Maintaining Friendships

[Smokey]

Dogs are easy in terms of maintaining a 'friendship', right? I mean they don't have any ulterior motives other than seeking out the necessities of life and an occasional treat.

I think this question may be a bit awkward...but anyway,

How do you maintain a friendship? Does it require effort from both parties? Or can it be a one-way thing? Is it a push and pull game where one friend may push the other away and if the other friend comes knocking on the others door, he/she lets them back in?

What about friendships with the opposite (straight) sex? How does this type of friendship maintain a platonic vibe?

And lastly, how is betrayal or lying factored into a friendship? After what point does it no longer become acceptable for you?

[mydiamond]

I assume the questions below are in no relation with our friendship with the dogs? Anyways...

 

1) How do you maintain a friendship?

I don't. I'm socially awkward though, so I may not be the best person to answer this. I have a "if I should be alone to the last day of my life then so be it" kind of mindset, so I never attempt to maintain a friendship. If they really are great people, things will work out their own way. Suddenly you just started talking to each other every day, all day long. Then comes the hang-out invitations, and voila! Friendship. Should I move to somewhere really far (which I'm about to do in 16 days) and the connection dies out, so be it.

 

2) Does it require effort from both parties or can it be a one-way thing?

In terms of initiating a friendship, it only takes one person to make it work. Only one of you needs to turn around, extend a hand and go; "hi there! what's your name, dude?". Right? And then one of them go "hey look I know this super cool cafe not far from here. Would you like to check it out?". If these two people "click", conversations would flow and before you know it they'd be friends. In terms of staying friends, it does take both parties' effort.

 

3) Is it a push and pull game where one friend may push the other away and if the other friend comes knocking on the others door, he/she lets them back in?

NO is my only answer to this. No. Just no. Sure, sometimes fights can break out and one of them would apologize sooner than the other, but it is never, will never be and should never be a constant game. Is that your situation right now? Because if yes, I suggest to cross those names off your friends list.

 

4) What about friendships with the opposite (straight) sex? How does this type of friendship maintain a platonic vibe?

I've been real great friends with a lot of boys before. Unfortunately, rarely does it go without any 'incidents'. Sometimes the boy ends up liking me, or the other way round (never again). I think it's a bit hard to not fall in love with a boy that is basically your soul mate, but there are some factors that kept the platonic vibe going. First, they've been friends all too long. Dating one another would feel like dating a sibling to one or both parties. Second, they're all too common. People need differences to make it work romantically. So that they'd be able to fill each others' gap. When people are too common, dating becomes close to impossible. Sure, sometimes it may flare up some romantic sparks, but the relationship wouldn't last long. On the other hand though friendship is all about what you have in common. So in conclusion, there is no real answer to the "how" part. It's not like there are any tactical methods you can use to tell your male friend to not like you... But hey, it's a part of life.

 

5) How is betrayal or lying factored into a friendship? After what point does it no longer become acceptable for you?

Real friendship, as in the ones that last for so many years and include people who really care about you, would not have these two items factored into them at all. Should you notice anyone betraying you, backstabbing you, badmouthing you behind your back or just lying to you about a big issue in general, it is simply a sign that they are not your friend. Sometimes... no, it always hurts. Always is, always will. But the good side is; now you're off to make some new friends! As for the last question, once is more than enough. There is no such thing as "acceptable betrayal". I believe that's how it should be with everyone.

[Zanki]

I didn't have friends growing up, so I guess I can answer what I've learned in the last seven years.

 

Frienships are hard to maintain. They do require effort on both parts, whether it's just texting the other person and organising and time and place to meet, it's difficult sometimes and very frustrating when you have a close friend who doesn't message back quickly. Sometimes its hard to find a time that you can both meet. Right now a lot of my friends are away, some visiting their families, others are on holiday, one of my best friends doesn't live far away but he messed up his back and is fasting so he isn't around at the moment. We are all still messaging each other, either on Facebook, whatsapp or texting. I've never really had friends like this before. It's really nice. Hell, I was at a party from 6-11pm last night, didn't even notice it was that late until I got home and crashed because it was that much fun.

 

Hanging out with people off the opposite sex isn't as hard as it seems. Nearly all my friends are boys, to me, it doesn't mean anything, it's just easier for me to get along with boys, just have similar interests. My boyfriend also has no problems with it which is awesome. Nothing has ever happened with another boy and never will. You can be friends with a boy and nothing more if you are mature enough to see that having friends of the opposite sex just means friendship. One of my best friends, we met at a convention in LA a few years ago, everyone kept saying we were going to hook up because we just clicked, he had a girlfriend at the time, I've been with my boyfriend for nearly seven years. Nothing will ever happen, he feels like a brother or something, nothing more. We were both very confused when people kept mentioning it to us until we realise those people just didn't get friendship with the opposite sex didn't automatically mean we liked each other as more than friends.

 

Now for a big thing, if you aren't comfortable with the other person, you don't need to keep them in your life. If you are cruel to you or do something you don't like, walk away, they aren't worth having in your life. Humans, well animals in general, are jerks and like to hurt each other for their own personal gain. Those people you do not want around you. You need to keep the bad ones away and keep the good ones close.

[Emma]

Agree with the above here. Friendships are a two way street. If it's all one person doing the running then after a while it just gets exhausting.

When I was little my best friend was a boy. We were like two peas in a pod getting up to mischief. Our friendship survived right up until 18/19 years of age, where he moved away and we kind of lost contact. There was never anything more to it than friendship though, if he'd of suggested it I would have laughed at him tbh.

Most of my friends have been guys as they're just easier to get on along with. Girls I find harder because there's a lot of unspoken messages and hidden meanings......I don't really understand it all too well, lol. And as for lying/deceit. That's my number one deal breaker. Everybody gets one chance. Break it and I'm gone. no second chances. Nobody deserves to be treated with dishonesty.

[Removed #5]

Oho, tough question ... since I have few friends.  As I've said before, as I was growing up mom moved whenever she wasn't happy (which was all the time) so I never had the opportunity to learn how to make friends let alone keep them.

 

As I've "matured" I've found that I have a few friends.  Regrettably, I've also found that in trying to strike up a friendship, I often seem to open myself up to being used and abused.

 

To answer your questions (imho):

 

1) True friendship is a two way street, while a dinner after work may sound great to you, if your friend isn't in the mood for (formalish) dinner, then you talk it out.  Maybe pizza at the local is what you end up in ... something that suits both of you.  The alternative, with a good friend can also be, "I want to go out and you don't; would you mind if I went by myself?" And that simple questions says a lot!  You do have your own life, you should be able top live it as you like.  You also respect this other person and don't want to upset them if they have their heart set on a round of pool (or whatever).  As long as it's just friendship (not roomies or lovers, etc) then each of you has the right to choose to do what you want - with respect for the other persons wishes.

 

2 - 4 I mostly agree with Liv ... except with 4 I think there's a bond that develops between people who will go on to be lovers that doesn't exist with "just friends" (and I'm not putting "just friends" down!) As Liv says, you compliment each other;  sometimes it's because you each like the same things and can enjoy those things more with each other than with anyone else;  sometimes it's because of the dis-similarities where you find that they can do things you can't (and vice-versa) having their knowledge to fall back on brings you closer still.

 

5 I'm with Emma on this, while - as I've said - friendships mean that each of you has your own interests, you may go your separate ways for different things but at the end of the day, you can set down and talk about what you've done and enjoy each others "triumphs" because you are friends.

 

Standing line with me:  I'm open with just about anyone, lie to me, steal from me, use me and mate, you're history so fast you won't get a chance to blink.  If my friends can't be honest with me then they're not my friend.

[Jay]

It does take a lot of work to maintain friendships, and I find the older I am the harder it is! As a child as long as my friends were not mean to me and played with me I was good.  Even in my 20's I found it pretty easy to maintain friendships.  I didn't have a lot of responsibilities, just went to work, and afterwards we were go out and party. 

 

I would have a larger group of people I would hang out with, but truly trusted just a small group of close friends.  As we got older, and most of them had kids, we have seen each other less and less.  Now that I have 3 dogs, and most of my friends are not really dog people, I rarely have friends just stop over anymore.  I only see them for the obligitory birthday parties, etc. but we don't really just hang out anymore.  Even though we only see each other a half dozen or so times a year, I know that if I really needed someone they would be there for me and have my back.  That's true friendship, when you can not see or hear from them, but be able to pick right back up where you left off!

 

And like Al, I have had friend lie and betray me, and no matter how close I thought we were...I never spoke to them again.  I don't get revengeful but I also don't see a point in continuing a friendship when trust is gone, because it will never fully come back

[LightningStruck]

I've always had a difficult time with friends. It sounds like there might be some people here that can understand what I mean. I had the usual share in school, but I never really felt very close to anyone. I actually have more now then ever before.

Since I have a bit of social anxiety and well, anxiety in general, it is hard for me to maintain a friendship the way that I should. This got a lot worse after my divorce because I felt very awkward around our usual circle of friends as well as embarrassed by what was happening in my own life. Coupling those factors with just being depressed in general and I was NOT a ball of fun to be around. My friends were amazing about everything. They let me hibernate quietly and forgave me when I would forget to call or cancel a lunch date. They checked in on me every so often while still being alright with me taking space and in all honesty I expected most of them to take offense to my retreat and no longer continue our friendship. Now that I am doing better and have gotten back to functioning in a normal social setting, I do try to balance the maintenance. I call every few days just to check in. I make sure they know I am always available if there is a crisis of any kind. I stop by just to chat. I think it's definitely not a one way street for who tried to keep things going. I will alway appreciate what my friends did for me when I needed that space, but I will also never again let them do all the work in keeping us close.

I have a strange view on friends of the opposite sex. When I was in school, I had more friends that were guys then girls. We had more in common and just seemed to click better. It made things kind of terrible in school because kids that age can be pretty petty and cruel and obviously immature. I got a lot of flak for it. My ex-husband was one of my best friends in high school and we were together for ten years. So apparently I was not very good at keeping that one platonic, lol. During my marriage I did not have many guy friends (that's a whole different conversation). I have male friends now, but I don't think I have ever thought about the platonic vibe much. I have too much respect for any of my friends that are in a relationship that I usually consider their spouse also my friend and it's never been an issue. I just plain do not think about them in that manner. My male friends that are single will sometimes be flirty, so I don't know if that ruins the platonic thing, but considering that it's light hearted and in jest I really don't see it as an issue. I guess my opinion would be different depending on more exact circumstances. Is there a reason things should stay platonic? Because if so, I think people are fully capable of having a friendship without a romance. If not, don't use "I don't want to ruin our friendship" as an excuse to stay safe. I genuinely think friendship starts the best relationships and there is a very unique experience involved when you slowly start to realize as you laugh with that person that there is an attraction there. I could go on about this for a long time because I am currently crushing like a teenager on someone that started as a friend and it's silly and pathetic. So I'll move on to something else now.

I think the subject of lying and betrayal is really touchy for most people. It is for me. I am quick to dissolve things with people that truly hurt me without remorse. But I will say this, I think that -what- was being lied about and why is a huge important factor. If someone lies to you about something because of their own insecurities or because telling the truth could have dire consequences or to protect you, you have every right to be mad. But don't just write someone off forever because they could not fully open to you. Betrayal is different. A friend doing something they know will hurt me on purpose, that I cannot deal with ever. Just make sure you give them enough time to explain their actions and then decide how you feel and what you can or cannot live. A lot of people feel obligated to give people a second chance. If whatever happened really means that much to you, do what makes you happy. Cut people out that cause you misery. But make sure you do it with a cool head and with all the facts.

Sent from my iPhone inbetween walking dogs!