The Time Has Come [Urgent Help Needed!]

[Elyse]

Last night, I received a text:



Uh oh. I knew what my Mom was referring to right away: Dad was thinking taking Suka back to the shelter! So I responded:



I know, not the best response, but my tailbone hurt (bruised it earlier that day) and I was in a pissy mood to begin with.

Then...



Some other stuff happened. I suggested crate training him, which Dad was against when we first got him. Then:



The conversation ended for the night, because I guess Mom went to bed. I didn't get much sleep, worried over the fact Dad would take him back. I was crying, never felt so terrified and heartbroken at the same time. Fast forward to this morning, with an email:

 

 

Elyse:
 

Please get ready to cage train him as soon as you get home on the 13th.
 

His privilege to go everywhere with us has just ended.
 

There will be no other option.
 

I think the damage just for the office is close to a $1000 in materials and labour and the carpet in your room will cost another $2000 to replace.
 

I am really sorry that it has to be the cage as I was always against it but now I know for sure we can't trust him any more in any location.
 

I just can't afford to have him cause more damage as he is already very expensive on a yearly basis for all his needs which I did promise to cover.
 

Now I have to spend even more for a cage - but this is it - HE WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
 

In addition your mother will need to make sure she abides by the contract a 100%.
 

You will have to review it with her when you get home as she seems to be unable to recall the terms.
 

My heart has softened since last nite as I was ready to take him back as I was really truly pissed and it took everything I had emotionally not to  beat him and hurt him. I do not want to feel that way as I don't want to lose control and regret it later plus it really does affects health in a very negative way.
 

I think all this misbehaviour relates to your mother and I letting him get his own way on almost everything and treating him like a small person - which he is not as you have many times stated that he still just an animal regardless how cute he can be.
 

Elyse again I am really sorry we have to go ahead with the cage thing and I pray it will work because there is no other option now.
 

DON'T EVEN START TO GET THE IDEA TO MOVE TO ANOTHER HOUSE TO ACCOMODATE THE DOG AS IT WILL NOT BE.

You are not moving from that house until you graduate or change university and there is no discussion on this.
 

This dog will not cause any more upset or strife so one way or another the cage will have to work and he will need to adjust to it for whenever we leave the house.
 

We need to make the 2 vehicles smell like vehicles again and not smell and look like dog pens.

I guess what I am saying is that I have really tried but now am at the end of my patience - so if the dog is to stay and it costs me $$$ each month- then it will have to be on my terms.
 

I hope you can  understand and accept my position now.

Love you and hope your tail bone feels better - if not get to an X-ray at wherever like the hospital.

Dad.

 

(Dad has never been close with the dog - can you tell?)

I was never against crate training in the first place. He was. I told him that crate training is a long process and it will take me longer than a week (which is when my reading week starts) to do it. I said it will have to wait until the summer and he said:



I don't even know if that's possible. Of course I will look around, but I think it will easier on the dog if I'm the one that trains him and not a stranger. 


So: question time:

Is it possible to crate train a 9 year old dog, who has severe separation anxiety, in 4 months? (My summer break)
And, if so, how? 
I know there are numerous threads on crate training, but honestly I don't have the patience, the time, or the heart to look through them all. 

It sounds as though, if crate training doesn't work, then the dog will have to go back to the shelter. And 9 year olds are NEVER adopted out. 

I...just please. Give me advice on what to do. I don't want to lose my dog, but it seems as if I have no choice. Under my Dad's roof, its his rules. I brought up the possibility that I can move (to a house that allows pets) and get a job so financially support him, but he said its 'not happening'. 

I'm living 600 km away in university, so technically I'm already moved out. But my landlord will not allow pets - I can ask if she will allow Suka to stay for 3 months, but I doubt it. She's not reasonable to work with either.

I think I'll go back to crying now. 
 

[Jay]

So sorry you are going through this.  I really don't have many suggestions, I wish that I did  

 

While I do not know the whole back story, it does not seem like he is the most reasonable person to deal with.  True, it is his house, and it was damaged, I don't understand why he forbids you to leave if you want to move out and take Suka with you.  Plus, he was against crate training in the beginning, so in reality he has no one else to blame but himself.  I am not sure what your arrangements are with Suka while you are away, but it sounds like they are the ones to blame here and they are giving you an ultimatum.

 

Again, sorry  you are going through this, I hope it works out

[Elyse]

So sorry you are going through this.  I really don't have many suggestions, I wish that I did

 

While I do not know the whole back story, it does not seem like he is the most reasonable person to deal with.  True, it is his house, and it was damaged, I don't understand why he forbids you to leave if you want to move out and take Suka with you.  Plus, he was against crate training in the beginning, so in reality he has no one else to blame but himself.  I am not sure what your arrangements are with Suka while you are away, but it sounds like they are the ones to blame here and they are giving you an ultimatum.

 

Again, sorry  you are going through this, I hope it works out

Sorry, I should have specified. I'm living 600 km away in university, so technically I'm already moved out. But my landlord will not allow pets - I can ask if she will allow Suka to stay for 3 months, but I doubt it. She's not reasonable to work with either.

[Wy Renegade]

No doubt you are in a tough situation. Personally I am a big fan of crate training, but you are quite correct in that it works best when they are trained young. Have you all discussed the possibility of an outside kennel or run? Frankly that is much easier than a crate. Just something to consider.

[Elyse]

No doubt you are in a tough situation. Personally I am a big fan of crate training, but you are quite correct in that it works best when they are trained young. Have you all discussed the possibility of an outside kennel or run? Frankly that is much easier than a crate. Just something to consider.

Yes. He does not like the cold (his arthritis) and he doesn't really like being outside if there aren't any people around. He will go outside to do his business, and he'll want back inside right away...good weather or not.

[goingsolo]

Oh Elyse im so sorry this has happened. I can understand your dad being at the end of his tether, we all have a breaking point, but you are not there, you are following the rules it is your parents ( by own admission) who have been soft and allowed suka free reign, as you say you have never been against crating. It is difficult when you are so far away hopefully when calm your dad will see reason. Keep us postednand keep the communication open with your parents. Xxxx

[winterchillz]

I can't help in absolutely no way but it's crushing to see you have to go through this. I can only say that I am hoping for the best turn of events. My thoughts are with you and Suka..

[Wy Renegade]

While I get all that, you might want to consider it as an option for the short term. It also might give your parents some relief and peace of mind at this point, which might allow your dad to wait till summer break for the crate training. 

 

In reading through your dad's email, it doesn't strike me that he is trying to be unreasonable. I see someone who is still angry and upset, but who isn't threatening to take the dog back to the pound. He is obviously at his wits end, but he is trying to figure out how to make it work. Based on some of your other posts, I would say that is a big step in the right direction. At this point, I think you need to work with him in trying to come up with a workable solution for right now, rather than focusing on why the crate training can't work. 

 

Even crates aren't bullet-proof options. Many huskies can and do find a method to open them if they have to spend too much time in them.

[Removed #5]

Elyse, I've read this a few times and wish I could come up with something that would work for you and Suka (and the rest of the family, too, of course)

 

To answer part of that question - while it doesn't have to do with crate training specifically - you can have someone else train a dog to do most anything, then you just have to pick up the "loose ends" (emphasize for Suka that this is what you want her to do.)  The question remains - is there someone local to your parents who can do that?  Expanding on that a bit, if there is, then could they care for Suka till you get back for summer break.

 

In part I have to agree with Randy (who posted as I am posting) I don't think you're dad's being unreasonable - just as he said, he's at his limit and something needs to be done now.  I can't picture a three month hiatus working.

 

A question though, why can't you move to another house (I presume college approved dorm?) even it your dads footing the bill, wouldn't his payment just be directed to the other house?

Edited January 28, 2014 by Al Jones

[Elyse]

 

 

A question though, why can't you move to another house (I presume college approved dorm?) even it your dads footing the bill, wouldn't his payment just be directed to the other house?

That's what I'm confused about. I guess he's concerned it will upset my studies. Even now, he said to 'not worry about it' and to concentrate on my studies until my week break in February, where he said we'll talk about it some more.

But that's impossible - I'm going to be worrying about it the entire time. I don't care about my studies right now, all I care about it Suka, but I don't think things will go over well if I tell Dad that.

[Removed #5]

and understandably concerned 'cause if she does something else in the near future I can picture an "Oh hell with school, I've got a problem!" and a flying trip home.

(( Which would *really* set him off, eh? ))

[Marc]

Your Dad does actually say that the lack of crate was his choice btw. However in answer to your question, yes you can crate train in 4 month. If I could crate train Koda to the degree that he now whines to go in his crate at night if its not open and he is tired then anyone can train them. Koda literally would pull the crate to pieces to begin with to get out, but once I spend some time off work to train him it was actually easy to do provided I ignored the massive amount of noise and was extremely patient whilst doing so. I would say after a couple of week he went from being wet through in his crate from slather and crate being destroyed over and over (just bent it back into shape over and over till he was trained properly) to sleeping through the night in it and having no problems when we went to work. Key is simply to make it "their" place.

 

Please try and see it from your Dads point of view also as it may help you somewhat in getting more patience from your Dad IMO. You gotta bare in mind its you who has the attachment to Suka and its your dog. If someone elses animal, whether it be family or not, ripped up $1k of stuff in my house I can tell you now even as someone who loves my dogs to bits you would get a very similar response to what you dad did, if not worse. If you see that and simpathise with your dads situation you may find you get a softer response in return.

[Marc]

 

A question though, why can't you move to another house (I presume college approved dorm?) even it your dads footing the bill, wouldn't his payment just be directed to the other house?

 

And his name tied to it and the upkeep of with Suka in there. Wouldn't actually solve the problem he has, in fact it would compound it.

[Removed #5]

And his name tied to it and the upkeep of with Suka in there. Wouldn't actually solve the problem he has, in fact it would compound it.

 

Aye, I had to think for a second, but you're probably right there.  But it would move the problem from his house though ....

[Clare70]

So sorry you are feeling like this, it must be very stressful.  A couple of questions, did you all agree you could have Suka in the first place? What was your study situation then? I ask this because if you were already away studying, then surely your parents must have known you wouldn't be there and ultimately they have brought him up. If he's not behaving as they like, then surely they are the responsible ones.  To then suggest Suka goes back to a shelter is unfair to him, do they not realise the stress it will cause him and you! If they are adamant you continue studying, then they must not want you to have any distractions, ie worrying about your dog.

 

Sometimes as parents we say something to our kids whilst we are angry or upset but seldom go through with it. I would just be really sorry for what Suka has done, and agree to anything your parents suggest. You may find your Dad will thaw a little.

[Elyse]

UPDATE:

Mom has told me: "Dad found blood on the glass, so he believes someone may have been taunting him. His heart is softening, I think" The blinds (at the office) are the only things that are damaged. Not sure if its only the one window.

And she says she will try her best to keep Dad calm. So that's good, atleast. 
 

So sorry you are feeling like this, it must be very stressful.  A couple of questions, did you all agree you could have Suka in the first place? What was your study situation then? I ask this because if you were already away studying, then surely your parents must have known you wouldn't be there and ultimately they have brought him up. If he's not behaving as they like, then surely they are the responsible ones.  To then suggest Suka goes back to a shelter is unfair to him, do they not realise the stress it will cause him and you! If they are adamant you continue studying, then they must not want you to have any distractions, ie worrying about your dog.

 

Sometimes as parents we say something to our kids whilst we are angry or upset but seldom go through with it. I would just be really sorry for what Suka has done, and agree to anything your parents suggest. You may find your Dad will thaw a little.

Yes, we did agree on getting the dog. I was in highschool back then (grade 11) - we've have him for almost 5 years, so its been 3 years since I've been away at university.

I know its my parents' fault for his behaviour and what happened, but I REALLY think that if I say this it will make the situation worse. 
 

[Clare70]

I don't get it then, did you have any agreements before you left for uni? I mean your parents must have realised they would be looking after Suka whilst you were away, so as I said before if he is misbehaving then they can only look at themselves, be angry at themselves and not you, who is 600km away.

 

Obviously you don't want to go saying this as it will only add fuel to the fire, just try and keep cool and hopefully your Dad will calm down.

[Elyse]

I don't get it then, did you have any agreements before you left for uni? I mean your parents must have realised they would be looking after Suka whilst you were away, so as I said before if he is misbehaving then they can only look at themselves, be angry at themselves and not you, who is 600km away.

 

Obviously you don't want to go saying this as it will only add fuel to the fire, just try and keep cool and hopefully your Dad will calm down.

Yes. Mom agreed to walk him, brush him, etc. Which she has been doing. Dad agreed to continue paying for his food, medical/vet stuff, etc. I printed out sheets of paper explaining what he is and isn't allowed to do - of course they've been ignoring them. Everytime I come home I try to explain to them they have to follow my rules when it comes to the dog's (NILF, no begging allowed, etc) but obviously they're still not listening.

I feel like I should have tried harder, somehow. I know its not my fault, but I can't help and feel like it is.

[Wy Renegade]

UPDATE:

Yes, we did agree on getting the dog. I was in highschool back then (grade 11) - we've have him for almost 5 years, so its been 3 years since I've been away at university.

I know its my parents' fault for his behaviour and what happened, but I REALLY think that if I say this it will make the situation worse. 

 

 

If I remember correctly, your getting the dog was based on a contractual agreement between you and your parents, which is what dad refers to in his email. I agree that the problem isn't going to be solved by pointing fingers to assign blame. At this point, it is time to move past that and look at possible solutions. While the office blinds/window are the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, there are obviously more underlying issues; i.e. the carpet in your room, the autos smelling like dog, being tied to taking the dog everywhere, etc. In other words, your dad like the dog, maybe even enjoys having him around, but doesn't want the dog dictating his and your mother's life to the point that it seems to be doing at this time. 

[Elyse]

If I remember correctly, your getting the dog was based on a contractual agreement between you and your parents, which is what dad refers to in his email. I agree that the problem isn't going to be solved by pointing fingers to assign blame. At this point, it is time to move past that and look at possible solutions. While the office blinds/window are the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, there are obviously more underlying issues; i.e. the carpet in your room, the autos smelling like dog, being tied to taking the dog everywhere, etc. In other words, your dad like the dog, maybe even enjoys having him around, but doesn't want the dog dictating his and your mother's life to the point that it seems to be doing at this time. 

That is true. And I have been upholding my end of the contract. The carpet issue happened a few weeks after we got him (we left him in my room, door closed. We can't let him roam around the whole house because we have a house alarm.), so that was a long time ago. 

I don't think the cars smell like the dog (he goes on car rides with us everywhere, since he can't be left alone. Oddly he's okay with being alone for HOURS inside the car), but Dad has a really sensitive nose. 

I'm not trying to blame anyone, btw, even though I know its their fault. Looking for solutions, even up to someone fostering him at this point.

[Emma]

Sorry Elyse,sounds rather stressful right now for you all. I would say its not impossible to teach any dog how to crate train, it's just probably going to be harder as he has to first unlearn his usual routine and then adapt to the new one. However, i remember you saying before that he has SA so you dont leave him alone. I would ask if anyone has ever dealt with the SA independently as sticking him in a crate and walking out the door him wont help if he's still suffering from SA. That needs to be addressed independently.

Loadsa hugs Elyse xxxxxxxx

[Elyse]

UPDATE:

I have someone nearby who is willing to take care of him for free (we'd just have to pay for his food). He says him and his wife run a dog daycare out of their home (they also have a husky). I was almost convinced, until he said this:

 

 

 

Awesome. We can change the registration address temporarily to my address. I just like to be safe about it. You never know with huskies, they seem to all think theyre escape artists.

Red flag? I don't want him to steal Suka away!!


Aaaand, just found out he has 3 cats. Suka would see that as an all-you-can-eat-kitty buffet. Darn.

EDIT: And he just said no, like I thought, cause he didn't want to put his cats at risk. But he said 'wish I could help, he's an impressive looking dog'...which makes me wonder if he actually was trying to steal and sell my dog

[Jay]

Doesn't sound right at all. I would never change over registration to my dogs. Hopefully you'll get it worked out soon

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[Mobezilla]

Elyse, I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I will be here for you, we will try to figure something out if you can't get your parents back on track. We have this amazing forum and the people on our groups to help us out, Suka won't be going anywhere. Hugs to you Elyse, I know this is stressful and you can message me anytime. 

[sammybeans]

Sorry to hear that you're going through this Elyse, you'll find a way to work things out with Suka