Question About Children

[Bambi92]

Hi all.

Random question and reason for asking.

-Are you an only child? If you are what was it like for you growing up with no siblings?

- did you want other siblings then or wish you had them now that your older?

For those with kids

- how many do you have?

- would you have only one child for any reason?

And for anyone

- what's your opinion on someone only having one child opposed to those with multiple children?

Reason for asking:

I have a son who's now 3months old I never wanted children in the first place as I was told I'd never have kids but was talking to my partner about it and decided to bite the bullet and we choose to have a baby I wouldn't change it for the world I love him and he's my world. While I was pregnant I was asked on multiple occasions if I was going to have another child and when I said I don't know I only really want one I got told it was unfair on the child not to have siblings and that I would be a bad mother for it (I was told that by an older female that I'd never met before and I politely told her to jump off a bridge and don't tell me I will be a bad mother when she doesn't know me). Now that I've had him its not that I don't want him to have a brother or sister it's the fact that I'm scared shitless (sorry if I can't say that) of the birth because of what happened with my son which I still have problems from and no one understands that I'm being hounded by my partners mother to have another one because it's not fair for my son not to have a brother or sister she's gone to the extent of trying to guilt trip me into it which isn't working. I'm constantly being judged for not wanting to have another child it's getting that bad that in 6months I'm moving states to get away from it all.

It makes me want to cry every time someone asks me because they make me feel bad for being scared to have another baby I know every pregnancy and birth is different but with the damage they caused doing what they did to me I don't want to try again because it will make it worse

What do I say to these people that ask when all that goes through my head when they ask is -don't cry and -I just want to tell them to mind there own business in not so nice terms how do I tell them to bugger off and leave me alone without being rude?

Thanks in advance for listening/reading my half a rant and for any advise and answers to the questions

[Smokey]

I'm an only child. I don't mind it...sometimes I wish I had siblings but the love-hate relationship I've seen between most siblings makes me cringe. I don't think it's unfair to not have siblings. My mom couldn't really have kids after me. She contracted HIV through blood transfusions nearly 30 years ago so...

I understand not wanting to have kids and I understand the pressure family can put forth on you. I don't want children ever and my husband and my family wants to. Makes me feel awful.

But

The truth is if you raise a child you never wanted it's unfair to that child. I'm sure you'd love him/her all the same. But you can't bring someone into this world because someone else wants you to. It's YOUR decision and yours alone...

[stormchaser09]

I think it comes down to personal choice and sometimes things don't work out as planned. Not everyone who wants a child is able to have one either. I have 2 and that was my choice but it came about after many years of waiting and hoping and being told it wouldn't happen by doctors.

My cousin has a gorgeous little boy but due to his wife having a very difficult birth they decided to stick at one as mum nearly didn't make it the first time. He is a lovely popular kids with lots of friends and mum and dad all to himself.

In some respects it a bit like raising a puppy, just make sure he meets and plays with lots of other kids for the social side.

I agree with others though It is your body and therefore your choice, as only you have to suffer what ever trauma you have been through with the birth of your son. On another note it is also very expensive having more than one.( not so much when they are tiny as you will have the pram cot etc but for any childcare, holidays school trips out of school activities and driving when they are even older )

Enjoy your little boy and ignore all the nagging, once he is running about they will have their hands full keeping up with the one.

[Elyse]

Do whatever you want, don't let others dictate your life....especially in these matters. My Mom waited for 2 years to have me after my brother, and my Nona (Dad's Mom) waited 9 years to have my uncle. 

 

My brother has said that life wouldn't be the same without me (his sister), and personally I couldn't imagine a life without him...but we're super close and have an awesome brother-sister relationship. Most sibling relationships, I've heard, aren't sunshine and roses. 
 

[Danny_Caity]

I have one brother, and he's 5 years younger than me. That wasn't accidental, my parents thought that'd be long enough so that we'd not have the same group of friends, not be into the same things and so wouldn't fight over toys and stuff like that. FAIL. We argued like crazy! Just as I got into my teenage years, he got into the years where he wanted company, he wanted to be around his big sister and I just wasn't interested. I feel awful now, because he's 13 now and we get on like a house on fire, but I was very cruel to him when we were both children. I would never have wanted to be an only child though, purely because I have serious anxiety problems and need to have people around. I shut myself up in my bedroom 24 hours a day as a child, but I needed to know Ethan (my brother) was in the next room or I couldn't settle.

 

I'm not interested in children, and I get the whole 'you're only 18, you'll change your mind, everyone wants kids!' But I just really don't. Children frighten me!

 

My best friend's mum only had one child, she got very ill when he had her, and the only thing that's different about her than me is she's got a stronger bond with her mother (only child to single parent, no surprise!) I don't think it matters as long as you give your children everything they need Don't be persuaded into having another child if you're not totally happy with the decision.

 

 - Caity

[Mia-Blue]

I'm the middle of 3 children and love having my siblings we got on great growing up and have great relationships as adults, I have a niece and 3 nephews who I adore also. Family is massive to me and really is the heart of everything.

I myself have 3 children, I always wanted more than one child as I wanted them to have a childhood similar to mine, with my siblings and cousins.

Now my eldest child, Kurtis is 15, he is a dream and has great relationships with both his sisters.

But the girls do not get on at all, we are currently having an attic conversion as they can no longer share a room! They argue non stop with the older one frequently physically and verbally attacking the younger one. Brooke has emotional and behavioural problems which are being assessed by CAMHS.

It breaks my heart to see my children argue so much and I've often wondered if having 3 was the right choice......

Whatever you chose, whether you have one child or 4 there are pros and cons. One child can be given your undivided attention, whereas as having 2 or more offers sibling relationships.

No matter what you decide you will always wonder what if? There will be situations where you Wil. think, if they were an only child things would be better (which for Brooke I do often) or you might think, if they had siblings family time might be more fun.

Its your choice and one only you and your husband can make. Your little boy is only 3 months old, I really think for now you should enjoy him, otherwise you may look back later and wonder where the time went!

When someone else asks if your planning on adding to your family just answer not now, we are just enjoying our son for now!!

[Sqwidge]

Jeez, he's only 3 months old can people not let you just get on with learning how to cope with one baby. This is the most all-consuming time for you and they're worried about when the next one will be? Tell them at the moment you're enjoying your newborn son and you're not even thinking about another one at the moment.

[mydiamond]

Laura it's your family. Nobody should tell you how to raise your family. Next time somebody tells you you're a bad parent because you choose to have only one child, feel free to ask them to back away (to put it nicely). It's really a personal preference and there's no real difference between growing up as an only child and growing up with siblings. I have a little brother and we're getting along just fine, but growing up with him was difficult. He constantly belittled me and made me believe I was a brainless person that can't do anything right. Ever since he started high school the bullying stopped and, like I said, we're getting along nicely but he can never take back what he told me. I'm still that unconfident, fearful little kid. Those who said not having a bro/sis is unfair obviously don't think it through. People assume if kids have another kid to talk to in the house it's better off for them, but there's a lot more than just that. 

 

Watch out though.. the stereotype for only children is "they must be spoiled rotten". 

[Removed #5]

I won't go into my past since it's hopefully not relevant; I'm an only child and because of incidences as I was growing up I've chosen to remain single - however, with that out of the way.

 

Whether you have one, two or twenty is a choice that is yours and your spouses - anyone who wants to tell you that you'd be a bad parent for having only on or, conversely, "aren't you ever going to stop?", in my opinion, doesn't deserve a respectful answer! They're way out of any degree of proper decorum - telling them in no uncertain terms to "butt out of my life!" is quite appropriate.

If you mutually, agree to have just one child, I'm sure it will be one of the most loved children around.  If you choose to have 20 then they'll never be alone - you pays your money and you make your choice - it's quite literally no ones business except yours!  I'm sorry that some of the ruder crowd have had to stick their arses in where it doesn't belong, but ignore them - they're fools (at best)!

[Bambi92]

Thanks for all the replies

I already get told he's spoilt rotten but I don't see how when I can't afford to spoil him how I want to as my partner isn't working at the moment and I'm paying for everything. I really don't understand why people feel the need to butt into my life all the time it's always happened ever since I was a kid I must have 'feel free to butt in' written on my forehead lol.

My OHs mother said to the sister in law that I wasn't looking after him properly and I shouldn't have him all because he had a little bit of fluff between his toes from his suit that he had on. My sister inlaw is awesome though she told her that he's well looked after and considering what my life is like I'm doing a damn good job of looking after him. She has just had her 5th child so my little man won't be alone and there's plenty of kids in my OHs side of the family for him to interact with.

If the birth of my son wasn't so traumatic for me and him I might think about having another but because it was I don't want to put myself or another child through what we went through I still think about what they did to me and Phoenix and I end up crying and wishing it didn't happen I could have beat the crap out of the dr for what they did to Phoenix and if I had another and the same thing happened I probably would hurt them for it.

Does my little man really look like he's not looked after properly?

Considering I didn't think I'd be a good mother at the end of my pregnancy I must be doing something right if he smiles and giggles at me every time I look at him

[ajg84116]

i would tell them to mind there own business. there are circumstances that change things on this issue and then ask them if they are going to pay for the child while you are pregnant and after it is born pay for the diapers if not tell them to go jump in a lake. it is not unfair to a child to have only one. if they say socialization they get that from school. if the school can teach them the true education and not the false crap they teach. but they make friends through out there lives. kids whether an only child or more than one is not really the issue. it is the fact that just garbage you do what you feel is right. don't  listen to everyone else. 

them saying that is like saying people who are one denomination of a church is wrong cause they won't take there kid to another denomination. just plain bs

 

that is my feelings on it 

[mydiamond]

he's adorable :D give him hugs for me xxx

[Dunc]

I won't go into my past since it's hopefully not relevant; I'm an only child and because of incidences as I was growing up I've chosen to remain single - however, with that out of the way.

 

Whether you have one, two or twenty is a choice that is yours and your spouses - anyone who wants to tell you that you'd be a bad parent for having only on or, conversely, "aren't you ever going to stop?", in my opinion, doesn't deserve a respectful answer! They're way out of any degree of proper decorum - telling them in no uncertain terms to "butt out of my life!" is quite appropriate.

If you mutually, agree to have just one child, I'm sure it will be one of the most loved children around.  If you choose to have 20 then they'll never be alone - you pays your money and you make your choice - it's quite literally no ones business except yours!  I'm sorry that some of the ruder crowd have had to stick their arses in where it doesn't belong, but ignore them - they're fools (at best)!

 

[Mazz]

I am an only child. I was happy as a kid. My parents were always there for me, involved in my school activities, hugged me every day, and always told me they loved me. When I was good, I was rewarded. When I was bad, there was discipline. I had lots of friends and cousins growing up. I'd like to think I turned out OK, but others may differ on that account. Bottom line is, there is nothing wrong with being an only child. I might add, that I was adopted at birth. My birth mother could not afford or take care of a fifth child. That's all I know about her. My adoptive parents were MY PARENTS. Plain and simple. Your baby looks adorable. Love him and all will be well.

[Jay]

I'm technically an only child too and I liked it that way. I had childhood friends and entertained myself. I don't see how only having 1 child means u are harming him. It actually drives me nuts when people always ask first time parents when they will have a second one. My friend just had a baby after 5 years of trying and the baby was born premature. They were asking her IN the hospital!!!! I was like let her damn stitches heal at least!

Basically it's your decision and you shouldn't let other people make you feel guilty. Especially a man because if he had to pop out kids the population would decease in half lol

[Emma]

Hubby is an only child and there's an 8 year age gap between me and my kid sister, so I didn't really spend much time with her.

There's no right or wrong answer here. Like others have said, it's down to personal choice or circumstances. And as for the spoiling thing, you could have all the money in the world, but if you never sat and actually spent time with your children it counts for nothing. Seriously, don't dwell on what you can't afford because in reality all your children really want is to feel loved and spend quality time with you.

Different people have different parenting styles and techniques. Some read a load of books and stick to them like glue, completely inflexible. Some have no rules or boundaries and chaos reigns supreme. The good ones know the value of rules but have the ability to be flexible, spontaneous, and have fun! Go jump in the puddles, poke sticks in the mud, roll in the autumn leaves and create some happy memories and try not to worry too much about the people who freak out if they see a speck of fluff. You know your child isn't neglected, that there basic needs are being met. The truth is that they are the ones who have a problem, not you!

[goingsolo]

Enjoy Phoenix x. At 3 months old im sure you are to busy and exhausted to think about pregnancy ( and who wants 2 babies in 12 months?). Mine are 2 years apart ( almost exactly, 10 days between their birthdays) We decided on number 2 because we felt the time was right. If it is right for you to just have your gorgeous boy you will know and all others can take a jump. I do feel it sad that she is not fully enjoying your son (impression I get if she pressuring you to have another). Big hug x

[Bambi92]

Thanks everyone made me feel a bit better on my decisions when you have different people in your ear about it all plus being that tired I could probably sleep for 24hrs it does get very overwhelming and dealing with my issues pretty much on my own because I am over being judge about them there's days where I wish I could just walked away but then I look at the beautiful little boy I've had and he's worth every minute of crap I have to deal with it just sux that he gets upset when I'm upset

It would be in nice she (OHs mother) would butt out of our lives but that won't happen she's one of these people that have to know what your doing 24/7 another reason I want to move states.

I have a brother at times we got along others we fought like crazy but he was always there when I needed him still is I sought of want Phoenix to have that I just don't want to go through it again.

As some have said Ill enjoy Phoenix for now he's my main priority I have to do what's right for him so he's happy.

he's adorable :D give him hugs for me xxx

Thanks he loves cuddles lol

[Stormy]

I know people with siblings and some without all are fine The only thing i would say is do not spoil him to much as an only child as it can make them selfish etc that is the only thing i dont like about some that are only childs and they tend to not be very independent as their parents have done everything for them.

 

I have 2 brothers and a sister i was the first i do love having them but i dont think you would be a bad mother for only having one ... i only want to have one child!

[Sqwidge]

I know you have said the birth was traumatic, but remember it's still very fresh in your mind. Give it a few more years and you may change your mind. My son's birth wasn't the best (very very long labour, pushed for hour and half then ended up with emergency section) but 5 years later I have decided that I do want another one and we will be trying again soon.

Just take it easy for now and enjoy your gorgeous little boy xx