TarMac Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 Just a few I thought I would share; McDonnell Douglas Warranty Card The following questionnaire was posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site by an employee there (I doubt this very much!!!). Management made the web department take it down immediately. _____________________ Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ............................................... Initial: ........ Last Name................................................. Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name: ................................................ Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ............ 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [ ] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19... /.... /..... 4. Serial Number: ....................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [ ] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / maneuverability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilization / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word "absquatulation" has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours. Next one; After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit. Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order. Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed. Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level. Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for. Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right. Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search. Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed. Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget My favourite insurance claim; Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information for my insurance claim. In block number 3 of the accident claim form I wrote, "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain that statement more fully. I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth-floor level. Securing, the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 22 of the claim form that my weight is 150 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded up the side of the building at a very rapid rate of speed. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. By this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel then weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to the information in block number 22 regarding my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. This second encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it proceeded at a rapid decent down the side of the building, landing on and breaking both of my legs. I hope I have furnished information sufficient to explain why "trying to do the job alone" was the stated cause of the accident. Sincerely, A Bricklayer Note: Author unknown Cheers Colin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elyse Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 lol - these were hilarious! Obviously fake, as I've read them before but.... If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours. ROFL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keeonah Posted November 3, 2013 Report Share Posted November 3, 2013 PMSL. Tears are rolling. Gary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Marples Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike101 Posted November 11, 2013 Report Share Posted November 11, 2013 Loved the gripe sheet . The Bricklayer and the bricks...... you wouldn't believe how old that is... A college tutor played us a tape of the original guy who made it and that was over 40 years ago. The whole class was in hysterics. and it is still as funny today Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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