The Truth About The English

[BlueWolf]

Just came acros this one and had a great laugh 

• A lot of countries think that all Englishmen drink tea, play cricket, work in accounting and wear bowler hats all of the time but this is untrue. We do not wear our bowler hats on Sundays.

• The average human body is made of 90% water but the average English body is made of 90% tea. Without tea we die.

• Tea can solve any and every problem. Aliens invading? Have some tea! Sprained your knee? Have some tea! Run out of tea? Have some… oh wait… I guess there is ‘one’ problem it can’t solve.

• Big Ben has to be wound by hand each morning and is named after Ben McFiggin (‘Big’ to his friends) who was the first man to have this responsibility. Everyone still remembers the day he overslept as, “the day without time.”

• The fog in London is so thick that it is unsafe to leave your house without a bell or whistle and a long length of rope. A 24 year old man was recently found wondering around lost in the fog after a failed attempt to visit the bakers. He had been 17 when his mum had sent him out for bread.

• We choose a new queen every ten years based on who looks the most like the stamp.

• Shakespeare was a fictional character but Sherlock Holmes was a real person.

• Each Englishman owns their own red double-decker bus.

• When a group of English people are alone together within their natural environment they will still use words such as, “ye olde,” “yonder,” and, “forsooth.”

• The phrase; “an Englishman’s home is his castle,” is a miss quote and is infact meant to be, “an Englishman’s home is ‘a’ castle.”

• The English are constantly cast as the villains in movies because we are considered (by the Americans) to be a little bit evil. However, this is simply not true. We are not a little bit evil we are very evil. We feast upon the fear of others to sustain our own life force. Nothing pleases us more than stealing candy from small orphan children or robbing sweet old ladies of their pension. However, we are very polite while doing so. There is no need to be evil ‘and’ uncivilized.

Original source

[Emma]

lmao!  Love the last one! 

[Guinnessman]

Forsooth, he whom wrote this, may join join me over yonder in ye olde swan, to ponder.

[Andy]

Also when making world war 2 movies in which the protagonists are American then an Englishman MUST play the Evil German and all germans must have English accents

[mydiamond]

LOL love these ones:

 

"each Englishmen has their own red double-decker bus"

 

"We choose a new queen every ten years based on who looks the most like the stamp."

[BlueWolf]

And there's more! 

 

• Buses, phone boxes and letter boxes are all bright red because every English person is colour blind. If buses, phone boxes and letter boxes were not red no one would go anywhere, phone anyone or post anything.

• The post service in England is called the Royal Mail because the Queen likes to deliver every letter personally (and Prince Philip deals with the overseas post).

• There are sharks in the Thames.

• No one has ever told the Queen that we lost the empire a very long time ago. It is every English person’s responsibility to make sure she never finds out.

• Every English person can quote every line from Monty Python and Faulty Towers and does so on a daily bases.

• England is the main importer and exporter of rain and bad weather in Europe.

• English people like to complain and can complain about anything. Even if there is nothing to complain about the English will complain about the fact that there is nothing to complain about.

• The English are well known for their politeness, shyness and modesty when it comes to receiving compliments but secretly we crave them, expect them and get quite annoyed if they are not given often enough.

• If the English ever discover intelligent alien life they ‘will’ try to communicate by simply talking louder and expect to be understood (most likely while bartering for the intergalactic equivalent of a Spanish straw Donkey).

• England is doomed if anyone ever figures out that the easiest way to bring the country to its knees is to cut off the supply of tea. The English are basically addicted to tea like drug addicts are addicted to crack. Have you ever seen a tea intervention? It ain’t pretty.

• Those who use bad grammar are either executed or exiled to another country (why do you think I live in Holland?).

• British Rail is well known for its train delays. There are still steam trains that are delayed due to leaves on the line.

• Every English person has a butler. Even butlers have butlers.

 

At least I now know who to complain to when we have bad weather 

[goingsolo]

I can run out if anything except tea ( pg tips) have been known to go to 24 hour tesco at midnight!!!! Love tge idea of Queen delivering our mail x

[Jay]

LOL. All my questions have finally been answered lol

[BlueWolf]

And here's the last one 

 

1) The English are only polite to hide the terrible secret they keep.

 

2) Contrary to popular belief the English did not invent the English language. They simply found it in a book one day.

 

3) The English have very strict rules about queuing. Anyone who is caught breaking those rules is held in the tower of London indefinitely.

 

4) No one knows where the Thames River came from. It simply appeared over night in 1972.

5) It is always raining in England. Any photo you have seen to the contrary has been altered in photoshop.

6) Downton Abby is an accurate depiction of modern day England.

7) Everyone in England must wear bowler hats. It is the law.

8) The English don’t need to spell things differently. They just like to annoy the Americans.

9) If an Englishman ever offers you the last biscuit do not take it. It is a test and if you take it you will fail.

10) If an Englishman ever turns something down out of politeness it is secretly the thing they desire the most.

11) The easiest way to trap two Englishman in one location is to present them with an open door. They will become stuck in a politeness loop as they take turns in saying, “No. I insist. After you.”

12) Tea is a highly addictive drug. The English don’t actually like drinking it but they can’t kick the habit either.

13) And most importantly of all; none of which you have just read is the terrible secret which the English hide behind their politeness.

[Guinnessman]

Ooooh. He's making it up as he goes along.

[Andy]

And there's more! 

• Every English person can quote every line from Monty Python and Faulty Towers and does so on a daily bases.

Erm. . . This is actually true. . . . (at least in my case) :D

[NOBELHOWLUC49]

I do love a cup of tea, and polishing my Red Bus on sundays……. Not so keen on hoovering the castle though,  rather tedious don't you think….. 

[goingsolo]

One now requires another cup of tea, shall have to call the butler.

[NOBELHOWLUC49]

We lost our Butler and our parlour maid…… the devil take them!!!  so hard to find the right staff now a days. Still must keep calm and have a cup of tea… where is that Girl…… the bell must be broken down in the kitchen…. 

[goingsolo]

Mills is getting slower, taken him 15 minutes. The maid has gone to the colonies for a week, cheek of it.

[Andy]

Looked out of the drawing room window, looks like the groundsman is slacking orff again, Autumn leaves everywhere. Damn Moat is swamped with them

Caught Jarvis watering down grandmama's port, and the dust on the suits of armour is just unnacceptable.

Had to cancel the grouse shoot as the beaters have gone on strike.

Never mind I suppose we'll just have to rough it

[mydiamond]

"Even butlers have butlers"