY hard to offend. I value your honesty and I respect your opinion. And honestly, I don't like funerals either.. Mostly because they make me so sad, and it's hard saying goodbye to loved ones.. But at the same time it is a little eerie going up to a casket with your loved one in it.. I know for some kids it's not scary, and I was never traumatized as a child going to funerals but I can't say that mine won't be scared... This is just a tough situation and I'm so lost on what to do.. 

 

Also, if I may ask, what would you tell a child that young about a grandparent passing away? 

 

Thank you for posting and giving me your opinion.

[Storm Angel n Auroras Mum]

Thank you, that means a lot. 

 

Also, please don't worry about stepping on my toes. I'm VERY hard to offend. I value your honesty and I respect your opinion. And honestly, I don't like funerals either.. Mostly because they make me so sad, and it's hard saying goodbye to loved ones.. But at the same time it is a little eerie going up to a casket with your loved one in it.. I know for some kids it's not scary, and I was never traumatized as a child going to funerals but I can't say that mine won't be scared... This is just a tough situation and I'm so lost on what to do.. 

 

Also, if I may ask, what would you tell a child that young about a grandparent passing away? 

 

Thank you for posting and giving me your opinion.

Im not religious at all. I would simply tell them (mine are 6 and 12 years old btw) that the grandparent had been ill, or gotten sick really fast and died. That they died quickly and painfree and that they will always love them. Maybe that the brightest star in the sky is them looking down on them?

its difficult to know what to say coz i havent ever been in the position,

[musicalxheart]

Im not religious at all. I would simply tell them (mine are 6 and 12 years old btw) that the grandparent had been ill, or gotten sick really fast and died. That they died quickly and painfree and that they will always love them. Maybe that the brightest star in the sky is them looking down on them?

its difficult to know what to say coz i havent ever been in the position,

 

Thank you for your response! I know it's hard.. I have never explained a loss to a child ever, and I don't remember what my husbands family told our son about his great-great grandmother when she passed away, or what they told him about his great-grandfather that passed away. We lost both of them last year, but they had both been sick and in a nursing home for a while.. I think that my husbands family just told him that they went to Heaven or whatever. I'm not religious at all either, but my husband is (not as much as the rest of his family, but he still believes and reads his Bible and stuff).. I just don't know. I really, really like the idea of telling him that his Poppy is the brightest star in the sky shining down on him.. I think that's what my mom used to tell me about people in our family that passed away when I was really young.. I wish she was here to help me figure out what to say, I know she would have given me the best advice.. 

 

Anyway, thank you again for responding, I really do appreciate you trying to help.

[Mia-Blue]

As you like to star idea could you tell your son that God chooses very special people to be stars in the sky and then introduce the idea to him?

[elenamarie]

At three years old anything you say he'll probably not remember. He's probably going to be concerned or upset that all the people he loves are crying and sad, and wondering how his world is impacted. At age three they're still very self-centered.

 

When my children were younger, but not quite that young, I told them that Auntie Anne had gone to live with God and she would love them forever. My youngest, age 3, did not attend any of the services. My eldest, age 9, hid in the bathroom the entire time we spent at the viewing until I realized where she was and we left. She was afraid of seeing a dead body and several family members were pressuring her into going to the casket despite her telling them she didn't want to.

 

If you take your son to either service, do not allow other people to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do. I was very angry that people had done that to my daughter.

 

There's no right or wrong way to deal with your son and this painful, profound issue. You do the best you can. As long as your son knows he's safe, you're safe, and he's free to ask any question he might have, it'll all be okay.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss.