Holy Ship. They Found Out...

[Tatipu]

So if you guys don't already know about my situation with my brother:

 

The short story is, my brother lied to my entire family about being in Pharmacy school for 2 years..

 

 

 

What just changed today is .. MY PARENTS FOUND OUT.

 

 

 

 

i woke up just now and saw my parents talking to each other and my mom starts crying and asking if I thought she was a bad parent and put too much pressure on me to do well in school.  I told her no (but really, yeah.. I'm already struggling to maintain her A/B GPA grades) 

 

Like I said last week, I don't think my mom can handle it and she's been crying non stop for the past 20 minutes and I don't know what to do.

 

 

They told me they've had suspicions for very long now, just like I did (though I told them I had no clue about this , but I did have suspicions) and last week they told my brother to get them the 1080 (Or w/e the scholarship tax form from school was) and he never did.

 

He also didn't do it last year and my dad said he confronted my brother and that's when he came out and told them.. 

 

Obviously I'm crying and it feels like a repeat of last week except now I can cry with my mom and she's not handling it too well.  

My parents are basically telling me to lie to the rest of my family because it's such a huge embarrassment that my parents can't face other people.

 

I honestly don't want to lie to my family but I understand why I really do need to lie.  

 

I'm not sure what's going to happen but I'll try to keep you guys updated :\. 

Can't believe it comes out a week after I find out.. -sigh-

 

Just feels like life decided to throw us a curve ball and we screwed up..

[mydiamond]

 

 

Hate to say "at least" during times like this, but seriously... At least you don't have to lie to your parents no more. I'm glad your brother chose to confess rather than sticking to his original plan; which if I remember correctly is keeping the secret until he got kicked out. That is the most immature thing I have ever heard in my whole life, and I'm relieved to hear he chose to man up and tell the truth. 

[Carly]

ooops!

[BingBlaze n Skyla]

like liv said at least you no longer have to lie for him to your parents , maybe once this has calmed down your parents might also realize how hard they've been on you too - specially as your at least trying to get good grades

 

life can sometimes really suck , trust me i know , but things DO get better , it could take ages but it does happen , after all once you're at the bottom , the only way is up 

 

big hugs 

[Andy]

The weight of hiding the truth is off your shoulders now.

Try not to let it stress you out so much.

You have to concentrate on YOUR life / school and grades.

[winterchillz]

I'd agree with the above posters and especially with Andy. Crap happens every now and then, don't let it weight on you and pull you down.

[Clare70]

I'm glad for you it's out in the open but tbh I don't think your parents are any better than your brother, the fact they are prepared to lie to friends and family to save face.  Isn't this what your brother did?

 

Sorry, not having a moan at you, just the way now your parents are asking you to lie.  I think it's time for some honesty all round

[Tatipu]

Hate to say "at least" during times like this, but seriously... At least you don't have to lie to your parents no more. I'm glad your brother chose to confess rather than sticking to his original plan; which if I remember correctly is keeping the secret until he got kicked out. That is the most immature thing I have ever heard in my whole life, and I'm relieved to hear he chose to man up and tell the truth.

Oh no. He didn't confess. My dad asked where his tax form was and when my brother couldn't provide the tax form, he got cornered into telling the truth.

What's worse is he left after confessing to my parents and he told his gf that he "was not meant to be in pharmacy school "

He didn't tell her that he dropped out 2 years ago.

This is the girl he told me is "the one" and I feel terribly sorry for her if she ended up marrying my brother .

So, you should still see him as immature and stupid, Liv :<

I ended up confessing to my parents that I just found out last week so my parents would at least know SOME information since my brother left the house shortly after he had to tell my parents.

What was annoying was he took MY car to go to his gf's house. This implied that he was going to come back home because I needed my parking pass to go to school today. So he did come home and left in his car right away. Never even came in.

That's so disrespectful imo.

Coming home and then leaving without ever coming in especially when you know your parents want to talk to him.

[Tatipu]

I'm glad for you it's out in the open but tbh I don't think your parents are any better than your brother, the fact they are prepared to lie to friends and family to save face. Isn't this what your brother did?

Sorry, not having a moan at you, just the way now your parents are asking you to lie. I think it's time for some honesty all round

Many times in Asian culture (not sure about others ) it is a BIG embarrassment to not go to school. Just like it would he a BIG embarrassment if someone in our family got pregnant and was not married. (In my household, also bad to have sex before marriage but all the guys already had sex with their gf's .. stupid imo. And stupid gfs for letting them) The girls in my family are much more traditional in that sense. But I understand society now is different and this is the normal nowadays lol.

Asian families (traditional) have a lot of pride and they like to keep their heads up high. That's why living in a traditional family is so harsh. The grades, the way I can form relationships with guys, etc.

When someone does something wrong especially like this, they would be shunned or either will be let known that they are a disappointment within the family. From an outside view, everyone would pretend nothing is wrong.

That is how traditional Asian families work. Disguise the disgrace and pull it off until they can figure out a way to either fix it before people find out or if it can't be fixed, let the entire family know how bad that person is, and usually people will not stay around that certain family member.

But this seems logical to be the case for many cultures ?

I mean, if I was a parent I wouldn't want to openly admit my child deceived me for 2 yrs and dropped out of school with my knowledge?

Anywho, my mom couldn't sleep last night and I could hear her up and about, washing dishes at 4 AM. My dad is just laughing at how stupid he was for getting fooled so easily.

Mostly everyone is just in disbelief. I'm glad that this is over and I don't have to keep it in because I don't think I could keep it up much longer, but now I feel like I need to go to therapy or at least family therapy to sort the issues lol.

[Elyse]

Oh god. I'm sorry to hear about all of this. I...I really don't know what to say.

I know in your last thread you said they are proud...but is that it? TO ME, I think for just the sake of pride it isn't worth it to put that much pressure on your children, but I'm not from an Asian family...so its hard to understand your culture.

 

Did your brother ever explain WHY he lied? With the extent he went to make his lie believable, I'd suspect he thought he had a very good reason to??





 

[The_Husky_ &_The_Hound]

I'm sure your parents are devastated and embarrassed. I'm sitting here wondering WHY your brother still has car keys? No school, no job, NO CAR! Now might be a good time for you to have an adult conversation with your parents about how YOU feel.

[goingsolo]

It will take a while but im sure things csn now improve.

[Tatipu]

Oh god. I'm sorry to hear about all of this. I...I really don't know what to say.

I know in your last thread you said they are proud...but is that it? TO ME, I think for just the sake of pride it isn't worth it to put that much pressure on your children, but I'm not from an Asian family...so its hard to understand your culture.

 

Did your brother ever explain WHY he lied? With the extent he went to make his lie believable, I'd suspect he thought he had a very good reason to??

 

 

I'm not really sure how they think but that's the way it seems.  Apparently, after talking to them, they told me they pushed us really hard to get good grades because they both grew up struggling to make ends meet.  And now we live extremely comfortably and I think my brother took that for granted (and I did too but have made changes a year ago to change that)

 

He told me he lied because he didn't want a disappoint my family and there was just so much pressure because everyone expected him to become a Doctor. (PharmD)  He said that everyone expected him to become a Pharmacist and he didn't want them to be disappointed in him?

 

I'm not sure why he did lie though, because most of our family members aren't like my parents.  (The strict on tradition people are my parents and mostly the elders)  Most of the family near us, are the younger more American life style.  Very relaxed, not too stressful on grades, just care if their kid is trying and just glad their kid goes to college. They are however strict when the kid of course doesn't try (which is to be expected)

 

Though it isn't openly said my family is very judgmental about other people and even people within the family.  I get rude remarks on how I never dress like a "girl" and I usually just shrug it off because I like wearing comfortable clothing -- which happens to be shirts and shorts lol.  

 

 

[Tatipu]

I'm sure your parents are devastated and embarrassed. I'm sitting here wondering WHY your brother still has car keys? No school, no job, NO CAR! Now might be a good time for you to have an adult conversation with your parents about how YOU feel.

 

My parents and I had a conversation last night and I told them how I felt.   We're most likely going to have a family discussion when they figure out what to do with my brother.

 

Note that we are very privileged (and also very spoiled -- at least my brother is)  When my parents were angry at me for a C in a class (I didn't try in school at the time) they wanted me to get a job and they would let me keep my car.   I supposed this is the same or similar position. (except I never lied)

 

I'm thinking that they're trying to figure out what to do before they do anything too rash.  I personally think they should put some great punishment.  It is terrible to lie to your parents.  Sure, a white lie every now and then (What I mean by white lie:  of course I didn't go out and eat fast food.. (but in reality I did))  But something as big as this should not go without punishment.

 

I really do hope they punish him for that because lying to your parents is one of the worst things you can do.  (At least it is in my mind)  

 

My brother is a devious, manipulative liar and we all know that he lies a lot but we just didn't know that he would have a lie THIS big. \

 

Love my brother but something really needs to be done and I'm not going to feel bad if he gets the punishment he deserves.

 

He told me he hopes that he can still stay close (relationship wise) with my parents -- but I just don't see him coming back from the lies.

My parents trusted him and he lied to their faces. 

Heck, he's still lying to our faces and even his GF (who he hopes to marry)

 

A relationship based on lies is no relationship..

[Elyse]

I'm not really sure how they think but that's the way it seems.  Apparently, after talking to them, they told me they pushed us really hard to get good grades because they both grew up struggling to make ends meet.  And now we live extremely comfortably and I think my brother took that for granted (and I did too but have made changes a year ago to change that)

 

He told me he lied because he didn't want a disappoint my family and there was just so much pressure because everyone expected him to become a Doctor. (PharmD)  He said that everyone expected him to become a Pharmacist and he didn't want them to be disappointed in him?

 

I'm not sure why he did lie though, because most of our family members aren't like my parents.  (The strict on tradition people are my parents and mostly the elders)  Most of the family near us, are the younger more American life style.  Very relaxed, not too stressful on grades, just care if their kid is trying and just glad their kid goes to college. They are however strict when the kid of course doesn't try (which is to be expected)

 

Though it isn't openly said my family is very judgmental about other people and even people within the family.  I get rude remarks on how I never dress like a "girl" and I usually just shrug it off because I like wearing comfortable clothing -- which happens to be shirts and shorts lol.  

 

 

Ah. My Dad's family immigrated from Italy, and they too worked really hard to make ends meet, so my Dad felt really pressured to make six figures (so I know where you're coming from there). 

Your brother shouldn't have lied, and he should have let his parents know what he wanted to do. When I told my parents I was switching programs from Zoology to Ecology (significantly less harder and its more interesting, same job opportunities), there was a mixed reaction. My Dad supported my choice, and said to do what I thought was right (but encouraged me to do research on it). But I think that, even a year later, my Mom is strongly against the idea. But honestly, its my life...and nobody, not even my parents, can dictate how I live it. That being said, I always take my parents' opinions into account, but at the end of the day its up to me. If your brother felt so strongly about it, he should have had a discussion with his parents and yourself instead of lying. 

But, he didn't want to disappoint his parents, so he chose to lie. Do you think that, if he felt like he wouldn't have disappointed his parents, he wouldn't have lied?

I know this is a tough situation. Here's hoping it gets better. :hugs:

 

[Tatipu]

Ah. My Dad's family immigrated from Italy, and they too worked really hard to make ends meet, so my Dad felt really pressured to make six figures (so I know where you're coming from there). 

Your brother shouldn't have lied, and he should have let his parents know what he wanted to do. When I told my parents I was switching programs from Zoology to Ecology (significantly less harder and its more interesting, same job opportunities), there was a mixed reaction. My Dad supported my choice, and said to do what I thought was right (but encouraged me to do research on it). But I think that, even a year later, my Mom is strongly against the idea. But honestly, its my life...and nobody, not even my parents, can dictate how I live it. That being said, I always take my parents' opinions into account, but at the end of the day its up to me. If your brother felt so strongly about it, he should have had a discussion with his parents and yourself instead of lying. 

But, he didn't want to disappoint his parents, so he chose to lie. Do you think that, if he felt like he wouldn't have disappointed his parents, he wouldn't have lied?

I know this is a tough situation. Here's hoping it gets better. :hugs:

 

Tbh, Elyse, I think he would have lied regardless.

 

He has always made little lies about things growing up, never big lies but usually obvious. 

Eventually he just became really good at lying somehow and has done it ever since. 

 

He will basically lie on things that I could care less about.

 

I just ask a simple question of "Did you eat already today?"

He tells me no and then I find a receipt in my car later that was for the day he told me he didn't eat.

No reason to lie to me about not eating fast food.  (He has fatty liver -- but I really don't care, it's his problem for eating like that) 

 

Currently, my dad is talking to my brother and I can tell my brother is in one of "those" moods.  The kind where he just sits there, not really listening and just saying "okay" to everything my dad says.  

 

But atm, my mom and dad are suggesting that my brother get help.  They think that there's something wrong with him psychologically because he chose to lie in front of people he love (or should love) the most.  I made a lot of mistakes back then and even I understand even though there's a ton of pressure, my parents just want the best for me (even though they're very harsh to me at times) and they just don't want me to end up like how they were when they first came to the US (no money, no english and not a good housing situation either) 

 

It's heart breaking because I was talking to my mom earlier (recently retired) and my mom was crying saying how if it needs to be, she will go back to work so she can get my brother to get a degree.  I obviously cried because my mom grew up begging on the streets for money, living 7 people to a small apartment, working at mcdonalds 40+ hours a week while going full time to school.   She made her way up to a 6 figure job and I would hate for her to have to go to work to put my brother through school.  She definitely doesn't deserve to be put through that.

 

I'm hoping my dad can find a fix for my brother and my mom won't have to go through more pain but there's nothing I can do but sit, watch, and comfort her :\.

Hopefully things will get better.

[mydiamond]

I'd still say "at least". At least now it's out in the open. Surely it's a stressful time for your whole family atm, but now that everyone already knows what's going on, it could only go upwards and onwards. 

 

 

My cousin was gambling secretly when he was in college. His parents and two sisters didn't know; until one day he ran out of money and couldn't pay for his bets. When he was about to be put in jail, he finally told his two sisters. Like you, his sisters freak out immediately. They kept the whole thing a secret for a week or two before finally somehow their parents found out. A huge family meeting--with my dad and grandparents too--was then held. It was a difficult time indeed. But now that it's not a secret anymore, the rest of the family help each other to somehow get the person suing my cousin to 'forgive' him. My cousin still stays away from his parents until a few years later, but guess he can't help it. He was embarrassed, although he didn't show it. I'm sure your brother was embarrassed too. Yes he was an idiot, and yes he is at risk of losing his girlfriend, but people screw up. Including your parents, you and me. Don't be too hard on him

[Removed #5]

Eli, I think one of the things that has bothered me most through this - after concern for how you and your parents are handling this - is what was he doing while he was supposed to have been in school??  Even an ardent fisherman can only fish so much before he has to take a break and do something else!  And, I'm sorry, I don't think for a moment that he did nothing but set in your car waiting for you or spend time with his girlfriend.  If you were talking about a couple of weeks or a month - maybe; but you're talking about two years.  I hate to say it, but I think this is the onion and you've just peeled off the first layer.

 

Added:  As far as getting help, first the person who need the help has to admit there's a problem and secondly, someone has to be able to identify the problem.  .... and his lying is not the problem, it's a symptom.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Al Jones

[Tatipu]

Eli, I think one of the things that has bothered me most through this - after concern for how you and your parents are handling this - is what was he doing while he was supposed to have been in school??  Even an ardent fisherman can only fish so much before he has to take a break and do something else!  And, I'm sorry, I don't think for a moment that he did nothing but set in your car waiting for you or spend time with his girlfriend.  If you were talking about a couple of weeks or a month - maybe; but you're talking about two years.  I hate to say it, but I think this is the onion and you've just peeled off the first layer.

 

Added:  As far as getting help, first the person who need the help has to admit there's a problem and secondly, someone has to be able to identify the problem.  .... and his lying is not the problem, it's a symptom.

IMO, it seems hard to believe that when I asked what have you been doing while I was at school these past 2 years he said "I was doing absolutely nothing." Then I asked him so he's been sitting in the library or food court and just waiting for me and he said , "Pretty much"

I have suspicions that he sells fishing gear or buys fishing gear on the side because a lot of times he has fishing stuff with him for some reason but I doubt he used my car without my knowledge because he usually asks when he needs to use my car while I'm at school o_o.

It doesn't seem like he uses my car either while I'm at school because we all know parking in college is a hassle.. If you leave a spot, it's most likely not there when you come back 5 min later. I don't know what else he could possibly doing on campus.

He never has cash so he probably won't take public transit (plus public transit is always slow anyways)

Last night when my dad was talking to him, my brother admitted he had a problem with lying because it's the easy way out.

Just like with the comparison: Would you rather have $1 today or $5 tomorrow, my brother will most likely choose the Now rather than the Later. He lies so there are no consequences NOW but there are so many Later.

Also, my dad had the same suspicion as you, Al. My dad also asked him the same question and my brother has fatty liver (btw, he eats fast food like every day though he doesn't appear fat/obese) and my dad asked why he couldn't just go to the gym on campus and work out while I was in class and my bro just sat there and said I don't know.

So maybe the lying is masking an even bigger problem :l...

Oh and Liv, my bro used to gamble before too. I knew about it and my mom knew about it. We just never talked about it but my bro would come home $500-600 .. hard to believe lol.

[Elyse]

Yeah, it sounds like he has a problem with pathological lying. A friend of mine used to be one. If you can, explain that lying all the time is not good. It WILL catch up with you, it always does, in one way or another. If you lie in university (plagiarize, etc), you'll be kicked out, and possibly serve jail time if it is severe. That criminal record stays with you for life, my friend still has trouble getting clients sometimes in his field of work because he did something dumb as a young adult, and he went to jail for it (minor offence)

If your boss finds out you have lied, he'll fire you. It will be extremely hard to get a job after that, as everybody asks for references nowadays. Nobody wants to hire a liar.

My friend had to go to therapy for his pathological lying problem. It worked.

Your mother shouldn't go back to work to pay for your brother's mistakes. He has to learn there are consequences. He should get a job, and pay for his own schooling. That way, he'll learn (more?) about responsibility.